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sweetmomma326
How often should a couple "argue"? PLEASE HELP!!
March 7, 2013 at 2:25 PM

Is it normal to get in a heated argument with your husband/significant other about once or twice a week?  I know sometimes it's good to vent, but is it normal to get into an argument so bad that you don't want to be around the other person?  Any advice would help!! And also, how can two people who are both hot headed stay calm in those situations?  I can't seem to calm down quite as fast as other people no matter what I try to do.

Replies

  • JJJMommyKris
    March 8, 2013 at 11:00 AM
    Have you considered premarital counseling? Might be worth the time. My dh and I bicker when we are stressed but it doesn't last very long. As far as seriously heated arguments, a very small handful in the last 15 years.
  • goddess99
    March 8, 2013 at 11:10 AM

    I don't think that's normal at all. We've been married 5 years and the only argument I remember having was before we even got married. I wouldn't want to be with someone I argue with.

  • goddess99
    March 8, 2013 at 11:12 AM

    Whoa! You're not even married?  I sure as hell wouldn't marry someone you argue with like that. Hello, that's a red flag your relationship doesn't work.

    Quoting sweetmomma326:


    How in the world do you keep them from happening :(? We are getting married next month and we are on the verge of calling it quits.  We both have short tempers and explode because of all the stress we have right now. 

    Quoting MJP76:

    No. It's not normal or healthy. I can literally count on one hand the heated arguments we have has in 17 years.




  • splatz
    by splatz
    March 8, 2013 at 12:49 PM
    I would put a hold on the wedding and look into couples counseling.
  • LawMom8308
    March 8, 2013 at 2:53 PM

     

    You are one of the few that has a great man...not many men out there are like yours. I'll admit my hubs is pretty awesome and we mesh well together. It's all about learning each other and how to handle when the other one has a reaction to things.

    You are a lucky woman!

     

    Quoting MJP76:

     

    Well for starters I got with someone that I had a lot in common with. Before getting together and stating a family we had lengthy discussions on our belief systems revolving around just about everything in life. We agree on damn near everything and we just gel really well together. I mostly wear the pants in the family, and it was important to me before we stared a family that he wasn't going to clash with that. If I need to vent about something, he knows I just need my space (I do have a temper) but he just sits back and chills and lets me "vent" and then once I've calmed down we discuss it like adults. I warned him of this going it, that it was important to me that he was/is my rock. If we disagree with each other about something (which is rare) we just discuss it like adults.

    Quoting sweetmomma326:

     

    How in the world do you keep them from happening :(? We are getting married next month and we are on the verge of calling it quits.  We both have short tempers and explode because of all the stress we have right now. 

    Quoting MJP76:

    No. It's not normal or healthy. I can literally count on one hand the heated arguments we have has in 17 years.

     

     

     

     


     

  • Diane1223
    March 8, 2013 at 3:31 PM

    My husband and I almost never argue, and when we have a heated one, it is once in a while.  I hope things get better for you and your SO. 

  • sweetmomma326
    March 8, 2013 at 11:27 PM

    Thanks.  I believe it's more me than him because he can let something go, but I can hold on for months :(


    Quoting Diane1223:

    My husband and I almost never argue, and when we have a heated one, it is once in a while.  I hope things get better for you and your SO. 



  • Basherte
    March 9, 2013 at 7:53 AM

    The main thing is to remember that a lot of the fights/arguments are probably from the stress. 

    Try to use phrases that emphasis your own feelings and minimize accusations of the other person.

    Stressful situations tend to do one of two things. 

    1. Bring a couple closer together.

    2. Rip that couple apart.

    Remember that only the two of you can cause the relationship to end or to get better. 

    What worked for me and my husband, is to pull together and deal with whatever is stressing us together. Sharing the stress makes it less on us individually. Remembering that together you can make it through anything also helps. 

    Also, pick your fights. Some things are just not worth fighting over. 

    Quoting sweetmomma326:


    How in the world do you keep them from happening :(? We are getting married next month and we are on the verge of calling it quits.  We both have short tempers and explode because of all the stress we have right now. 

    Quoting MJP76:

    No. It's not normal or healthy. I can literally count on one hand the heated arguments we have has in 17 years.




  • lancet98
    March 9, 2013 at 8:50 AM

     

    It depends on what the argument is about and how it is done, and what the result of the argument is.   That's more important than how often it is....to a point, anyway.

    Sometimes, argument is good.   Sometimes, argument is bad.

    Many couples, when they argue, they 'fight dirty'.  

