Adoptive Moms

RoddaMom
Advice for explaining to my husband....
October 1, 2012 at 3:54 PM

how I feel about our children's birth mom. (I have four step-parent adopted kids and one biological baby) Our children's biological mother has not been in their lives at all for the last five years because she has been on drugs. Over a year ago she consented to let me adopt them. Since then she has remarried and has two beautiful step children. For the last five years I have not wanted her to be involved in their lives at all because she was abusing drugs and alchohol and would talk badly of my husband and I and our families the one time a year she got to see the kids. She has come to see the kids four or five times the last month and she doesn't seem like the same person! She is respectful, sober, and her step kids (who ironically only have her in their life and they refer to her as mom) are little angels, which I'm sure you know is impressive at the ages of 3 and 4 :) My husband and his family (not my family) are very upset that she is trying to come back into their lives. I think that it is important that the kids know where they come from and I do not feel like if she is in their lives it will cause problems. The more people that love and support my children the better! Also their biomom is tribal (we live on a reservation) and my kids are first line descendants so I think it is important for them to know their heritage. Do you think I am crazy for feeling like it is OK if biomom and her family come to dinner once a week, attend the kids sporting events, go hunting with us, etc.? If there was any sign that she was back on drugs or being a bad influence on the kids I would want to limit visitiations more but I really feel like the right thing to do is to let her be a part of their lives. Do you have any suggestions on how I can explain this to my husband and his family? Right now it feels like it is me and her against them and I do not want it to be that way. I just want everyone to try to get along and be a positive influence in the kids' life!!!!

Replies

  • aprilz1225
    October 1, 2012 at 4:08 PM

     you just did momma ;)

  • RoddaMom
    October 1, 2012 at 4:23 PM

    Thank you but I explained it like that to him and he isn't going for it... he is the type of person that is scared of change so maybe this is one reason why? Thank you though.

    Quoting aprilz1225:

     you just did momma ;)


  • jen1130
    by jen1130
    October 1, 2012 at 8:36 PM
    You may be the one to help foster the relationship. If he can not I would at this time not force him. He has been hurt by this for a long time. It may take him a long time to know that she is clean. It must also be hard to see her parent other child who are not hers. Even if it is working out.

    I really have to say you are an amazing women for doing this for your children: ) just be careful.
  • raleyfamily
    October 1, 2012 at 10:41 PM

    I'm going to suggest there is more to this than you are seeing.  This birthmom made a big mess of dad and the kids lives, likely.  He married (?) her and had four children with her, and what happened?  She was addicted and messed things up to the point he had to take the kids and leave her?  It must have been awful for him.  I imagine your husband has some pretty bad memories and some bad feelings about all this.  I don't think it's very fair to expect him to have dinner with her once a week, and go hunting with you.  I'm sure he feels like she does not deserve to be included so much after all she did to them.

    At this point, I think you should back off and go MUCH more slowly.  Your husband and his family lived all this, you came along afterwards.  Their feelings are valid, and should be respected.

  • Malley
    by Malley
    October 1, 2012 at 11:19 PM
    Good advice. Besides everything else this is your dh's exwife. Do you really want to play sister wives with her? I think you might wind up regretting her being so involved with your family.

    Quoting raleyfamily:

    I'm going to suggest there is more to this than you are seeing.  This birthmom made a big mess of dad and the kids lives, likely.  He married (?) her and had four children with her, and what happened?  She was addicted and messed things up to the point he had to take the kids and leave her?  It must have been awful for him.  I imagine your husband has some pretty bad memories and some bad feelings about all this.  I don't think it's very fair to expect him to have dinner with her once a week, and go hunting with you.  I'm sure he feels like she does not deserve to be included so much after all she did to them.

    At this point, I think you should back off and go MUCH more slowly.  Your husband and his family lived all this, you came along afterwards.  Their feelings are valid, and should be respected.

