Mom Confessions
He is 18, almost 19 and she is 14. I came home yesterday after dropping my 10 year old at a friend's house and getting groceries. I was supposed to pick DD up from her friend's home after I got the groceries but there was a misunderstanding and her friend's parents brought daughter home instead. Since step son is still in high school, about to start senior year, he still visits every other weekend. Anyways, I get home and even though step son and my daughter are both home, no one is downstairs.
I went upstairs to ask them to help unload the groceries and they are in my daughter's bed going at it. I started screaming, no, I did not handle it well but this is my 14 year old and my step son who has been my step son since he was 12, I think I can be forgiven for loosing my cool. He starts yelling at me to shut up and I told him to get out of my house. He told me to fuck off and went to "his" room. I tried calling dh who was at work, he couldn't answer. I go tell my step son to get out, again, and he threw "his" (really my) lamp at me and told me he was going to kill me. I called the cops because he wouldn't leave and he was threatening me and already threw a lamp at me.
The cops get here and I explain everything, they arrested him for assault and for statutory rape. I really wasn't thinking about the fact that he would get arrested for statutory rape, I was in so much shock but I can't say that I don't think he deserves it.
My DH gets home and already knows about his son being arrested and he gets mad at me!!! He was about to bail him out of jail, I told him that if he did, don't come back home because I will divorce him. We keep our money separate so if he has the money, he can do it but he won't be coming back to my home. I told him he is going to have to make a choice, he can either help his son get an attorney and everything or he can be with me but I am not going to be him if he thinks it's ok or that his son deserves his help after doing this. Also, clearly, his son will never be allowed in our home around either of my girls since he has no problem having sex with children.
Now of course, my daughter is suffering the consequences too I know that she is not completely innocent. But since she is legally a child, her consequences will be much less severe. She is grounded for the rest of the summer, 8 weeks, no TV, computer or cell phone, and even after she is done being grounded, she won't be able to go anywhere without me until I can trust her. My DH thinks that is not enough since chances are, his son will do jail time. Well, my DD didn't break the law, his son did.
I know there will be some on here who think I am the worst step mom ever but if it was your daughter, can you really tell me you wouldn't do the same?
Many of you have expressed the opinion that DD's punishment wasn't harsh enough. Honestly I do agree but I thought I was giving her the most I could give her (not letting her do anything, taking away her computer, cell phone and tv) BUT then nsaneygolover (gotta give credit) suggested that I have her volunteer somewhere instead of letting her sit on her but. I think that is a GREAT idea so I have called a thrift store that supports an abused women's shelter and they said they can use her 3 days a week for 6 hours each day. Then she is going to my sister's house (with my sister there) 2 days a week all day to help her take care of her twin 18 month olds so that she can see what it's like taking care of a child. This is not to punish her for whatever happens to her step brother, that is his fault and he will get whatever punishment he gets. I don't think it was her job to think about the fact that he could get in legal trouble for that, that was on him and he clearly didn't. But I am punishing her for having sex. While she isn't old enough to fully understand the situation, she is old enough to understand that she shouldn't be having sex. She is also going to the OBGYN. She says that she has never has sex with anyone else. I believe her. Honestly, I check her facebook, I know who she calls on the phone, I know her friend's parents so I believe there hasn't been anyone else. DD is also going to be in counseling 2 times a week to help her understand that while whatever punishment her step brother gets is not on her, she was wrong for having sex at her age.
Upon further reflection, I told DH I would be ok with him helping his son IF he can do so and still pay his share of the bills. However, his son will NEVER (or at least not until both of my girls are over 18) come to our home or be around our family again. We talked about everything and I told him that while I am ok with him helping his son, I will not apologize for calling the police
- Only group members can vote in this poll.
- 70% - Yes
- 29% - No
Replies
-
Quoting kjfamily:
Wow. You just ruined his son's life! Your dd was obviously a willing participant and it's not like she is 10. She probably wanted it as much as him. What a mess.I would have handled it without police involved or at least asked my husband what we should do about it.This
-
WOW...............I would probably over react and want to blame the male too BUT the fact is they were GOING AT IT.
