In the Bedroom
OK. Here I go. I am 32. I have a 12 year old and a 5 year old and have been married for almost 14 years. And for just about my entire marriage I have been bitching about our sex life. I wouldn't say there is much "life" in it at all though. It was great until my daughter was born (she's the 12 year old, so what does that tell you.) And by great I mean frequent,,,,that's about it. I have basically never had sex on a regular basis. I would settle for once a week, but who am I kidding? There has NEVER been spontaneity. Ever. I rarely initiate, because really I feel like if he isn't, then he must not want it. He never says "make love." I hear the "sorry I fell asleep" crap often and I feel like tired or not, us being together should take priority. Also, I have only tried being on top ONCE. Yep, you read it right....one time. I am overweight, and that combined with everything else has made me feel like I am not a woman at all. I have serious jealousy issues, and I would just love to feel normal. I always feel like there's , me and then there are real women. (every other woman.) I am so sick of having the same argument. Who does that for 14 years?! And who has these issues their whole marriage? And at 32? I feel like I am begging for sex, and then if we have sex, it must be because of all my bitching. I feel like I just want to say "let's be roomates." Leave the sex out completely.
Thank you everyone who has responded with encouragement and advice. I am glad I finally got to get all of it off my chest and I really do appreciate that you all took the time to respond. And nobody was mean (that's always nice!) It will obviously take time to see changes but I will update in the future.......
Replies
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I feel ya, the sex life with my DH has been up and down over the years and I would definitely like to be doing it more than we are (which is better than it used to be). Like you I never initiate b/c I don't want to be shot down but it can suuuuuck so bad waiting for him to be in the mood. In his defense, his work schedule leaves very little time for sex during the week, but on his days off and on the weekend there shouldn't be a problem. And then if he has the least little body ache or whatever I can forget it. I feel like, if I've never turned him down for sex (and I never have, even when my birth control pills sapped my libido and I didn't even want to be touched early in our relationship) why can't he do the same? Like I said, it's gotten better and I've learned to hamper my expectations. When we do have sex, it's awesome and my husband knows what he's doing and knows how to satisfy me. If I'm in the mood and he's not, I take care of business, but it doesn't replace actual sex with a person.
Have you told your husband how you feel? Really had a heart to heart without it turning into a crying, screaming match?
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it kinda sounds like you have self esteem issues that are getting in the way of your sex life. you need to push those thoughts aside, after all he chose to be with you didnt he? stop comparing yourself to the women he didnt ask to be his wife. also, your feeling like he dosent want it because he dosent initiate it, maybe he dosent initiate for thinking you dont want it. just a thought. i think you guys need to talk and make something happen. you obviously want it since you made this post, and i have met a scarce few men who arent just about always up for some sexy time. good luck, girl.
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Yep, I have told him so many times I feel like a begging, pathetic, broken record. I think it's been about 3 months this time since we've had sex, but have gone much longer. I have had fights over it, I have talked nicely about it, I even wrote him a long letter once explaining that it isn't just about the sex (like you said, we can take care of that ourselves) but it is about wanting to be with me and the connection with each other. We have a son who just turned 5 and he is physically and mentally exhausting on both of us. All the time, Right now he is screaming actually! But he is 5. I have been dealing with this forever! He loves me. I know that. But it isn't the same as being in love. Or feeling wanted or desired at all. He has never cheated on me and is for the most part, the best husband ever. I just can't figure this out and I am done trying I think. The tired excuse is......well, tired. thanks for responding, I came on here for some advice, and you are the only one who has responded! I appreciate it. I guess I feel like if he can go to work because there is a reward (paycheck) or any other number of things he does, he could make me feel loved and wanted even if he is tired. Since he doesn't, I feel like there must be no "reward" in it for him, or at least not one big enough to warrant his time and energy.
Quoting Chevygirl0617:
I feel ya, the sex life with my DH has been up and down over the years and I would definitely like to be doing it more than we are (which is better than it used to be). Like you I never initiate b/c I don't want to be shot down but it can suuuuuck so bad waiting for him to be in the mood. In his defense, his work schedule leaves very little time for sex during the week, but on his days off and on the weekend there shouldn't be a problem. And then if he has the least little body ache or whatever I can forget it. I feel like, if I've never turned him down for sex (and I never have, even when my birth control pills sapped my libido and I didn't even want to be touched early in our relationship) why can't he do the same? Like I said, it's gotten better and I've learned to hamper my expectations. When we do have sex, it's awesome and my husband knows what he's doing and knows how to satisfy me. If I'm in the mood and he's not, I take care of business, but it doesn't replace actual sex with a person.
Have you told your husband how you feel? Really had a heart to heart without it turning into a crying, screaming match?
