AWallewein
Do I have a right to be angry with my mom?(LONG STORY)
June 18, 2013 at 1:12 PM

I've been wanting to get this off of my chest for awhile now. 

I was adopted at the age of 5 along with my 7 year old sister. We previously lived in an abusive home, and this new family couldnt have children so they chose to adopt. 

It was great for awhile, I couldnt imagine a better childhood; arts and crafts, sports, camps, and family dinners everynight. My sister was a menace though, she lived with the abuse longer so she was more mentally scared then I was. Her and my adoptive mom would always fight, but I was always the angel she loved and adored. 

Anyhow, as we got older my sister started getting into trouble with drugs, theft, prostituting and she even sexually abused two little boys and had to register as a sex offender.

My adoptive mom became pregnant when I was ten, which she did not think was possible, hents the adoption. 
Anyhow, when my sis was away in jail, and my little brother was born mom started taking her agressions out on me, and my brother was the new angel.
Despite feeling neglected I was a good kid, and I loved my brother more than life.

I started becoming harrassed in school, kids would throw rocks at me on the way home from school, and mom did nothing. She would still make me walk to and from everyday.

One day, she bought me a hampster and it died the very same day. She then blamed me, broke down my bedroom door and started hitting me in the face. My dad had to pull her off of me.  

After middle school was over I refused to go to highschool. I was so bullied I developed severe social anxiety and just couldnt go back. 

At the age of 17 I met my first real boyfriend and moved in with him to get away from her. We became pregnant and boy did that set her off!

I now feel no matter what I do or how hard I try to redeem myself for dissapointing her, she cant seem to treat me equally to my brother or sister.

I am now 23 and have met a man that I absolutely adore. We are married and have a beautiful baby boy.
Before the marriage she insisted on the wedding being at her house. She made all these beautiful plans and at the last second her and dad tell me they cant support the wedding because my siginificant other has aspergers and doesnt always say the nicest things.  

My sister, who has had her child taken away for selling herioine, abusing her child, offering herself for 10$ to undercover narcodics, and giving her 4 year old a sippy cup full of beer in front of these agents, and been to prison for it.. is getting better treatment from my parents then I have. 

My mom took her in, gave her her own room, (which she wouldnt do for me) and is now supporting a marriage to a man older than our dad who she has only known for a few weeks.. 

Christmas's are just plain wrong. My mom will tell me not to expect anything this year because she cant afford it, yet when I show up my little brother(her blood child) gets 15 gifts and sits there complaining about them! 

I know I am a grown woman and this may seem imature, but I am just hurt, and feel so confused about this relationship with my "mom." 

I have tried to explain these feelings to her but she just says shes sorry I feel this way and continues these actions. She has even admitted to loving my "brother" more than I because hes the child shes always wanted. 

Anyhow, Id like some opinions. 
I recently told her I cant have her in my life because it just hurts to much.

AM I WRONG?



Replies

  • AWallewein
    June 18, 2013 at 1:14 PM

    Id like to add that I have never been in trouble with the law, never had a problem with drugs, and have always respected my mother. 

  • goddess99
    June 18, 2013 at 1:30 PM

    You're not wrong. Breaking the ties to her seems to be the best thing, she won't change so why continue to let yourself be hurt by her and her actions.

  • AWallewein
    June 18, 2013 at 1:37 PM


    Thanks for taking the time to read this and respond. 

    Quoting goddess99:

    You're not wrong. Breaking the ties to her seems to be the best thing, she won't change so why continue to let yourself be hurt by her and her actions.



  • Janet
    by Janet
    June 18, 2013 at 1:42 PM

     I'm so sorry you had to go through all this. It is sad. If it was me I would have as little to do with her and your dad as possible. You deserve better in my opinion. Go on with your life, invite them to your wedding. Don't worry if they come or not. Keep it simple. I think would suggest counseling. It would be good for you. Give you someone to talk to about all this. I wish you all the best. If you ever need to talk. I'm here for you. If you were my daughter I would be very proud of you.

    hugs

     

  • Lynn750
    by Lynn750
    June 18, 2013 at 2:00 PM

       I'm so sorry that she's treating you this way!  You deserve better!  I just have no idea why she would be so cruel to you!  Do you have a good relationship with your in-laws?  Maybe you can find a better mom in your MIL.  You don't sound petty or immature to me.  You sound hurt, and rightly so.  If she hurts you so much when you're around her, you could try distancing yourself and avoiding family gatherings.  Maybe then she'll decide that she'd rather treat you well, and have you in her life.  I know, it's just not that simple sometimes.  I do have a small inkling of how much it hurts to be treated badly, thought nowhere near what you've been through.

