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koondogg
Need some suggestions please.
November 7, 2013 at 4:06 PM

Without sounding too harsh I have to explain why I am doing this, and give examples so its probably going to be long, and I apologize.

My husband and I both age 27 we both work full time and have 1 daughter who is 4 years old. We have our second, and final child due in May. I say final, because I eventually will be the bread winner in the medical field, he will own his personal business at home for which he is schooled in, we just need a kick start to the finances before we make a go of it if you know what I mean.

First off, I have an "appointment" with my grandfather who is probably the most influential man in my life. He has helped us out, he has been there for all of us (4) grandkids, and has provided guidance etc... All around he's great, and extremely smart! The reason for this appointment, is we have recently discovered some things my parents are hiding. My husband's parents seem to be well set or at least they say they are, love them to death no issues there. My parents on the other hand are in their mid 50's. I love the dearly, but I am afraid. I have never been taught what is what dealing with finances or anything. I am able to balance and do very well at paying bills and keeping a check book, but I learned that from school. My parents have never owned their own home, they rent from my grandpa. They have declared bankruptcy twice in their adult life, I didn't know that was possible, and talked my little brother into it just a month ago he is 24 and doing the exact same things as them. Not knowing any better, I have co-signed a loan for them, now I know holy cow they are supposed to help me not the way its going. In short, I got burned and ended up making payments part of the time to save my behind. My parents are both on my cellular plan, they don't have the credit for their own, they pay me every month a lot less than what it adds up to be. Another example would be, when I moved a few hours away for college (which I haven't finished yet for the record, so I do not have a super duper high paying job), I hadn't set up an account yet within any of the local banks. My mom said oh just send me a money order I'll put it in my account and pay your bills until everything is settled. I thought, ok she's mom no harm in that, I was 19 didn't know any better. Found out, 3-6 months later when I got notices of my bills going to collection I got worried. Contacted a couple they said payments were never made. Contacted my mom, her explanation? Well, I needed a new living room set the one I had didn't match my new curtains. I was furious! My grandpa bailed me out, she ended up having to pay him back as a result.

There have been multiple incidents, where they just fix a room in this rented house, then tear it apart again spending oodles of money. I shouldn't care, yes its their stuff. My grandpa is left in the dark, because they lie outright to him. Just today, my mom said don't tell grandpa, but I withdrew the rest of my 401k I just can't make it. She quit her job because 7am sucked and I am 52 I shouldn't have to work weekends. Her exact words! I cannot tell her anything, she will simply ignore me, or worse yet!!!!! She does the exact opposite of what I ask (not too strict of rules mind you) for my daughter. I told her a healthy supper when I worked late one night. Come to find out, because I told her you need your 401k for retirment. She exclaimed, thats my business not yours. Went and picked my daughter up from the regular babysitter, I figured ok being nice having grandma time. No, she gave her 2 dishes of ice cream and Oreo cookies for supper. My daughter was so sick that night, I ended up calling into work sick the next day because I was up all night with her.

My mom has told me recently, she has a big enough life insurance policy for her and my dad that we will never have to worry. I know for a fact, because my grandpa has all the information, and he told me it is $15,000. I don't think thats enough to bury 2 people. My mom is diabetic, and honestly just from what I have researched which may or may not be right, she is possibly bi-polar. I have offered to go with her and be checked myself. She refuses. She also refuses to take any of her medication for anything else. Lets her blood sugar drop super way low, then quick drinks a Pepsi to make up for it. The doctor, I was sitting there with her, said if she isn't going to monitor the diabetes properly he will not see her anymore. She is likely to lose both limbs knees down by the time she is 55.

I have tried, believe me I have tried Cafe Moms to tell her, to ask her to plead to help her. She is my mom. My dad is the secretive yes man, who thinks the world is out to get him so does my little brother. They put paper in their windows so people won't look in. I say paranoid. They are continously in a competition with my inlaws trying to be like them, yet not really. They want to know what on earth is so special about their house and why we spend the night when we visit. I said how about the fact you guys live 9 blocks away and they live 3 hours away.

