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SeptemeberMommy
Telling his biological dad...
March 20, 2013 at 3:48 PM
I hope someone is going through this or has been through it.

I got pregnant with my first son, when I found out I was pregnant, DS bio dad thought I was lying just to keep him around. That was enough for me and I left it at that. I ended up with my now husband when I was 2 months pregnant. Our son has known him as nothing but his daddy. My husband and I also have a 1 year daughter now. We planned on leaving things the way they are and letting DS think that DH was his father. Now I'm questioning all the choices I have made, and I am now wanting to tell DS biological father that he has a child. But I don't know where to even begin.

DS bio dad knows that I have a kids (through mutual friends). I believe he just thinks that DS is my hunbands child, or atleast he forces himself to believe that.

I have found his biological father through Facebook, but that doesn't sound like the greatest way to contact him and let him know he was a child.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! And please no back lash, I made my decisions for other reasons also. Thanks!

Replies

  • MichelleMc
    March 20, 2013 at 4:25 PM

    Totally confused. First you said that DS bio dad knew & said you were lying just to keep him. So you said that was it & left it at that. Got with your now husband. 

    Then you said, DS bio dad knows you have a kid but just thinks that  DS is your husbands child. 

    So which is it? If you already told him, and he was being a jerk, and didn't want to be a dad, you already told him. He knew how to get ahold of you. If you want your how husband to adopt your DS, just contact bio dad to sign rights away unless your now husband is on the BC. 

    I always feel different than some people because I don't feel that blood is everything. 

  • goddess99
    March 20, 2013 at 4:51 PM

    I would just contact him some how and say, I know you didn't believe me when I told you but my son is yours and I just wanted you to know the truth. Then the ball is in his court.

  • Janet
    by Janet
    March 20, 2013 at 8:12 PM
    I would leave it alone.
  • Lorik1969
    March 21, 2013 at 7:36 AM
    Lot of unanswered questions here. Whose name is on the birth certificate? Why the sudden change of heart? How does your husband, who has been raising the child, feel about it? Your ex knows he has a child. Unless he's a complete idiot, you told him you were pregnant, he chose not to believe you. If he wanted to know for certain if the child was his all he would have to do is find out his birth date. I don't understand why you feel the need to rock the boat. Your son has a father and a family. Why turn his world upside down?
  • DazeDelights
    March 21, 2013 at 8:13 AM
    Why would you want to tell him? How old is your son? How does your dh feel about it?

    I don't understand why you are questioning your decision. Trust me he knows that's his son. I'm sure he can count. If he really cared he would have stepped up years ago. I wouldn't risk hurting my dh or my son for someone who really didn't care if you left.
  • SeptemeberMommy
    March 21, 2013 at 2:57 PM
    My husband is on the birth certificate. I just realized how I do not want to lie to my son, I'm afraid it will back fire on me some day if I do not tell him now. I would never want my son to resent me for lying to him.

    He is only 4 years old now, so I know he may not understand now.

    My husbands understands where I am coming from, though he is not happy that there may be a chance DS bio father may come into the picture.

    I'm just not sure what is the best decision right about now.


    Quoting Lorik1969:

    Lot of unanswered questions here. Whose name is on the birth certificate? Why the sudden change of heart? How does your husband, who has been raising the child, feel about it? Your ex knows he has a child. Unless he's a complete idiot, you told him you were pregnant, he chose not to believe you. If he wanted to know for certain if the child was his all he would have to do is find out his birth date. I don't understand why you feel the need to rock the boat. Your son has a father and a family. Why turn his world upside down?

  • kss12
    by kss12
    March 21, 2013 at 4:25 PM
    I would leave it alone, you will open a whole can of worms that I'm sure you don't want to deal with!
  • SlapItHigh
    March 21, 2013 at 8:24 PM

    You Re going to have to face this sooner or later and I strongly recommend sooner. Your son will find out one day and resent you for not telling him. My mom didnt find out her dad wasn't her biological dad until later in life and it crushed her. Her bio dad actually died so she never got to meet him but she felt totally rejected that his side of the family never tried to be a part of her life. 

    You are right to not want to lie to your son. You have to give his family more of a chance to know him. 

  • MichelleMc
    March 21, 2013 at 8:29 PM

    At four, it is almost cruel to tell him now. He will not even close to understand. NO WAY would I do it now. That is my personal opinion. Everyone is all about bio dad, bio dad. He had a choice, he made it. 

    I know people that reacted both ways. I know people that found out at 10, 18, 20, never til a parent died. Everyone handled it differently. Some say they are glad they didn't know young, some say they wish they knew sooner. I think that too young is NOT good. They don't understand it, and surely don't know what is going on. They don't grasp it all & it is just bringing drama & hard feelings. 

    So you tell him, and the bio dad STILL wants nothing to do with him, so now, you brought all that heart ache for no reason. 

    Honestly, the earliest I think someone should be told is 12. Even then, I think it goes by their maturity. How can they handle things, I think when you do tell them, if you sit them down & are honest about blood, love & how Blood might be thicker than water, but LOVE this thicker than all, it might not even matter to him about a bio dad that wasn't in his life. He has a DAD that cared & mattered. 

    And it isn't lying. Your husband is his dad. Just because he wasn't the sperm donar has nothing to do with it.

  • MamaSnaps
    March 21, 2013 at 8:31 PM

    This is one hell of a sticky situation and I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here. 

    I think your best option is to contact the bio-dad and have him sign over his parental rights so your DH can adopt. Who is on the birth certificate? That could be even stickier. 

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