Raising Special Needs Kids

Struggling with my special needs SD. PIOG (long)
June 28, 2013 at 3:09 PM

 When DH and I started dating I knew that his ex fling was pregnant and it was a strong possibility that it was his child.  Fast forward and 14 months after child was born and we had a child together we finally get paternity test back and SD is indeed his child.  So we talk w/bio mom and introduce SD into our family. We hadn't wanted to do this before hand because of other kids and just in-case SD wasn't his we didn't want any one to be hurt.

SD is a huge part of our lives (well mine) for the next 2 years. I try to help BM out all the time when BM is working nights etc. We didn't want to just be "weekend warriors." But DH and SD never really bonded that well when she was young she was very attached to me.  When SD was 3 1/2 yrs old BM decides to move 16 hours away to try to better here life.  DH let her go without ever going to courts to get visitation established. BM promises communication will stay open.  SD gets to come out for a visit in the summer for 2 months.  Then after that visit BM's communication starts to fail with little to no contact or returned contact.  She would finally contact us after threats of court proceedings etc. and give us false hope ...well this went on for a little more than a year.  Until one day BM posts something telling on FB, and I start to investigate and find out SD has been taken into state custody and we have 3 days to get there for court hearing.

FWD to present.  DH works out of state and I am taking care of 5 children alone now. other than the 1 week a month he is home. It has been 7 months and SD has been living with us. She is now 6 years old and is cognitively slow I guess you could say.  When she got here her anxiety was through the roof and she was considered obese. However, BM had never gotten SD any help (even though we started that process when she was 3 ........with belief that BM would carry through when she moved.)  SD has now settled in and has lost 20 lbs part of that is because she went through a spurt of growing taller she is as tall as my 10 yr old.  Her anxiety is leveled out and I have gotten her tested with the school. Her IQ when she got her was 60 and when they tested her she was just above that. However, she has never really been diagnosed.  She has some autistic tendencies, but not really. So they think that drug use during pregnancy?  Anyhow this is getting long but I am SOOOOOO overwhelmed!!!  She has very poor social skills and when we are in public purposely acts like a baby. She likes to play with toddlers because I believe that is where she really is on their level.  The other children are having a VERY hard time adjusting and on top of it all I work full time!  I feel like all my attention goes to her and I am sure that is how the other children feel as well and start to resent her for it! Like last night for instance I was at my son's baseball game and SD is trying to take toys from baby next to us, trying to take his bottle, trying to sit on the mom's lap etc. so I missed 3/4 of my son's game because all of my attention was on her.  BM has recently told DH that she just wants visitation and wants us to keep SD because there is no longer a case with the state. It was dismissed in January.  When I try to explain to DH that I am stressed to the max he thinks I am blaming SD for it and being rude. Because he financially takes care of my kids from previous marriage. But I was thrown into having 4 kids to adding another with special needs full time on my own!!!! I  try to get help with babysitters etc. so I can take some "me time" but it is very hard in this rural area to find someone that knows how to handle her behavior appropriately. I just need some encouragement and any helpful suggestions. Sorry this was so long!

TIA~ extremeley stressed out mom


  • darbyakeep45
    June 28, 2013 at 8:33 PM

    Welcome to the group and big hugs mama!  Have you thought about having your SD evaluated by a developmental pediatrician to see if there's anything going on? 

  • Linagma03
    June 29, 2013 at 2:28 AM

    Welcome to the group. My girl is 9 but her social/emotional level is 4 to 4.5 years old, her cognitive level is 5 to 6 years old. Dealing with her can be trying at times because of the age range of her skills. Lina has an IQ of 50 the last time that she was tested. She still suffers from general anxiety and her biggest is seperation anxiety from me. 

    Have you been able to have her seen by a developmental specialist? That is where I took Lina and her first dx was FASE at about 2.5 years old. At 5 I had her seen again and the specialist said that there was something else going on and ordered genetic testing and that is how we finally found out what was going on with her. 

  • mlogsdon
    June 29, 2013 at 2:36 AM

    Welcome to the group, and thank you for sharing. You have every right to feel stressed and overwhelmed, but im sure that little girl is so grateful to have someone as attentive and caring as you in her life. It's sad that her own birth mother doesn't give her what she needs. 

    I agree with the suggestion to get her evaluated. Having a diagnosis can help you qualify for certain programs. I just started receiving respite care for my son, and having that "me time" has really let me recharge. I only have him, no other kiddos, so im sure you are in pretty serious need of some recharging. Good luck, and we're here for you :)

    by SAMI_JO
    June 29, 2013 at 4:59 AM

     Get her evaluated and get he some help. I return there will be help for you. But you have to start somewhere. Sounds like she needs OT for sure. And yes it is going to take a LOT of time, but wouldn't DH do it for yours?

  • nurse-mommy
    June 29, 2013 at 5:26 AM
    Wow- no wondr you'te stressed! However, that little girl is so lucky to have you. I definitely think getting an evaluation would help- it might give you a starting point on how to get a handle on everything
    It sounds like DH needs to spends a day (or even a few hours) with all the kids and see why you're stressed. You definitely need me time... and he needs a dose of reality.

    I wish you the best of luck! And you SD too!
  • lifeisajoy
    June 29, 2013 at 7:09 AM

    Hugs mama and that is a LOT on your plate!!  That is great you are trying to get babysitters-and I know it is VERY hard in rural area for I live in one-I hope your dh finds out really how stressful it is and comes along your side and listens and supports you-

    Been there where you are and I do not have 5 children!  Wow! Mama I think you are doing an excellent job! Take Care and thinking of you-talk to me anytime

  • Trabrooke
    June 29, 2013 at 7:23 AM

    What a lucky little girl you sound like you are trying your best get her evaluated  your husband needs to take responsibility for his child as well  big hugs and good luck

  • Basherte
    June 30, 2013 at 11:14 AM

    Quoting Trabrooke:

    What a lucky little girl you sound like you are trying your best get her evaluated  your husband needs to take responsibility for his child as well  big hugs and good luck

    ^I agree here.

    Get her evaluated. Talk to your husband. You aren't blaming the sd, you are explaining. You need some help.

    Get her evaluated. That will help a lot.

  • mandee1503
    June 30, 2013 at 11:46 PM

    *hugs* these ladies have wonderful advice. 

  • heathercm26
    July 1, 2013 at 12:45 AM
    Have u considered moving closer to your dhs job?

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