THAT SAID..........Throwing your hubbys child out and to the wolves ( court system) I would leave you too. This is exactly why second marriages fail something like 80 % of the time. People protect what is THEIRS and no matter what lies they tell their spouse it is not the same as if it were REALLY your child. You could of very well ruined his life. I am all for taking responsibility and punishment but here your about to see the punishment for that boy isn't going to fit the "crime"
I am not sure about your DD's punishment not being enough but your SS is about to be WAY TOO MUCH.
-
I agree with you OP.
Your stepson is old enough to realize right from wrong. Apparently he thought it was right of him to have sex with his step sister.
Label him for life and punish your daughter accordingly. He messed up his future badly over an underage girl. That's sad! -
What states have statutory rape laws stating that those under the age of consent are breaking the law? Her consenting is not a violation of the law, I'm not aware of any state that has a statutory rape law stating that a minor who consents committed a crime. Please provide links and evidence supporting your claim.
Quoting laura_sims:
She did break the law.
It is illegal for her to have sex
They BOTH broke the law
What he did was obviously worse but she broke the law also.
Quoting mstkn.identity:
Saddly life isnt fair.
But thing is HE broke the law, SHE did not.
Unfortuantly we cant punish minors for having sex even if it is a 50/50 decision.
HE should have enough common sense to think "mmm having sex with a 14 yr can get me in HUGE trouble. So i should not do it."
Ooops fail on his part.
Until minors can be punished for having sex life will remain unfair in that aspect.
Quoting Anonymous:
Absolutely! Its not the first time it happened. Her daughter had consensual sex more than once with that boy. Now she can go forward with her life like nothing and that boy will be labeled a sex offender for life.
How in the hell is that fair?
Quoting mstkn.identity:
Would you feel the same if the boy was NOT her stepson but a boy from school or somewhere else?
Quoting Anonymous:
Quoting Anonymous:
Statutory rape is rape. Basically, it is saying that she is too young to consent so her consent doesn't count
Quoting Anonymous:
RAPE? It isnt rape when they were "GOING AT IT" as the OP stated. Her daughter was consenting. That is NOT rape
Quoting KRIZZ25:
Quoting Anonymous:
I think you seriously need to get some help.
You just ruined that childs life and I hope your dh leaves your ass. Not only for his son but for you having the balls to say he isnt allowed to bail his son out or else.
wtf ..he raped her hild.. he luckey his ass wasent killed.
SMH She is partly responsible for that boy being labeled for the rest of his life. it baffels me how this whole thing is his fault. Your daughter had sex with him several times.
-
You daughter broke the law too....why are you ignoring that?
You realize that if he was underage she could also be charged along with him?
It is illegal for her to have sex
-
The MAJOR difference between this post and your colorful story is the girl and boy were around each other in the same home on and off. The girl CONSENTED so sex more than once. She allowed it to happen and it wasnt the first time when they were caught. She put herself in the situation over and over again.
And you know what? I can bet that had they NOT been caught, it would have happened again.
Quoting Achromia:
So, lets say an online predator targets a 13/14 yo girl. He is 20yo and likes them young. He is experienced and knows exactly what to say to boost a little girls ego. He lays it on thick and makes her feel special. After awhile she trusts him and agrees to meet up.
While together he showers her in compliments and gifts. He knows just what to say and do. He tells her its ok to have sex. He will help her explore her body, so on and do on till he gets her comfortable enough to agree to sex.
Now, because the little girl agreed to sex, it wasnt rape? A grown man coerced a child but it wasnt wrong because she said yes? Well, thank god they have laws to protect children from people like this and opinions people like you hold!Quoting Anonymous:
Sorry, IMO if her daughter had sex with this boy more than once and was willing to do it again, its not rape. In the eyes of the law or not, she should have taught her daughter not to have sex with a boy is 18 and the consequences of her actions before his crap happened. I blame the mother the daughter and the stupid boy who had sex with the girl
Quoting Achromia:
Yes it is, in the eyes of the law. Hence the arrest for statutory rape!