       I have no relationship with my dad at all.  My sister had her son (not married) 13 years ago.  I'm married, and my DS is 11, and my DD is 9.  (We have another sister who chose never to have kids.)  My dad re-married when his stepson was about 12, and he's the only one my dad acknowledges as his child anymore.  He has two kids, and they are the only grandchildren my dad has seen since the other three were very young.  My kids and my nephew don't even remember him (we drove to another state to visit them many years ago).  My dad travels to another state to visit those two grandkids, but has never come to visit our three kids.  He was never much of a father growing up, but I tried for years as an adult to have a relationship with him.  Part of the reason that he only cares about the other two kids is that my stepbrother changed his last name to my dad's a few years ago, so these two grandchildren have his last name.  I guess he never expected the other three kids to have their dads' last names-?  The fact that my kids are related by blood just doesn't matter.  He even went so far as when my stepbrother's son was born, my dad called me, all excited to tell me about it.  He asked "so how does it feel to be an aunt?'  I said "Well, I've been an aunt for ten years now."  I guess he literally forgot about my sister's son!

       My sisters and I don't have anythng to do with our dad anymore.  I still send Christmas cards, hoping that he will notice that he hasn't seen my kids in 8 years, but he just doesn't care.  Luckily, my mom's brother and his wife are involved in my kids' lives, and my mom and step dad are, too.  My MIL lives in another state, but I talk to her every single week. 

       Do you have aunts/uncles/neighbors/in-laws that your kids can have a "grandparent" relationship with?  We can't choose our relatives, but we can choose what relationships to put time and effort into.  I hope you can find a good relationship with someone who can fulfill that role for you, if your mom doesn't "get a clue."

  • AWallewein
    June 18, 2013 at 2:13 PM


    Its so sad that parents put their children through this. Biological or not, parenting is like  marriage, they should have to vow to love you no matter what until death do you part lol. 

    Seriously... some people.. I could NEVER do these things to my own children, I love them so much I cant fathom it.

    Quoting Lynn750:

       I'm so sorry that she's treating you this way!  You deserve better!  I just have no idea why she would be so cruel to you!  Do you have a good relationship with your in-laws?  Maybe you can find a better mom in your MIL.  You don't sound petty or immature to me.  You sound hurt, and rightly so.  If she hurts you so much when you're around her, you could try distancing yourself and avoiding family gatherings.  Maybe then she'll decide that she'd rather treat you well, and have you in her life.  I know, it's just not that simple sometimes.  I do have a small inkling of how much it hurts to be treated badly, thought nowhere near what you've been through.

       I have no relationship with my dad at all.  My sister had her son (not married) 13 years ago.  I'm married, and my DS is 11, and my DD is 9.  (We have another sister who chose never to have kids.)  My dad re-married when his stepson was about 12, and he's the only one my dad acknowledges as his child anymore.  He has two kids, and they are the only grandchildren my dad has seen since the other three were very young.  My kids and my nephew don't even remember him (we drove to another state to visit them many years ago).  My dad travels to another state to visit those two grandkids, but has never come to visit our three kids.  He was never much of a father growing up, but I tried for years as an adult to have a relationship with him.  Part of the reason that he only cares about the other two kids is that my stepbrother changed his last name to my dad's a few years ago, so these two grandchildren have his last name.  I guess he never expected the other three kids to have their dads' last names-?  The fact that my kids are related by blood just doesn't matter.  He even went so far as when my stepbrother's son was born, my dad called me, all excited to tell me about it.  He asked "so how does it feel to be an aunt?'  I said "Well, I've been an aunt for ten years now."  I guess he literally forgot about my sister's son!

