Adoptive Moms

Raschella
Advice on step parent adoption
October 3, 2012 at 12:19 AM
My daughter is 3 and on the 29th our adoption will be final and she will officially be my husbands. My question is when/how do we tell her? My husband and I have been together ever since I was 5 months pregnant so he is the only daddy she has ever known. Her birth father has never had anything to do with her much less seen a picture of her and willing signed over his rights. I'm just at a loss of when to tell her and how. Any help is appreciated!

Replies

  • feralkitten
    October 3, 2012 at 2:34 AM

    maybe you could make her  a life story book . that you could read to her and show her photo's this way she allways known her story  you dont have to answer the big question just the genral idear 

    mummy meet xxx and got pregnant , you were in mummy tummy , mummy loved you so much and when mummy was 5 month pregnant with you daddy meet us and loved us  , when you were born you were x weight and x size ect ect 

    its said it easier for them to know before there 12 yes she have question when she is 14 /15 but you just be able to tell her the truth at she will all ready know her story . if you can get photo of birthday be that sneaked off face book or something then keep them for when she a teen and wants to see what he looks like 

  • SarahSuzyQ
    October 3, 2012 at 8:01 AM

    She has to go to court with you for the adoption, right? So I think that might be a really easy way to begin the conversation, by letting her know that you are all going to meet the judge and that he is going to give her the same last name as Daddy.

    Perhaps something along the lines of you and bdad making a baby together, but bdad not being ready to be a daddy... So when Daddy came along, he loved you both and you became a family. There are actually a number of moms here who adopted step-children, so they may have some really good ideas for you, too.

    I would keep it simple, but I would tell her right away. It's very important to be honest with kids about adoption, in age-appropriate ways. Far better for her to just always know that she was adopted than to find out later... And with the big day coming up, you have a natural transition into the conversation. GL, momma!

  • meam4444
    October 3, 2012 at 3:14 PM

    It looks like a few ladies were able to give good advice.  Welcome to the group! 

    I hope more mommas who have been in your position are able to give more insight too.

  • .LoVeMyBuG.
    October 3, 2012 at 9:00 PM

    I am in a very similar situation only my husband is the bio dad and I am the "step" mom, bio mom has been out of the picture since before DD can even remember and I struggle regularly as to when and how to approach the subject. So far she hasn't shown any interest in knowing about her bio mom, even when I have brought it up. She just knows me as her mommy & we live like she was born to me, if she has questions later we will answer them & talk to her about her bio mom but we don't push the subject. To me she is mine and to her, I am her mommy & always will be <3 Good luck 

  • LucyHarper
    October 3, 2012 at 9:52 PM

    We've always been open with my son (my stepson whom I adopted) about it, since he's grown up knowing, its always been normal, no big deal, rather then shocking him like that years from now. We explained that he grew in his birth mommy, but he wasn't meant to her, she wasn't ready for a baby, so I became his momma because I love him and I will always be his momma.

  • spizzarks1978
    October 4, 2012 at 3:40 PM

     

    I agree with telling her right away...... OP  You might think she is to young to understand but believe me, she understands much more than you'd imagine.  My DD knew her bio-dad and had supervised visitation for about a year when she was 2 thru 3.  She is 5 now almost 6 and understands that she had a different daddy.  She has been bringing up much more lately ironically as we are approaching our home visit and coming close to the end.  I just tell her that her bio-dad wasn't ready to be a dad and when my awesome DF came into our lives he wanted to be her dad.  My DF and i decided that we will not try to hid anything from her and we will not tell her anything negative about her bio-dad till she is much much older. 

    Quoting SarahSuzyQ:

    She has to go to court with you for the adoption, right? So I think that might be a really easy way to begin the conversation, by letting her know that you are all going to meet the judge and that he is going to give her the same last name as Daddy.

    Perhaps something along the lines of you and bdad making a baby together, but bdad not being ready to be a daddy... So when Daddy came along, he loved you both and you became a family. There are actually a number of moms here who adopted step-children, so they may have some really good ideas for you, too.

    I would keep it simple, but I would tell her right away. It's very important to be honest with kids about adoption, in age-appropriate ways. Far better for her to just always know that she was adopted than to find out later... And with the big day coming up, you have a natural transition into the conversation. GL, momma!


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