Mom to Mom

My daughters first birthday and don't know what to do with family drama
June 17, 2013 at 3:19 PM

I need advice right now... My daughters first birthday is in 10 days and I want to throw her a bday party. Her first one.  My mom is no longer here (committed suicide last August) so its been hard in general getting advice from my family.  Drama ever since my mom has been gone/happened blamming my dad and my dads side of the family about my moms death.  DRAMA......  I have friends, but they gossip and it annoying I don't like people knowing my business all the time.  I live with my dad right now and no longer live with my boyfriend.  We fight too much and I didn't want the fighting around my daughter anymore.  He lives at his parents and I live with my dad...So we rarely see eachother and he rarely sees his daughter, and he is a different sole.  Hard to even trust him right now.  My boyfriends family is even weird and have trust issues with them as well...I seem like I have trust issues, but I really don't.  I have told people things before and they go out behind my back and use it against me and it hurts that's why I am like this.  Hard to tell anyone anything anymore. So I'm in a weird situation...

My boyfriend works as a cook rarely see him (even holidays) in general so I have been raising our daughter on my own (no advice/help from family/friends) with no mother there to help me.  I have and think I have done a good job raising my daughter.  She is healthy and happy and I love her with all my heart.  Just don't know what to do about her first birthday... my boyfriend and I are up and down all the freaking time in our relationship.  I have been trying to plan a bday for her for about 2 months now, and he doesn't commit to anything, so I'm tired of just waiting for him to say yea that's a good day for her birthday.  I don't get anything (reaction) so I am going to do her bday on my own and not even invite him.  So on top of that both sides of my parents families are fighting and it's awkward/hard for my sibilings and don't know what to do with them...Like invite them or not invite them?  They have sibling problems too which is also even harder too for me on who to invite.  Just don't know what to do...I feel like I should send out an invitation saying, "If you want to come to my daughters first birthday party you can.   I won't be hurt/offended if you say no, but I do/get along with both sides of my parents family each and every one of you guys...and I don't want the drama on her first birthday, and I want her to have her family there on this very special day and to celebrate it with her.  We are all adults and need to move on from the past and this high school drama shit, and to not make other family members feel like it is hard to invite a family member to a birthday party.  My mom wouldn't want this and would want everyone to get along on this day for her granddaughter." Good to say or no?????  Even my mom's funeral was soooooo awkward and that's what my siblings and I will have to remember for the rest of our lives.  Just because they couldn't get along we have to take on what has happened.   I was asking my dad today about having a birthday party for her and he goes they don't remember their first ones...yes I know, but she is turning one my baby is turning one.  And he goes now you have to think about who to invite with I really have to take the wrath of this and my daughter too cause some adults in their 50's/60's can't get along.  It's been a roller coaster ride last year and even this year.  Just need help and some advice just wish people could get along and would be happy.  Like this is depressing to me because I'm worrying will I hurt this persons feelings if I don't invite this person???  I feel like I am high school and it won't ever end even with my family.


Any advice would be great please :-)


  • EarlGrayHot
    June 17, 2013 at 4:20 PM

    Her first birthday doesn't have to be a big deal since she won'y really know what's going on.  Plan something low key and bake her a cake so she'll have something to smear all over (I'm just thinking about my daughter's first birthday!) and buy her a couple of toys.  Her father, I trust, is providing you with support.  And I also know from experience that if someone is determined to committ suicide, they'll try it no matter what you do.  I'm sorry your dad is forced to bear the brunt of this.  Invite anyone you think you can trust such as your dad and let it go.  The child's father ought to be showing up with a present surely but if not, screw him and do it without him.  Just make sure he PAYS up because he helped make the baby and he should be helping out monetarily as well as generally.  Good luck and Happy Birthday to your little one!

  • teaspring
    June 18, 2013 at 12:33 AM

    I don't think it has to be a big deal.  You already know that there are folks who are unhealthy for you to be around, so I personally think the best thing for you and your baby (and your dad, since you and she live with him) is to have a special cake, buy her the gifts you want her to have, make sure your camera has fresh batteries, and just enjoy the day with just you, your dad, and the baby.  Take lots of pics of her with icing all over her face and hands and playing with bows and wrapping paper (which honestly they'll love even more than the gifts) and relax and have a nice day with her.  You'll feel fine about it and so will your dad.  No drama, just a fine, fun, day with pictures and memories ;)

    Hugzzzz momma!

    ...and happy happy 1st birthday to you both! :)

  • goddess99
    June 18, 2013 at 11:05 AM

    I would only invite the people/family you get along with and you know will not cause drama.

  • Roo1234
    by Roo1234
    June 18, 2013 at 11:10 AM

    I would think the best option would be for you and your daughter to spend the day together.  Celebrate her on your own. Make or buy a small cake, do the things you think are important to you and take a few pictures.  Give her the gift of your attention and take the opportunity to figure out how you can make sure that her life is better than it is today.  Accept that the people you have surrounded yourself with aren't good for either of you, and seek positive change.

  • skipper05
    June 18, 2013 at 11:49 AM

    Thanks everyone...this really helped :-) I really appreciate the advice and all...:-) Going to celebrate with her and my dad less stress for me and her :-)

  • skipper05
    June 18, 2013 at 11:50 AM

    I love this place :-)

  • goddess99
    June 18, 2013 at 11:59 AM

    Hope she has a happy 1st birthday party

  • villagemamma
    June 18, 2013 at 12:50 PM

    I feel your pain. i went through TONS of ridiculous drama during my daughters first bday as well. My dad and step mom who raised me didnt want to come because my birth mother and her new husband were going to be there. My younger siblings couldnt come because my dad and step mom werent coming. My grandparents wouldnt come because my dad wasnt coming. My Dh's family had been recently cut out of our lives from trying to steal money from DH and i's bank account. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA...

    I finally let go of the idea of having a huge get together because honestly the kid wont remember it anyway so may as well not make it a horrific experience for you. I ended up just telling everyone that when and where her party was and made sure that they knew that this is going to be a drama free event and that if they couldnt keep it so then dont bother coming at all... In the end the party ended up being my mom, stepdad, older sister, and some family friends. It was a good time and no drama

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