blackfish
PTSD caused by Domestic Voilence
January 31, 2013 at 3:27 AM

I am struggling, my life is in turmoil, somedays I am in control - sometimes I am nearly happy, though I am not sure I would recognise 'happy' anymore. Sometimes I am down, I would say - on my knees down,  but there is so  much lower one can go than that. Right now I am in the faking it till you make it act, (that is my public act) but at home, behind my locked doors, I can - just be - what ever that may be. I am safe. I can lie on my bed, ear phones on to block out the thoughts in my head, my eye mask on to hide me from the world - and I drift. . .

Blood & Cuts V War & Peace

I am thinking of buying a needle. The desire is building inside of me as my brain sneaks peripheral glimpses at the idea.   It's forbidden to think openly about such a thing - a needle - a vein - blood dripping. Slowly. One big, fat, dark red drop at a time. Drip. Splat! A pattern - a blood splatter pattern. A little, tiny, blood splatter pattern - so perfect, so unique. Another drop forms, builds, swells and . . . Splat! Blood. Red. Mesmerising. Perfect for pattern making. Perfect for disappearing into. Perfect for letting my ‘self' slide out of my body and slip gently into the side of the drop. I can feel it now - imagine the pleasure, the safety - I am hidden in a warm, dark red blob. It is alive, it holds me, clings to me - no one can see me here. A small secret smile forms on my mouth.

Forbidden thoughts! Don't think about the blood. Don't think about a needle.

Right now I use a scalpel. I cut patterns and words into my body then use tissues to gently blot up the blood. I have tissues in my desk drawer with my blood patterns on them. The blood changes colour as the days go by, becoming a rustic brown. It's cool. It makes me smile. The cuts on my leg are bright red and slightly raised. I. Love. Them. But they too are forbidden. But no one knows that I am doing it again. It is a secret. I don't want to stop. I like how it makes me feel. They are my cuts, my lines and my patterns. I own them. No one can take them away from me. It is my blood that slowly oozes out, swelling, and then gently running if I don't use the tissue to make blood patterns. It is my blood and my cuts.

But a needle. Just a little prick on the skin, a little sting and then blood. Dripping.

There. I thought about it. I looked the idea, the desire, straight in the eye, I can feel the tension easing - the forbidden is obtainable.

 

Replies

  • DixieFlower
    February 1, 2013 at 8:49 PM

    I second the recomendation of counseling. It took me many years to work through my PTSD. It's still there but much more managable.

  • Amberleigh81
    February 1, 2013 at 9:59 PM
    You write beautifully. Please seek help, because someone with your talent should be celebrated and cherished, not abused.
  • nelliesmommy
    February 1, 2013 at 11:10 PM

    If you believe in God, pray. Go to a therapist and maybe get on meds. I have ptsd because of abuse also and i am on meds and go to a psychiatrist.

  • Jenn8604
    February 2, 2013 at 12:44 AM
    free will. Everyone has it and freely chooses how to act and treat others and how to react to everything.

    Quoting DixieFlower:

    I think it really varies by person. I know for the longest time I wondered "why" God had let what happened to me happen. What had I done that was so wrong that it was allowed to go on. It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I was ever able to get those thoughts resolved and the last incidence of DV had occured 25 yrs prior.



    Quoting Jenn8604:

    I agree, do you? Because he is who got me thru. Without him I would have been worse off.



    Quoting SlapItHigh:

    Do you have faith in God?




  • DixieFlower
    February 2, 2013 at 8:04 AM

    Yes, free will is what caused my father to be abusive but my question always was why I was at the other end of the abuse. At 5 yrs of age I couldn't just up and leave. So I always wondered why I was put in that situation by God. I mean after all he was supposed to be all knowing and know what was in store for us in our lives. So why would he knowingly put a child of his in that situation.  I've resolved all of those questions now however for the longest time I still questioned.


    Quoting Jenn8604:

    free will. Everyone has it and freely chooses how to act and treat others and how to react to everything.

    Quoting DixieFlower:

    I think it really varies by person. I know for the longest time I wondered "why" God had let what happened to me happen. What had I done that was so wrong that it was allowed to go on. It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I was ever able to get those thoughts resolved and the last incidence of DV had occured 25 yrs prior.



    Quoting Jenn8604:

    I agree, do you? Because he is who got me thru. Without him I would have been worse off.



    Quoting SlapItHigh:

    Do you have faith in God?






  • splatz
    by splatz
    February 2, 2013 at 12:42 PM
    I 110% agree. All I could think was if there was a god why was he letting this happen to me. This topic came up many times with women in the shelter during our classes. And the majority of women felt the same way.

    Unfortunately faith doesn't work for everyone in these instances. My personal motivator was my son. Because if I didn't stand up and protect him nobody else would. And I knew no matter what I had to suck it up and push through for him because he deserved the best.


    Quoting DixieFlower:

    I think it really varies by person. I know for the longest time I wondered "why" God had let what happened to me happen. What had I done that was so wrong that it was allowed to go on. It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I was ever able to get those thoughts resolved and the last incidence of DV had occured 25 yrs prior.



    Quoting Jenn8604:

    I agree, do you? Because he is who got me thru. Without him I would have been worse off.



    Quoting SlapItHigh:

    Do you have faith in God?




  • preacherskid
    February 2, 2013 at 1:00 PM

    I lived with a cutter for several months, until she moved out.  I hope she found help and resolution for the pain that made her cut herself.  Please, seek therapy.  Whatever happened to you was wrong, and it was not your fault.  No one deserves to be abused or degraded, by others or by themselves.  I am assuming you have a child as well, since you are here.  Think of your child, how they see you, how they see what you do (even if you only cut when they are not around, they see the marks, they know).  How do you want your child to cope with horrible things when they are older?  How can you model that behavior for your child?  Maybe I will come off as harsh, I don't know, but I never said anything to my roommate.  I should have, it might have convinced her to seek help.