Mom to Mom

Should we let him go? EDIT
February 5, 2014 at 2:25 AM

My 10 year old ds (adoption gets finalized tomorrow) has been invited to a sleep over this coming Saturday and I'm not 100% sure I should let him go.

Just a little back story. We got custody of him back in September 2013, after a year and a half of being physically and sexually abused along with his 7 year old sister by their stepfather. When we got him he was very violent towards his little sister and started showing aggression towards my girls. He got to the point that he was rubbing himself on them and telling them nasty things and he almost shoved his little sister into our brush pile while we were burning it. After a hard decision we finally for the safety of everyone admitted him to a children mental ward. He spent part of October  all the way to right before Christmas in there. With medication and therapy he is a totally different kid, polite, pretty well-mannered for the most part, his behaviour towards the girls has changed big time.

The problem, not very often but sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night scared and will sometimes cry out for us, he even will have an accident in his bed. He has yet to spend the night with friends, only family. I really would like to see him go, he needs friends but another part of me is scared for him. What if he wakes up and gets scared that he cries or he ends up peeing in his sleeping bag? Then the kids will totally make fun of him. We have worked hard to pick up his confidence, just one bad night could really hurt him. What would you do?

EDIT: So after talking with the parents and talking between ourselves, we have decided that spending the night probably isn't a good idea for right now. So we have decided to let him go at the 2 oclock drop off and we will be picking him back up at 10pm. The other parents thought it would be better if he had a sleepover when it was just him and their son, instead of with 7 other boys. We have it planned for the follow weekend for that to happen. Thanks everyone for the advice.


  • delanna6two
    February 5, 2014 at 9:36 AM

    Hugs...I am so glad you were able to help your son and he is better...I have not been through this myself but reading through your post, I think I would probably give him some more time before doing a sleep over....I do hope that things continue to work out and improve for your ds.

  • charleyangel317
    February 5, 2014 at 9:38 AM

     I would let him go (it will only help him progress by feeling normal) but I would talk to the parents of where he is going and explain that he does have bad nights once in a while and how to handle it if it happens.

  • Texas.Mama
    February 5, 2014 at 10:09 AM

     I would leave it up to him. If he feels confident in going don't discourage him, he needs to be able to trust his own ability to make (small) decisions that are right for himself. I'm so glad that he is doing better, you and your husband are wonderful people for not giving up on him!!

    Best of luck with the sleepover!

  • Janet
    by Janet
    February 5, 2014 at 10:13 AM

    How bad does he want to go?

  • Pammi86
    by Pammi86
    February 5, 2014 at 10:52 AM

    I would let him decide.

  • waytomanykids10
    February 5, 2014 at 10:56 AM

     Oh he wants to go really really bad, he has done nothing but bounce off the walls since he got the invitation.

    Quoting Janet:

    How bad does he want to go?


  • STVUstudent
    February 5, 2014 at 11:29 AM

    How well do you know the friend and his family?  For us, that would be the real deciding factor.  My youngest adopted daughter still needs to wear a pullup at night for occasional nighttime accidents, and would wake up very early ready for the day, and would sometimes wake up in the night anxious and scared, and wander.  When she went on her first sleepover, we talked with the parents first to explain some of her "quirks".  We had met the parents, had some daytime playdates, and felt comfortable that they would be able to help her if she got anxious or scared.  We also explained her need for a pullup, and that she was VERY sensitive about it... it helped a lot. 

    Yes, your son needs friends, and sleepovers are a ritualistic rite of passage... I would urge you to get to know the parents first, so they are not blindsided if your son has an issue.  Maybe have his friend sleep over at YOUR house first.  Get your son some nighttime sleep pants- they make them for pretty big kids, and so long as his pajamas are loose fitting, no one will know and he will not be embarrased if he does have an accident.  Also, explain to him that if he is worried about an accident, that may make it more likely to happen, so this way, he will be protected and no one will know... and stress to him that this does NOT make him a baby... some kids just take a little longer for all of their inside parts to wake up...

  • STVUstudent
    February 5, 2014 at 11:35 AM

    I would also tell him, if he goes, that he can call you before bed if he wants to... if he thinks the other boy might tease him or think less of him for talking to him mom before bed, he can tell them that YOU are having some separation anxiety and he just wants to set YOUR mind at ease before bed... my son has been going on sleepovers since he was four, and he STILL calls before he goes to bed so WE won't worry about him (he phrases it that way!).  And tell him that if he wakes up scared, he can call, it will be okay.  Does he have a comfort object?  My son has a little blanket square (actually, there are about 10 of them) that he takes to bed, and he never packs for an overnight without putting at least one in his bag.

  • TAG9lbs
    by TAG9lbs
    February 5, 2014 at 12:10 PM

    I would talk to the other parents. If i felt they were capable of handleing his needs and understanding his situation then yes. If I was comfortable with the parents and he really wants to go i would also give him something that he has to do to earn the right to go like maybe have an extra clean rooom every night or rake the yard. 

  • goddess99
    February 5, 2014 at 12:19 PM

    Oh this is so tough! Part of me says let him go, he may be fine and he'll have fun but the mom part would be nervous and wouldn't want the kids to make fun if something happens.

    If he really wants to go I think even though it's scary I would let him go. Tell the other parents your concerns, so they are aware of what "might" happen. They may be able to jump in very quickly and make it so the other kids don't realize what's happening. Good luck. Keep us updated so we know how it went =)

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