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Mama .... U have to concentrate on ur self ..... Do some exercises here and there boost ur self ... I used to feel like that i would feel the same way ... But once I started to feel better about my self I would feel like when I asked for sex it wasn't me begging it was me asking .... I'm sorry if this doesn't make since .... It worked for me .... -
Yes, I definitely have self esteem issues, always have. And the fact that I am still dealing with this only reinforces my feelings. If he can go to work tired just because there is a paycheck in the end, it makes me feel like there is no reward for making an effort with me. All the dinners out and cards, etc aren't the same thing. It is rather hard to believe that he would want to....I know what pretty is, I see what guys are attracted to, and I know I have to keep working on that aspect of myself. I dream of the day I can go in Victoria's Secret and buy more than perfume! But I can't imagine him ever thinking that I don't want it, not after my years of bitching about it. I will talk to him again. It's just at the point where I feel embarassed and desperate. Sigh.
Quoting jynkx:
it kinda sounds like you have self esteem issues that are getting in the way of your sex life. you need to push those thoughts aside, after all he chose to be with you didnt he? stop comparing yourself to the women he didnt ask to be his wife. also, your feeling like he dosent want it because he dosent initiate it, maybe he dosent initiate for thinking you dont want it. just a thought. i think you guys need to talk and make something happen. you obviously want it since you made this post, and i have met a scarce few men who arent just about always up for some sexy time. good luck, girl.
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have you tried being out right flirtatious with him?
Quoting aandt1999:
Yes, I definitely have self esteem issues, always have. And the fact that I am still dealing with this only reinforces my feelings. If he can go to work tired just because there is a paycheck in the end, it makes me feel like there is no reward for making an effort with me. All the dinners out and cards, etc aren't the same thing. It is rather hard to believe that he would want to....I know what pretty is, I see what guys are attracted to, and I know I have to keep working on that aspect of myself. I dream of the day I can go in Victoria's Secret and buy more than perfume! But I can't imagine him ever thinking that I don't want it, not after my years of bitching about it. I will talk to him again. It's just at the point where I feel embarassed and desperate. Sigh.
Quoting jynkx:
it kinda sounds like you have self esteem issues that are getting in the way of your sex life. you need to push those thoughts aside, after all he chose to be with you didnt he? stop comparing yourself to the women he didnt ask to be his wife. also, your feeling like he dosent want it because he dosent initiate it, maybe he dosent initiate for thinking you dont want it. just a thought. i think you guys need to talk and make something happen. you obviously want it since you made this post, and i have met a scarce few men who arent just about always up for some sexy time. good luck, girl.
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I know it isn't right, but I told him once that I will be more than desirable when I reach my goals, and then I will refuse him. See how he likes it. I never would though. And he has never outright rejected me.....but when we have a wonderful night and everything seems to be heading that way, and then he leans over to kiss me goodnight, that is rejection. It makes me feel like shit.
Quoting cuttieiam:
Mama .... U have to concentrate on ur self ..... Do some exercises here and there boost ur self ... I used to feel like that i would feel the same way ... But once I started to feel better about my self I would feel like when I asked for sex it wasn't me begging it was me asking .... I'm sorry if this doesn't make since .... It worked for me .... -
Quoting aandt1999:
Hugs ... Mama .... -
I am not great at it. I do whisper things to him though or make little jokes that make it obvious that's what I want. I would say "he just turned 40 and maybe he needs to see a doctor or something" but again, it's been going on for a long time. Now I haven't talked to him for two days, except to bitch at him for a stupid purchase he made that is costing us more money.
Quoting jynkx:
have you tried being out right flirtatious with him?
Quoting aandt1999:
Yes, I definitely have self esteem issues, always have. And the fact that I am still dealing with this only reinforces my feelings. If he can go to work tired just because there is a paycheck in the end, it makes me feel like there is no reward for making an effort with me. All the dinners out and cards, etc aren't the same thing. It is rather hard to believe that he would want to....I know what pretty is, I see what guys are attracted to, and I know I have to keep working on that aspect of myself. I dream of the day I can go in Victoria's Secret and buy more than perfume! But I can't imagine him ever thinking that I don't want it, not after my years of bitching about it. I will talk to him again. It's just at the point where I feel embarassed and desperate. Sigh.
Quoting jynkx:
it kinda sounds like you have self esteem issues that are getting in the way of your sex life. you need to push those thoughts aside, after all he chose to be with you didnt he? stop comparing yourself to the women he didnt ask to be his wife. also, your feeling like he dosent want it because he dosent initiate it, maybe he dosent initiate for thinking you dont want it. just a thought. i think you guys need to talk and make something happen. you obviously want it since you made this post, and i have met a scarce few men who arent just about always up for some sexy time. good luck, girl.
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Thank you :)
Quoting cuttieiam:
Quoting aandt1999:
Hugs ... Mama ....