Quoting Anonymous:
RAPE? It isnt rape when they were "GOING AT IT" as the OP stated. Her daughter was consenting. That is NOT rape
Quoting KRIZZ25:
Quoting Anonymous:
I think you seriously need to get some help.
You just ruined that childs life and I hope your dh leaves your ass. Not only for his son but for you having the balls to say he isnt allowed to bail his son out or else.
wtf ..he raped her hild.. he luckey his ass wasent killed.
-
that is true but the fact she didnt even wait for her husband to get home before she called the cops is rude. the fact she is trying to make him turn against his son is fucked up. most parents will stand behind their kid and get them the help they need but he cant. her daughter should get blamed too and sorry but grounding her daughter isnt punishment.
Quoting Anonymous:
He made the choice to sleep with a minor he could of walked away
Quoting Anonymous:
i bet this isnt the first time her daughter has had sex. i feel bad for the boy because she just ruined his life. i would be mad but i would wait until my husband got home and talked to him first. the fact she threaten her husband with divorce is sad because her daughter is getting off easy because grounding a kid isnt that big of a punishment.
Quoting JesusJunkie:
First, for Trying to kick the step son out.
Yes, he's 18 but he's still her husbands kid. Who tries to throw their kid out of the house when they do some wrong?
Second, For calling the police before her DH even got home! Seems to me she would know her DH's stance on things so instead of trying to work things out as a family she did what she wanted done without even consulting her DH.
Then, telling her DH he couldn't bail him out without her divorcing him. Really? She wants her DH to chose her and her DD side over his son when she just threw him to the wolves and probably just destroyed any chance he had of having a normal life. He's an 18 year old kid who made a dumb mistake and now he will be labeled forever because his step mom can't handle the fact that her 14 year old is putting out.
It's "step moms" like her that give step moms a bad name. If you marry his father he's your kid too and you don't throw him to the wolves bc he had consensual sex with your kid.
Quoting Anonymous:
Name those levels. Enlighten us.
Quoting JesusJunkie:
Sorry I think you were wrong on so many levels.
-
You do realize what you did to that boy right? I agree with Kicking him out, snapping... But you RUINED his life for a mistake him AND YOU DAUGHTER MADE. He shouldn't be punished because she was raised the wrong way and wanted to have sex at 14. -
She is 14 years old and they are siblings, regardless of blood relation!
He committed a crime, and she probably thought, well, hes my big brother, he wouldn't hurt me.
Quoting kjfamily:
Wow. You just ruined his son's life! Your dd was obviously a willing participant and it's not like she is 10. She probably wanted it as much as him. What a mess.I would have handled it without police involved or at least asked my husband what we should do about it.
-
Right, you're a big fan of generalizations aren't you?
Quoting laura_sims:
They almost never have mercy in these cases
Hopefully he only gets charged with assult and minor sex charges so that he wont be a sex offender
but chances are he will be
Quoting miss_lisa:
He hasn't even been charged with anything yet. Depending on the state and judge if he does get labeled as a sex offender it may only be for x amount of years.
Quoting laura_sims:
No i read it. I would have beat the living crap out of him. Told him to leave and never come back.
But in 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 years from now i dont think its worth him to have his life ruined over something he did while he was in high school
Yes he fucked up, he should be punished, but i think it is more punishment for everyone involved having to deal with him being a bum for the rest of his life. That is all he can do now, there is no such thing as a registered sex offender with a good job
Quoting Anonymous:
Yes! Did you skip over the part where he threw a fkn lamp at her, threaten to kill her, and refused to leave HER house? WTF?!
Quoting laura_sims:
So his entire life should be ruined because he did some stupid stuff when he was in high school?
Obviouly it was wrong for them to be doing that, very wrong. But it wasnt like her daughter didnt want it. Why should he never have a future when both of them did something really stupid?
He will be a registered sex offender for the rest of his life
Quoting RubyMom0526:
Totally disagree he broke the law!!!! Suck it up!
Quoting kjfamily:
Wow. You just ruined his son's life! Your dd was obviously a willing participant and it's not like she is 10. She probably wanted it as much as him. What a mess.I would have handled it without police involved or at least asked my husband what we should do about it.