Mom to Mom

should I tell her?
by mkaj
June 10, 2013 at 1:44 AM
I have a little problem so my daughter is almost 9 and when she was a year old her bio dad and I split up for abusive reasons, well he is a dead beat and has never been in her life or paid a dime for her. Well When she was a little over a year i started dating this guy and now we have been together for 8 and a half years but my daughter thinks he is her real dad and doesn't know a thing and I feel bad and think she has the right to know but my hubby thinks we should keep it a secret. He is scared that she is not going to love him as much etc. I think everything will be fine but I'm so tore. She is a huge daddy's girl and I don't want anything to change that


  • Aaronmarie
    June 18, 2013 at 10:24 PM

    This! My DD is about the same age as yours. Her dad passed on. She remembers nothing of her bio dad except what she has been told. She is completely daddy's girl & nothing's going to change that. But if you lie to her until she's a teen and she finds out, it will rip the two of them apart, and honestly - the two of you as we'll. do it now. It will take her a minute to adjust to the news, and then she'll probably forget about it pretty much, because she's already got her daddy.

    Quoting Janet:

    The younger you tell her the better. When they get older they can get bitter when things are kept from them. That's my opinion.

  • mellieme24
    June 20, 2013 at 4:19 PM

    The man my DF called dad all his life is not his BF.  His mom was dating 2 guys at the same time when she became preggo.  She felt that when she got preggo she had to choose 1 man, and chose "the wrong man."  While they never got a DNA test my DF looks like his BF and nothing like his mom or the man he calls dad.  She waited until he was 18 to tell him the truth. He was/is upset with her that she didnt tell him sooner.  He doesnt love or treat his dad any less now that he knows he is not his BF.  He did meet and try to reconnect with BD, but that did not last very long. 

    I think you should tell her sooner rather than later.  My MIL and I have talked about the situation and she said she just never knew how to tell him....until one day it just came out.  She did regret that she didnt tell him sooner....but again didnt know how.  Your situation is different can always tell you DD that BF walked out and that is when you met your DH.  The only thing I would not do is talk bad about BF....sometimes that makes kids resent you.  I think she will be grateful that your DH stepped in and became a loving father to her. 

  • 4kidsmommy
    June 20, 2013 at 8:50 PM

    Well I went through this two years ago with my oldest dd. my husband has always consider her his daughter. The day we got married he said to her come to daddy. She was about 21 months old. Anyway, we finally decided that it was time to tell her because the spree donors grandmother always sent her cards and we told her that it came from another grandmother. Well it wasn't going to well with the other three kiddos. Anyway, so when we sat down to tell her we waited till he came home from oversea (my husband). He explained to her that he loved her very much and nothing was going to change about her being his oldest baby girl. And that she had a biological father out there. She asked a couple of question, but nothing huge. Main question that stood out is why he wasn't around. We to,d her that he wasn't ready to be a father to her. Anyway, fast forward to another year. I contacted him through face book, because he was late in child support. And that he was about to go to jail if he didn't pay. Mind you, he hadn't seen her since she was 5 years old. And even then he had only seen her 4 times. None she would remember. Anyway, he paid and a coup,e of months later he stopped paying all together. So, I tried contacting him, so I went to his wife's Facebook. Low and behold she told me he was dead. Not in the least bit shocked, be did drugs for a long time even before me, after me and whatever. But okay, yes you should tell her, let her ask the questions. But she isn't going to hate your husband none the less. Just prepare yourself and your husband, and then your child. Now I should say, my dd had two shocks in one day. Her sperm donor dead, and then her cat. Lets just say the cat got all the tears.   Now how's that for kinda crazy. Good luck with whatever you choose.

  • MaggieO
    by MaggieO
    June 25, 2013 at 10:52 AM

    I am glad you found a good guy in DH.  I'd say tell your daughter that even though DH may not be her bio dad, he is still her daddy.  I doubt her love for him will diminish in any way.  You can let her know that he is not her bio dad and that you and bio dad could not stay married.  I'd wait until she is older to tell her she was abusive.

  • mshope911
    June 25, 2013 at 11:55 AM
    Its important for her to know the truth ......So later in life she won't have an identity crisis....What's done in the dark will come to the light....treat her the way you want to be treated by being honest...Its only fair that she knows where she came from... She will love her step dad even more for accepting her as his on...(just my opinion)
  • nurse1997
    June 25, 2013 at 8:18 PM

    I just went thru this my self my daughter just turned 16 and my husband had been raising her since she was 5 months old !! My daughter never went thru the bullcrap of her sperm doner not wanting her or being stood up  her father has loved her ,taken care of her on nights she has been sick, etc  when I told my daughter she didnt even care she said her dad was her dad no matter what - If you can keep the secret safe wait  until she can fully understand - My daughter is happy,smart, and I would not change waiting to tell her its the best choice I have ever made in my life !!! ps people will tell u she has a right to know rember these people are not around when you have a kid waiting on her bday,etc  because dad has not called why run the chance of having her feel rejected !!!

  • harream
    by harream
    June 25, 2013 at 8:36 PM

     That's totally up to you guys!!! I ways knew growing up that my dad adopted me.

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