One of the funniest -- and saddest -- break-up stories I ever heard was the friend who broke up with her boyfriend because he couldn't find her clitoris. I mean, it was there. But no matter how much my friend "guided" him to its whereabouts, he'd just as quickly "forget" where it was. Finally, my friend said she drew him a map. An actual map. Because guys like maps. But alas, this guy was not only bad at finding the clitoris, he was bad at reading maps. My friend ended up dumping him. She felt a little guilty, but she honestly couldn't wrap her head around a guy who claimed to care about her pleasure in bed, but couldn't seem to figure out the female anatomy -- and perhaps had no real desire to.
I'm not saying everyone is should be perfect in the sack -- especially when a partner just getting to know what your likes. But then there's just being selfish, or stubbornly clueless, or just plain bad. Here are 11 signs he needs to redo Sex 101.
It's all about him. Sex is over in three minutes, he's satisfied, and then he looks at you like, "That was amazing!" while you're all, "Hello? What just happened? I'm still here!"
Ooooh vs. Owwww. He doesn't know the difference between an Oooohhh that means Keep Going and an Oooohhh that means Stop, that hurts!
He thinks your nipples are dials. And he must twist them. Perhaps he thinks he's tuning you to the right channel.
He thinks your nipples don't exist and ignores them completely.
He thinks that old high school term about "eating out" a girl is a literal term and proceeds to go at you like he's gnawing on a stick of gum.
He seems to have missed his calling as a sports announcer and has to give the play-by-play of everything he does. And now I'm kissing your neck! And now I'm sucking your toes! This is even more annoying if he actually IS a sports announcer.
He won't shut up and keeps asking you questions and grilling you through the entire thing. Do you like this, huh, huh, do ya? Well, do ya?!
He immediately flops over and goes to sleep the second he's done, without so much as a half-hearted snuggle or a peck on the cheek or even a pat on the head.
Foreplay is non-existent. He thinks the term has something to do with golf.
You need to see a chiropracter after sex because he bang bang bangs on you like a human hammer, leaving your neck and back in knots.
He has zero interest in asking what pleases you, and if you decide to tell him, he has zero interest in complying.
What other things does a guy do in bed that you wish he wouldn't?
by Anonymous 8November 27, 2012 at 6:13 PM
No foreplay seriouly. Just because you've got a hard on, doesn't mean i'm autimatically wet! I love my foreplay! Or, he gets upset and says "You need to see a doctor about you not getting wet." Uh, no you need to turn me on. But, doesn't mattter how many times I say that. Oh, and right on about the clitoris. It's the little nub genius!
by Anonymous 9November 27, 2012 at 7:55 PMMy husband all around just sucks in bed. I fake it. Then get my jollies off on my own later.
by Anonymous 9November 27, 2012 at 7:57 PMTHIS!!!!! I hate it. Just cuz I are a statue when u orgasm doesn't mean I am!! I'm a wiggler!!!
when i move during orgasm he tries to move me back to where i was.....HATE THAT....i move for a reason and when he moves me back it kills it!!
by Anonymous 10November 27, 2012 at 8:06 PM
When he's doing something that feels really good, I will moan a lot more to let him know thats the spot. Then for some stupid reason he changes it up. I stop moaning....then he'll go back for a minute to the good stuff and I moan...then he'll stop again. Sorry, but I dont want you all over the place! I wish he was more aggressive and man handled me a bit..but then when he does try that stuff it seems to fake and funny to me that it actually turns me off! If only he were channing tatum...
My Dh doesn't do any of those things so...thank god he paid attention in sex ed!...lol! I'm not trying to brag or anything so please don't misunderstand! He is just really damn good at everything he does!
He knows how to work his fingers perfectly! Even tho, he is typically a righty he has even mastered his left! He says it's his warm up!..lol! And he demands I reach at least 1 climax with his left! before moving on and making sure I am fully taken care of! He also knows how to give amazing oral!!! I mean I often tell him I think he was a woman in a past life! Plus the foreplay is on Q, and the amount of time spent on being intimate is on Q! I feel lucky to still have such an amazing intimacy level with him. We have been together for 7 years, have a 5 year old son together and married for 2! The sparks still fly! He's my soul mate!
by Nicki1995November 27, 2012 at 8:14 PMI wish he would clip his nails BEFORE sex so he doesnt cut me up inside! lol Most of the time we are fine, but sometimes owww
by punchnpieNovember 27, 2012 at 8:16 PMLol these are too funny..lol
Ask for derections..lol
November 28, 2012 at 8:59 AM
LOL!!!!!!!! Dead on!