  • SarahSuzyQ
    October 1, 2012 at 11:32 PM
    I do think there is something to be said for the idea that this may be hard or hurtful for your DH personally... And he may not want to admit that or talk about it, as her addiction has impacted his life significantly. Have you talked with him about what kind of contact he would want to have with her?

    I also see where you are coming from in wanting the kids to stay connected with her, for a myriad of reasons. You sound like such a great mom, really wanting the best for your kids.

    I just think it is going to take a lot of time for your husband and his family to heal and regain any trust. That's pretty understandable, but it doesn't mean you should give up, either. Can you start small? Ask her to attend one sports or school event, and let everyone see that she shows up and is clean, sober, and appropriate. Maybe once a month or every other month at first. When that goes well, and assuming it's positive for the kids, then maybe bring it up again. Etc.
  • maggiemom2000
    October 1, 2012 at 11:55 PM
    Are you crazy for feeling like it is okay to ave them to dinner once a week, go hunting together etc.? No, you are not crazy for feeling that way.

    However, this sounds like way too much too soon. Your husband is having a hard time letting go of the past and at this point this is normal. She has not been sober for that long and for DH and his family it may seem too good to be true. They saw this side if her at one point and then saw her "go bad".

    Hopefully you are right and she has turned her life around for good. Your reasons for wanting the relationship are exactly right and in the best interests of the children.

    Slow down, and give her time to prove herself to DH and his family. This is to be a very long term relationship, nothing needs to be rushed in order for the children to benefit. Start with her coming to the kids games (or something similar, less intimate than dinner at your house) and see how things go for a few months. Let the kids develop a relationship with her and see if they start asking for more time with her.

    Finally, be sure to acknowledge where your DH is coming from. Know that his anger towards her is probably mostly fear. This woman really let him and his kids down. You did not experience the loss that he did even though you say the fall out later and helped to pick up the pieces.

    I'll bet you'll eventually be able to meet in the middle!
  • jen1130
    by jen1130
    October 2, 2012 at 7:48 AM
    *****Just kind of a funny thought ****

    Oh heck I forgot about the hunting part....do not do that please.... If I were you DH and someone caused all the damage to my family that this lady did I don't think putting a gun in my hand and then just ganging out waiting to shoot something and having lots of time to think....wow for me that would not be good. But I am not a hunter no animal ever made me mad but boy lots of people have. LOL
  • SarahSuzyQ
    October 2, 2012 at 8:00 AM
    Also, how old are your kids? What are their feelings about BM, her past behavior, their relationship, etc? Just wondering where they fall on all this, as they too were hurt by her addiction.
  • NicholeEva
    October 8, 2012 at 7:41 AM

    I am in sorta the same situation. Birth mom has (in my eyes) changed from when I first came into the picture. I want to give her a shot at keeping a relationship with me and talking to me as much as she likes, and when the time comes have a relationship with my son. My husband on the other hand does not feel the same way at all. I cam into picture when son was 17 months, and dh was only with her for couple years. Family hates her etc. I try to explain that people can change, look at him he has changed since I met him.

    It is tough though, as PP have said how will this affect your children? My son does not have a healthy view of his bio mom and is attending counseling for it now. We are leaving it up to his counselor on whether she believes he is up to face to face contact or even phone contact. My husband always thinks of BM as the one that did everything wrong in his eyes, that was constantly betrayed, etc. He can't get past what she did in the past. Have her build a relationship with you and your hubby before you bring  the kids into it is my advice. I gave BM a "goal" she stays in contact with us for so long, and its healthy, consistent contact then she can start having face to face with us, if those go well and are consistent then we can move to phone convo with son, and if those go well and consistent then we can move onto visitations. Just gives DH something to look at how she has changed, like" wow So and so has stayed in contact, has called when she has said she would, maybe she has changed." That has helped me a lot with my DH, I also tell him how important it is for DS to have a relationship with Bio-Mom as long as its a healthy one, that the more people that love him the better!!

    Good Luck!

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