    What's fighting dirty?   Well a big one is that they don't stick to the current subject, they bring in all sorts of past problems and don't stay with what's going on right at the moment.   That has to change.   Keep focused on what is wrong NOW and don't bring in any other incidents or events from the past.

    Another part of 'fighting dirty' is 'posturing'.   Making something up to be angry about, to get some other concession from the partner.   This is REALLY fighting dirty.   Don't argue about anything unless it is really a problem - NEVER argue to manouver the person around to doing something unrelated that you really want.   MUCH of arguing with couples is 'posturing'.   The person isn't really upset about what they are pretending to be upset about.   It's kind of a power struggle, or manipulation.   NEVER use arguing to manipulate another person.   Ask directly for them to do what you want them to do, do NOT try to use an argument to manipulate.

    Much 'dirty fighting' is about very trivial things that are not really that important but are symbolic to the person.   For example, people might argue for hours, starting off because wife bought grated cheese instead of a block of cheese.   If something can easily be remedied it is NOT WORTH arguing about.

    Much of other 'dirty fighting' is about things that can NEVER be resolved.   Say wife is a shy type who likes to stay home, and husband is the opposite.   And that's just both of their natures.  Things that are unlikely to change are how much sleep someone needs, how much sex someone needs, what type of food someone likes, etc.

    More 'dirty fighting' is about drinking and addiction problems.   These aren't going to be resolved by screaming and yelling.    The spouse needs to set some boundaries and then keep to them, with quiet determination and utter consistency.   If hubby's drinking is getting out of control, it's endagering the kids and he won't go to AA or detox, LEAVE.   Don't scream and yell - PACK.   This may be the only thing that gets him working on it, or NOTHING may help.   Then leave.

    One of the most basic things that leads people to argue, is a difference in values.   Hubby thinks strip clubs are fun, wife thinks the strip clubs are a fundamental betrayal of their marriage vows.    Wife wants to buy a lot of clothes, husband does not want her to.   Most of these problems will NEVER be solved by one person getting their way entirely and the other feeling angry constantly.   Compromise solves these problems.

    RULES FOR A FAIR FIGHT:

    1. Never argue or feign anger as a way of manouvering into a position of more power.  Pick your battles and only argue about things you really feel genuinely about.

    2. NEVER respond to anger with anger.   If hubby is shouting and angry, keep your voice DOWN.  If you are angry, he needs  to keep cool(he may not do it until you have done it many times).  If you shout back at an angry person, it will only escalate and get worse and worse.   If you keep your voice down, once he is through venting he may match your volume.   LET THE PERSON BE ANGRY.   Let him vent his feelings.

    3. If someone is angry, see it as your primary job, to FIND OUT WHAT THEY ARE ANGRY ABOUT - NOT TO DEFEND YOURSELF!   This is a key rule here.   DON'T DEFEND YOURSELF.    Think of yourself not as 'the poor wronged innocent' but as a detective, an investigator.   You need to find out when this anger started, and how, and why.   Investigate - calmly.

    4. While being that investigator, DO NOT JUDGE.   DO NOT CRITICIZE.   DO NOT DEVALUE THAT PERSON'S FEELINGS.    AND DO NOT BRING YOUR EMOTIONS UP TIL THAT PERSON HAS HAD A CHANCE TO VENT - and DO NOT ask sarcastic questions like, 'Are you done yet?'    Let THEM say when they are done.

    5. If the argument turns physical or becomes clearly physically threatening, LEAVE.   DO NOT CONTINUE TO GIVE A PERSON ATTENTION IF HE THREATENS YOU, DO NOT THREATEN BACK, LEAVE.   GET OUT.  NOW.

    6. NEVER attempt to argue with a person who is high or drunk, or even a little high or a little drunk.

    7.  NEVER lay all the blame on the other person.   'I can help fix this too' is a good attitude.  

    When YOU ARE ANGRY, follow the Three Step Plan.

    1.   Say why you are angry.

    2. Say what the other person did that made you angry.

    3. Say what you would like the person to do instead, the next time this comes up.

    And then, SAY NOTHING MORE.

    Quoting sweetmomma326:

    Is it normal to get in a heated argument with your husband/significant other about once or twice a week?  I know sometimes it's good to vent, but is it normal to get into an argument so bad that you don't want to be around the other person?  Any advice would help!! And also, how can two people who are both hot headed stay calm in those situations?  I can't seem to calm down quite as fast as other people no matter what I try to do.


     

  • SlapItHigh
    March 9, 2013 at 8:53 AM

    Did/will you take a marriage prep class?  That's too many heated arguments. You need to figure out how to argue without getting heated. 

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