If that title doesn't catch attention, I don't know what would.
Anyway, this is my big confession, and the reason I joined up in this group. There are only a couple people in my life that know about this, but I suppose I really just wanted to clear the air in some respect.
Seven years ago I was really in a bad place. I was seventeen when I met this guy, he was four years older, had a job, had a car, didn't live with his parents. Sounds like perfection for a 17 year old, right? Well, I ended up getting involved with him and before I was out of high school, he was already having me move in with him. I was naive, so I thought it was cool and did so. Within around six months the shit started hitting the fan. I found out that this guy was seriously controlling and showed signs of being abusive, but again I was really naive and I "loved him" so I figured I would stick it out.
Within months, Old Abusive Boyfriend (let's call him OAB) lost his job, crashed his car, and moved back in with mommy and daddy. I went with him, obviously. Over the next few years, things went from bad to worse. He made me work for him, took all my money. He'd punch me or choke me if I spoke out to him or had any opinion at all. He forced me into bed with him and other girls. There was rape and several disgusting sexual practices I was required to perform against my will, including urine and fecal play, which still disgust me to this day. He forced me to have an abortion against my will and beat me when I originally told him I didn't want to. He refused to "let" me get my driver license because he "couldn't trust me", but eventually did let me when I was 21 because he was too lazy to drive me the twenty something miles one way to work. I was involved in a serious work injury which required two surgeries, and the only thing he had to say about it was that he was pissed off he had to drive to get my worker's comp check. Two days after my first surgery he decided to hold a yard sale to make more money. He then proceeded to leave with some other girl he was fucking and left me, in extreme pain and high on vicotin, to manage the entire thing.
I was bloody miserable. I hated life. I wanted to literally die. I thought about killing myself, thinking it was the only way out of this situation. I felt like I couldn't tell anyone about what was going on, because OAB would kill me. He said he would many, many times. I didn't have a single friend or anyone I could confide in. I hardly ever talked to my family because he kept me from seeing them, even though they were maybe ten miles away at worst. The only friends I THOUGHT I had were his, and as it turns out that wasn't the case at all.
I was friends with one of OAB's friends, whom I will call Asshole Sperm Donor. ASD always acted like he was my friend. We were very close and I knew him very well, even better than his wife, whom he married only because he found out she was knocked up with his kid. ASD's wife even used to come to me on occasion asking me how to deal with ASD's moods, which were rather volatile and unpredictable since he was a raging alcoholic. I was good at dealing with him and we were friends, or so I thought.
Well, one night ASD was sleeping over OAB's parent's house. I was miserably depressed, and after OAB went to bed with his other fuck toy, ASD and I stayed up talking very late into the night. ASD was a little drunk; he'd had a few beers earlier in the evening, but that didn't bother be because I knew how to handle him. He started telling me how he knew how OAB treated me, that he was abusive and hit me and things. He told me I didn't deserve that and that I was not only beautiful, but a beautiful person too. He was my friend, or so I thought, and I believed him. He offered me comfort and I took it. We ended up sleeping together. I was on birth control so I didn't think it was a problem. I was so fucked up in the head from years of abuse that I didn't even stop and think that this was someone else's husband, nor did I think to myself that he might just be using me to get in my pants.
Well, it certainly worked. The birth control, however, did not. I ended up getting pregnant, but I didn't know it for a good long while. I'd been on depo, see, and it caused me to not have periods at all. I never missed one, and even when I started getting a little belly, I thought it was only because I'd started working at a local fast food joint that gave free meals every day.
My eyes were opened when I felt those first little flutters, somewhere around four months and a half or so. I still tried to deny it to myself for a couple weeks, but then one day I went to the hospital for unrelated tooth pain. When they asked me if I might be pregnant, I showed the nurse my belly and said "I don't know, you tell me if I am." That night I got my first positive pregnancy test, through bloodwork.
It was at that point I knew I had to get out of the relationship I was in. I could sit there and just take all the abuse given to me, but I couldn't allow this asshole to hurt the life growing inside me. At this point I had no idea that the baby might be ASD's; we'd only had sex the one time, and I'd been on BC, remember? Well, I started making plans for escape, and a day came when I finally worked up enough courage to leave. OAB was away, supposedly all afternoon, so I packed my things and loaded them up into the car, planning to just go without a word to anyone save his mother...who'd been abused, beaten, burned by cigarettes by her own son, so she knew what I was going through.
