BLHSWH2012
IS IT RIGHT I AM LYING TO MY SON????
January 29, 2013 at 5:22 PM

My son is 10 months old sorry not 8, I met my boyfriend when I first got pregnant. His biological father don't want nothing to do with him nor me, he dont think its his son, we have not done a dna test, because I dont want him in the picture. I think he will be a bad roll model. My boyfriend has been a great daddy to him, but do you think I should continue with Mark(boyfriend) as his father or should I contact his biological father and give him a chance to be there for him and give Spencer(my son) the chance to know his father. I dont want him to get older and find out I have been lying and then hate Mark or worse hate me. So Please help me.. I have no Idea what to do!!!

Replies

  • Basherte
    January 31, 2013 at 2:32 PM

    I agree with you.


    Quoting MsGrayciesMommy:

    For me.. the biggest mistake you can make as a parent, and the biggest disrespect is to have your child call anyone else dad or mom. Especially just a boyfriend. If you want his dad involved great. If not, why does he need to call anyone dad?

    I wouldn't lie about that. At 10 months old though. I'm not sure what your little one understand and doesn't understand.

  • Strength4Karma
    January 31, 2013 at 10:28 PM
    This


    Quoting DragonMother10:

    Yes it is wrong, especially so young and especially if your boyfriend didn't adopt your son. Your son will eventually find out the truth and will end up resenting you for lying to him. If he doesn't believe he is the father, then get a DNA test. If he finds out that he is your son's father, he could change his attitude. Don't punish your child just because you don't like his dad.

  • misymac
    by misymac
    February 1, 2013 at 1:14 AM

    I made the same mistake you are making.. I did not have a dna done nor did I go after him for child support.. BIG mistake.. There is no way you are ever going to be able to hid the fact that your boyfriend is not his bio father.. Somewhere down the road an old friend or family memeber will let it slip and then where are you going to be? With a hurt, confused, resentful child.

    You yourself dont know what you want to do. One mintue you say you dont want him in the picture and the next you want to give him a chance to get to know his son.. Talk to your bio father, find out what he would do if he knows for a fact that yor baby is his child, the  take it from there.. What makes you feel that the bio dad will be a bad roll model?  He helped to make that baby he should support the child, letting him get off scot free you are harming your child.. 

    Any man can be a father, it takes a real man to be a Dad... At 10 months old, he is going to call any man dada.. by the time he get 3 and older, then worry.. until then you have 2 yrs to know if your bf is the right man for you and by then he should step up and marry you.. 

  • artistmom27
    February 1, 2013 at 2:21 PM

    *I just want answers not arguing*

    How is it a mistake or disrespectful for a child to decide that the man in their life, who is dedicating year upon years to them and loving them, isn't to be called dad? To me, a father is a male figure in a child's life who puts their entire being to raise the child, no matter if they are genetically linked.

    My DS calls my DF dad. I haven't hid that he has a bio-dad, but it hasn't come up either. When my son is 10 (he is 5 now), I will show him a picture of the man that helped bring him life. His bio dad isn't restricted from seeing him or even talking to him. We are in different states but he only calls once every 4-6 months for 5-10 minutes and 80% of it is arguing with me about reducing the child support. If my ex chooses to be involved, I will make arrangements for them to get to know eachother and bond, but that is only if he actually tries to be involved (I wont push).



    Quoting Basherte:

    I agree with you.


    Quoting MsGrayciesMommy:

    For me.. the biggest mistake you can make as a parent, and the biggest disrespect is to have your child call anyone else dad or mom. Especially just a boyfriend. If you want his dad involved great. If not, why does he need to call anyone dad?

    I wouldn't lie about that. At 10 months old though. I'm not sure what your little one understand and doesn't understand.



  • artistmom27
    February 1, 2013 at 2:45 PM


    While I disagree with those saying that your SO is not the dad and shouldn't be called Dad, I do agree that the child does need to know. When your child is old enough to understand, sit down with him and your SO and explain the situation that came to be. Have a picture of his bio-dad handy for him to see. He may even want to talk to the guy. You have to accept these are natural feelings. I wish you the best and don't worry you are not alone (I have a similar situation with my DF and my son).

    Quoting BLHSWH2012:

    Well, Thank you all for your advise. Me and Mark have made up our mind. Mark is his father, always will be. and there is NO doner. No Biological father, MARK IS. So there is No way Spencer will find out. (HOPEFULLY) So we feel that there is no need to contact any one. But thank you for all the advise.



  • Basherte
    February 1, 2013 at 7:40 PM

    Let me clarify what I mean by that.

    If the two aren't serious yet to get engaged or married or even just committing to the relationship in the very long term, I would have my child call that person by their name. I wouldn't want my child to have "too many" people he/she called daddy.

    Now if they are married/committe/engaged then, yeah I would have my child call that person daddy. or dad.

    I know that there are some that go dating after separation/divorce/breakup, and the first person or how ever many there are between that separation/divorce/breakup and the one that they want to spend the rest of their lives with.. those people shouldn't be called daddy/mommy. 

    I'm rambling now, so I'll shut up and hope that made my position on it clear. I apologize, I should have added all of this before you responded to what I said. I shouldn't have allowed room for misinterpretation or misunderstanding. 

    Thank you for asking instead of accusing or jumping down my throat.