       My sisters and I don't have anythng to do with our dad anymore.  I still send Christmas cards, hoping that he will notice that he hasn't seen my kids in 8 years, but he just doesn't care.  Luckily, my mom's brother and his wife are involved in my kids' lives, and my mom and step dad are, too.  My MIL lives in another state, but I talk to her every single week. 

       Do you have aunts/uncles/neighbors/in-laws that your kids can have a "grandparent" relationship with?  We can't choose our relatives, but we can choose what relationships to put time and effort into.  I hope you can find a good relationship with someone who can fulfill that role for you, if your mom doesn't "get a clue."



  • Summerlove0617
    June 18, 2013 at 2:45 PM

    I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this! What a strong person you are! If I were you (and I know and I know I'm not so this is just my opinion)I would cut all ties with your family(mom, dad, sister). No family gatherings. No holidays. Being around that negativity is just going to keep hurting you and cause so much more damage. And now you have a child too think about. So you want him to experience this too? I don't think they're ever going to change. So you live in the same town? I seriously think you need to make some big changes where they are concerned. My husband's family are all jerks(that's putting it mildly) and we have stopped all contact with them. I don't want my DD to be around those awful people and all the drama. Ever since my in laws died we just aren't good enough to associate with and have gatherings and holidays without including us then get upset cuz they never get to see DD. For years we always went to them. Now we have a child they can come to us. Finally we gave up(this is his 4 sisters& their families along with aunts& uncles& cousins). There's so much more but I don't want to bore anyone with details. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you can get rid of all this toxic negativity in your life! No one should ever have to deal with what you have. 

  • Scinn
    by Scinn
    June 18, 2013 at 3:53 PM
    The thing is, hon, only you can be responsible for your life and your happiness and your children. I went through a similar childhood with my dad, but this isn't about me so I'll refrain lol

    As hard as it can be, you need to sit down with yourself and decide what you want in your life and where you want to go in life. What's good for your child and your family. And then cut out the things that interfere with your goals. And if that means saying goodbye to family, then so be it. That might sound cold or selfish but you're an adult now and those responsibilities fall on you, not just as an adult but as a parent. Eventually it does get better and you think less about your past because you're more focused on your preset and future. Best of luck!!
  • PCAngie
    by PCAngie
    June 18, 2013 at 6:31 PM

    Wow and I thought I had a "wicked" stepmother. I think you have made a good step and a big step in separating yourself from her and not allowing her to remain in your life. No one forced her to adopt you and its really sad that once she had her own, she did a 180 and turned into an Ogre. I imagine it's hard for you to not feel hurt, but the more independent you become from her, the better in the long run  you will feel. It's cruel for her to tell you that she loves your brother more, it's devisive and manipulative behavior. I put up with my Stepmom's nastiness until my Dad died out of respect for him. I tried to keep iin touch after his death, but it just wasn't worth it. I haven't spoken to her in years and that dark cloud is one thing I have NOT MISSED. You will be ok and you certainly don't want that cup of poison treating your baby different from the other grandkids and making your child feel unworthy. 

  • littlepinkrose
    June 18, 2013 at 8:22 PM

    No, you are not wrong at all.  I am so sorry this has happened to you.  You do need to get her out of your life for now.  You really need to start just being your own parent really.  I know that it sucks but you need to treat yourself how you deserve and want to be treated.  If you continue to let her bully you you will continue to be bullied in life.  As you have already experienced.  You are a good person who really struggled and for some reason she has some sort of block or maybe jealousy and she cannot accept you.  Her blood child made her feelings for you change and she may of wanted a girl and also she may just not be able to handle two kids well and decided that you are the one who came with the bad seed so you needed to be punished.  I hope that you can get therapy and learn that you are not a bad person.  She is also trying to make you feel worse by cutting you out of things and showing everyone attention but you.  That is manipulative and just mean do not fall for it or let it  make you feel bad.  If she is not willing to treat you the way you want then you need to leave her alone until she is.  Does your dad like you?  I am thinking if he accepts you and she does  not maybe you can still keep a relationship with him.  Hope this helps keep your head up!!