A clean escape wasn't meant to be. OAB came home while I was packing. I was terrified, but I told him that I was pregant, that it was far too late for him to force me into another abortion, and that I was leaving him. He dragged me into the house screaming at me, threw me into a corner of the bedroom, and proceeded to punch me in the face and choke me. He did not hit my stomach, INTENTIONALLY, because he said he "didn't want to hurt that THING" growing inside me. He called me a whore and a slut and a liar and beat me for a good hour while the other girlfriend stood outside and his parents were upstairs doing nothing. All this time, EVERYONE knew but none of them did anything to help.
Eventually he got tired of beating me up and he left again, saying "if I really loved him" (*eyeroll*) that I'd be there when he got back and then I would put this THING up for adoption as soon as it was born.
When he finally got back, I was already long gone, shaken and scared to the point of literal vomitting.
I ended up at my mother's, which was little better because of her drug problems and alcohol problems. But I knew that she would help me and protect me. OAB swore to me that he would hunt me down and kill me and my child dead, and I was in constant fear. He started calling my mother's house upwards of forty or fifty times a day, making me jump at every shadow. I was godawful miserable just having to deal with that. My obgyn noticed that instead of gaining weight, I was losing it week by week, and I eventually broke down crying and spilled everything to him. He gave me councelling and I continued to see him until the baby was born.
After a couple false starts trying to break away from OAB (during which we "talked", mostly consisting of him threatening to kill himself if I didn't do EXACTLY what he wanted), I finally made the clean break and left him for good. I had my son at the hospital and it was a very good experience for me, although on the first night there alone, I broke down, realizing that I was all alone, and wondered if I could do this thing myself.
Things worked out generally alright, though, and it wasn't long before I started questioning my DS's parentage. He looked JUST like ASD and nothing like OAB at all. I started to wonder and eventually ended up making a huge mistake, and told one of our mutual friends my concerns. The friend agreed that DS looked like ASD's...then went promptly behind my back and told ASD and OAB both.
A couple weeks later, I started getting phone calls from a number I didn't recognize. Eventually I picked it up and it was ASD. He said he'd found out that I thought DS was his and that he wanted to do a paternity test. I didn't have a problem with that initially...until all of a sudden he started making threats to me. He said that once paternity was established, he would take me to court and sue me for full custody of my DS. After all I'd been through and ONE SINGLE NIGHT, he thought he OWNED this baby! I told him in no uncertain terms to fuck off, that I was never talking to him again and that he would never see MY child.
He kept calling, so I changed my number and eventually shut the phone off completely. I haven't talked to ASD since. Around the same time, however, I started getting private messages here on CM from ASD's wife, who berated me and said I was a lousy friend (we weren't friends in the first place, but that was beside the point) for fucking her man behind her back and just about anything else she could say to upset me. It was all too much, and I ended up deleting my CM account until only very recently.
Do I feel bad that I slept with someone else's husband? Yes...to a point. But the part that everyone seems to forget is that this baby-- MY CHILD-- literally saved my life. If I had not gotten pregnant with him, I guaranteed would be dead from that OAB right now. Do I regret having my DS? ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT. He's THE best thing that's ever happened to me in my life, and god help anyone who tries to take him from me or hurt him.
So, yeah. I guess in the end, even though I know in my heart that it was wrong, that I really don't care that I fucked someone else's husband and got knocked up by him.
How can I regret it when I look at my DS every single day and know in my heart of hearts that he's the only reason I'm left alive today.
...okay. Feel free to fire away and bash me now. I'm glad to just have had it out.
by Anonymous 2November 22, 2011 at 1:28 PM
i have been there too so no bashing from me
by Anonymous 1 - Original PosterNovember 22, 2011 at 1:39 PM
Thank you both. I'm still expecting flames because of how I was treated by other people I actually know over this, but knowing that there are some people out there that aren't utter heartless bitches is a comfort to me.
by MaaMee6317November 22, 2011 at 1:40 PMWow good luck in life I hops those guys leave you alone
November 22, 2011 at 1:43 PMWow. I'm glad you were able to get out
November 22, 2011 at 1:44 PM
I'm not going to bash you.
((hugs)) that's all.
by Anonymous 3November 22, 2011 at 1:46 PMGlad you got out. How old is your lo are you safe now?
by Serenity_29November 22, 2011 at 1:49 PMSo glad your out of the relationship and your life was spared. No matter if it was one night he was still someone else husband. I will not bash you because you experience enough.