Anyway, since that long ridiculous introduction took you forever to read, I am really sorry but it felt good just to get some of that off my chest. I want to know are there some suggestions I might be able to ask my grandpa on Saturday? I want to provide for my little family without being afraid of my parents debt haunting me. My grandpa mentioned we may have to ask a lawyer some things. I just don't want to find out someday, my parents' upside down car loan whatever it was is now my problem. I don't know how all of this works. My parents try to hide everything, I've just uncovered some of it, and need help from anyone who may have been in or close to a situation like this. My husband and I are finally in a decent area financially. With 5g left in debt including our cars, we have a goal to be debt free eventually, even if its for a short time. Thanks everyone for listening, I appreciate it.

nerdy

Replies

  • goddess99
    November 7, 2013 at 6:40 PM

    You won't be responsible for their debt if you didn't sign for any of it or co sign. Don't ever put any of their stuff in your name and if you did, ask a lawyer how to take your name out of it.

  • johnny4ever
    November 7, 2013 at 6:42 PM

    good

    Quoting goddess99:

    You won't be responsible for their debt if you didn't sign for any of it or co sign. Don't ever put any of their stuff in your name and if you did, ask a lawyer how to take your name out of it.


  • hemanclub
    November 7, 2013 at 6:51 PM

    You are in a tough spot.  My in-laws are a lot like this too.  The problem with people like your parents and my in-laws is that they are so used to handouts that they come to expect it, they even get mad if someone doesn't give in to them.  I hope you realize they will never change.  Unfortunately saying no will probably mean the end to your relationship with your family.  Are you prepared for that?

  • koondogg
    November 7, 2013 at 8:57 PM

     

    OMG! You summed it up in one paragraph. I never had handouts from them, so I really don't know why they expect it so much. Yes, they do get mad. I know it'll most likely be the end for us, but if she won't monitor her health it'll be the end anyway. I know I seem horrible for saying that. I do not want the responsibility for baby sitting my brother who is just 3 years younger than me because he cannot quit spending money nor hold  a job. Thats right, 4 jobs in the last 3 weeks. His excuse they made me lift or they wanted me to buy my own tools. Umm, quit living off you unemployment is what I told him. Sometimes you have to do that, I know so no offense to anyone, but he is abusing the assistance. I instantly talk to my mom on the phone and get a headache, that cannot be normal. No joke!

    Quoting hemanclub:

    You are in a tough spot.  My in-laws are a lot like this too.  The problem with people like your parents and my in-laws is that they are so used to handouts that they come to expect it, they even get mad if someone doesn't give in to them.  I hope you realize they will never change.  Unfortunately saying no will probably mean the end to your relationship with your family.  Are you prepared for that?


     

  • JTE11
    by JTE11
    November 7, 2013 at 11:51 PM

    I would say cut ALL financial ties with your parents and have very limited personal contact with them. They are irresponsible and toxic to be around. If they want to behave like that that's their choice, but you and your family don't have to be anywhere around to see it much less get sucked into it. Nothing you do or say will change them, nothing. So the only choice you have right now is to put up a huge boundary between you and them. You live your life, let them live theirs. Don't give them anything else because they don't appreciate it, they are just using you whenever they can. If they have debt up to their eyeballs that's their debt, not yours. Don't give them any money, cell phone service, or sign for any loans again. Grown people living like that will only pull down anyone who gets close to them. If they are going down, don't let them pull your family and possibly your future home business with it, because you know that if you become more successful they will be looking for more help and handouts and try to guilt or bully you into it. Just say no now, cut the help out now. They will be angry because their 'bank' (you) is pulling out but it's something you have to do, for your own family. And disallow your mom from picking up your DD from the babysitter if she's going to be that unbelievably rude about feeding her junk. They have no respect for you or your family past the $ you can give them. It's time for big, solid boundaries. It's normal to care about your parents at some point you just have to let them live the lives they have chosen for themselves, and the consequences that come with it and step back from it all. 

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