Mom to Mom

should I tell her?
by mkaj
June 10, 2013 at 1:44 AM
I have a little problem so my daughter is almost 9 and when she was a year old her bio dad and I split up for abusive reasons, well he is a dead beat and has never been in her life or paid a dime for her. Well When she was a little over a year i started dating this guy and now we have been together for 8 and a half years but my daughter thinks he is her real dad and doesn't know a thing and I feel bad and think she has the right to know but my hubby thinks we should keep it a secret. He is scared that she is not going to love him as much etc. I think everything will be fine but I'm so tore. She is a huge daddy's girl and I don't want anything to change that


  • beckib1986
    June 13, 2013 at 9:38 AM

    My mom didn't tell me my stepdad wasn't my dad. I found out from my older sister because she was mad at me when I was 14. I was very mad that I found out from my sister and not my mom and I was mad at my mom and stepdad for a little bit. Our relationship didn't change I still call him dad to this day. And I was still a daddy's girl. I met my real dad when i was 16 and now we have a good relationship too. So I get a bonus I have two dads. But I think you should tell her because it hurts a lot hearing it from someone else. Hope this helps.

  • sexymom37
    June 13, 2013 at 9:52 AM
    I'm not in your situation so I can't tell you what to do. Wouldn't you rather be the one to tell her. God forbid she finds out from someone else. Doctors do ask for the familys medical history. If I fould out that my parents keep something like that from me I would be furious. Could your family recover from this big secret
  • moniqueluvspeyt
    June 13, 2013 at 10:12 AM

    i dont think it would change anything but at 9 may still be a lil confusing....w8 till everyone is ready to tell her...but not telling her could be bad ...he may come out of the woodwork someday and shell be mad for the lying........quite a dilima...... my 7 month old also's dad may not be his dad...but i hope he is so we dont have to face this one day....good luck!

  • firelily6052
    June 13, 2013 at 10:19 AM

    I just wanted to say that I believe you should definitely tell her. Now. My biological dad left when I was 3. I can remember the day he left. So I always knew. But my youngest brother didn't know his biological dad. My Mama chose to wait "until he was ready" to tell him. His biological father died before he ever found out, so he never got to meet him. It put a tremendous strain on his relationship with my Mom, the guy that raised him, and his biological father's extended family. If your husband is a good father and  treats your daughter like his daughter, telling her will only make her love him more in the long run. If you wait, she will resent you both for lying to her for so long.

  • Jen137
    by Jen137
    June 13, 2013 at 10:24 AM

    Hi there. I am new here. But I just wanted to say what it was like for me when I was that age and found out my "dad" wasn't my dad. My mom had had me when she was young. She was also in an abusive relationship with my real dad. She left him when I was about a year old. I didn't know that the father I grew up knowing wasn't my dad. Until I was about the same age as your daughter. My mom told me. I don't know why she did..but it tore my heart out. I cried and cried. It hurt me to know that he wasn't my real dad. From that day on I would wonder who my reald dad was. I would ask all sorts of questions..questions my mom wasn't willing to answer or my other family at that matter. Nobody wanted me to find him because of the kind of man he was when my mom was married to him.

    I don't know whether you have told your daughter or not..but my advice would be to wait..wait until she is mature enough to handle the truth..wait until she kind find answers herself instead of having all kinds of questions that your not ready to answer yourself. Wait until she is grown and if she wants to find her real dad and find the answers herself she can be mature enough for that.

    I found my real dad just this last year.. I am 39 now. I had wondered about him ever since I first heard about him. I had sought him out looking him up online whenever I thought about it. It came about that his wife was on facebook so that is how I found him. He is a changed man. No longer the man he was when my mom was married to him. A grandpa now. So my advice would be to wait it out. At least wait until she is 18. I don't know. That is only my opinion. But do what is in your heart.

  • Lilys_mama1222
    June 13, 2013 at 10:28 AM

    I Think honesty is the best policy. If you decide to tell her you can just tell her a father is the one who loves you, takes care of you, and raises you. My bother in law(15) recently found out that the man he thought was his father for his whole life wasn't his bio father and it totally messed with him.. his parents went as far as not telling him even after they got a divorce when he was 7 and he lived with my father in-law for a majority of that time.. he now refuses to see him and lives full time with his mother
  • Joonbug901
    June 13, 2013 at 10:52 AM

    I met my now husband when my son was 2. My husband adopted him & became his father right before our wedding took place in 2008. When we went through all this & went to the court house, we kept telling my son that his dad was adopting him. He didn't know what the word meant at the time, sure, but as time goes on, and he learned what adopted means, we'll be able to sit down & talk. We did it this way so that we never "hid" anything from him. 

    I think it is better to tell her early on (between 8 & 10 - they are old enough to understand), because once you get into the teenage years, you are going to get hit with the "he's not my real dad" stuff! You might still get that in the teenage years, but at least you'll know it's just the hormones & attitude & not what she really thinks. 

    You should also point out that he didn't have to be there as her dad, he WANTED to. He CHOSE to be there for every dirty diaper, every temper trantrum, every accident, every report card, every graduation & every big moment. She might not grasp that completely at first, but as she gets older, she will remember what you said & understand just how big of a deal that is. 

    Hope that helps. 

  • aj_mom
    by aj_mom
    June 13, 2013 at 10:59 AM

    I would wait until she was older if at all. Just my opinion.

  • chrissygrnr
    June 13, 2013 at 11:06 AM

    I suggest that you tell her now, while she's old enough to understand and young enough to accept it. I went through the same thing with my children. For 5 years another man was "daddy" to my children. When we split up, he left without ever looking back, and that was when I had no choice but to tell my kids the truth. At 9 years old, my middle daughter met her bio dad for the first time, sitting in a prison visiting room of all places. I waited for her to ask to meet him before I ever bothered to find out where he was at, but at least she knew that I was willing to do this for her. I also made sure that she was really ready for it. I told her up front that he may not claim her and may take one look at her and refuse to admit that he's her father. She told me that she didn't care. She just wanted to meet him so she would know what he looked like. It's really a personal choice for anyone in this kind of a situation, but in my experience it's best to be honest. Tell her that her "daddy" will always be her "daddy" and will always love her, but she has a "biological father" as well. Let her know that there is a huge difference between a "daddy" and a "father" because any man can be a father but it takes someone really special to be a daddy and she has that. Let her know that she gets to choose what she wants to do or how she wants to respond to this new information. That's what I did and it worked out for the best for my little girl. She never called him "dad" but she met him and it was on her terms. Best of luck to you and yours.

  • 666mama
    by 666mama
    June 13, 2013 at 11:12 AM

    My husband was raised not knowing that his "Dad" was not his bio-dad.  He was told when he was 24 years old and still is upset with his parents for waiting so long.  He did figure out why his parents and grandparents treated his lttle brother differently than him when they were kids.  Although after he was told the truth his "dad" and him have a better relationship than they ever did before.  

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