    Let me add this: My cousin had a son to a woman. She was on drugs (stopped when she found out she was pregnant, and didn't do until she decided to do again, and then she stopped breast feeding the son... I only say that because it's the only thing she ever did right.) Court awarded custody of this boy to his bio dad. Bio dad is dating another woman at the time of the court hearing. The woman and my cousin both ask the judge what the child is to call this woman. The judge said "mom. you are the only mom he will probably know".

    bio mom ended up getting back into their lives. don't ask, I have no clue, and no understanding why anyone would allow that bitch back into my cousins' lives. She abused him physically. (the baby) and a bunch of other things. Was a dirty exotic dancer, meaning she took drugs and prostituted on the side. There is a lot more there that causes me to really not like this woman but I won't get into it. As far as I know the child (who is probably 18-20 years old now) still calls this woman his mother, even though she and his dad are divorced. Best thing this woman could have done was divorce my cousin. I love him to death, but he's not worthy of being with a woman. At least not at that time, it's possible he's change... k possible but maybe not probable.


    Anyway, had she only been his girlfriend I would have said no he should call her by her name. They were engaged, though. So she was going to be around for a long time. 

    Now this man has been in the picture since you were pregnant. This man should probably be called dad. If bio dad ever wants to get into the sceen work on it then. Til that happens... when your child is old enough to speak have that child call him dad. 

    Mark has more than proven that he wants to be with you and wants to be a big part of Spencer's life. Mark has earned the right to be called "Dad".

    Quoting artistmom27:

    *I just want answers not arguing*

    How is it a mistake or disrespectful for a child to decide that the man in their life, who is dedicating year upon years to them and loving them, isn't to be called dad? To me, a father is a male figure in a child's life who puts their entire being to raise the child, no matter if they are genetically linked.

    My DS calls my DF dad. I haven't hid that he has a bio-dad, but it hasn't come up either. When my son is 10 (he is 5 now), I will show him a picture of the man that helped bring him life. His bio dad isn't restricted from seeing him or even talking to him. We are in different states but he only calls once every 4-6 months for 5-10 minutes and 80% of it is arguing with me about reducing the child support. If my ex chooses to be involved, I will make arrangements for them to get to know eachother and bond, but that is only if he actually tries to be involved (I wont push).



    Quoting Basherte:

    I agree with you.


    Quoting MsGrayciesMommy:

    For me.. the biggest mistake you can make as a parent, and the biggest disrespect is to have your child call anyone else dad or mom. Especially just a boyfriend. If you want his dad involved great. If not, why does he need to call anyone dad?

    I wouldn't lie about that. At 10 months old though. I'm not sure what your little one understand and doesn't understand.




  • veganistic
    February 1, 2013 at 7:47 PM

    A father is the man who takes care of your child. When he is older - much older - maybe you can explain that he is not his biological father, but for all intents and purposes, Mark is his father. IMO. Do you plan to get married? Does Mark plan to be involved in your son's life even if you break up?

    Quoting BLHSWH2012:

    He is already calling my boyfriend Dada and I am sorry he is 10 months.. and His biological fathe risnt on the birth certificate but Mark wants to be, he wants to be his father and wants to be there for him, He has his own son who is 4 and I love him to death, so is it wrong for me to have another Father be his father.


  • DixieFlower
    February 1, 2013 at 8:27 PM

    I'd not lie but I'd also wait until he's old enough to understand what is going on fully.  Regardless of the fact that your boyfriend being a daddy to him the fact remains he still has a father. My nephew has been raised by my mother and myself since he was 5 months old. We always told him who his parents were. He saw pictures of them and knew their names. As he got older he began to call me mom and my husband dad. However, that was his choice. I'd feel awful if I had him call us that and never had told him about his parents.

  • BLHSWH2012
    February 1, 2013 at 9:45 PM

    Yes we plan on getting married, but when the time is right. Me and him have talked and he told me he will always be his father/daddy even if we break up, he had also told me he will always be there for hm and support him. 


    Quoting veganistic:

    A father is the man who takes care of your child. When he is older - much older - maybe you can explain that he is not his biological father, but for all intents and purposes, Mark is his father. IMO. Do you plan to get married? Does Mark plan to be involved in your son's life even if you break up?

    Quoting BLHSWH2012:

    He is already calling my boyfriend Dada and I am sorry he is 10 months.. and His biological fathe risnt on the birth certificate but Mark wants to be, he wants to be his father and wants to be there for him, He has his own son who is 4 and I love him to death, so is it wrong for me to have another Father be his father.




  • BLHSWH2012
    February 2, 2013 at 12:34 AM

    I do not have to do a dna test. If I say he isnt the father then as a mother I have the right to deny the test, there is no court ordered dna test from a man. I do not have to do the test


    Quoting splatz:

    Call your local DHS office or court house & see what they advise. I guarantee LYING on a legal document will not be their recommendation.

    Btw... If down the line baby daddy chose to pop into the picture & it is found out you lied on a legal document (knowing its not your bfs child & saying it is on the bc) & said that is not his child you can get into major trouble for that. 

    Quoting BLHSWH2012:

    Okay, So how would I go about contacting his biologiical father. Should I just pic up the phone and call him. or should I show up at his door step.


    Quoting GabeAiyAra:

    I went through this same thing. I was 4 months pregnant with my daughter when my man & i got together. Her dad didnt wana have nothin to do with her. i asked him "will this be a decision u regret for the rest of ur life?" he said yes. i told him to just try and be there. We had his rights all put on paper & everything. he has not seen her since Dec 22,2011. It has been over a year. I am giving up. AT least she will always know that mama tried. it wasnt nothing i could control and when she sees that, she will know we did a good thing for her by giving her a daddy who loves and cares for her like she is his own. she will always have that "why dont he love me or want me" thing bcuz of her biological dad. i will tell her when she is old enuf to understand it all. I will never lie to my daughter & I will never keep her from any of her biological dad's family. She is theirs too, whether he wants to be in her life or not! She stays with her gma & papa at least one weekend a month & has absolutely no contact with her biological dad.

    so, no, you shouldnt ever lie to your child. thats cause for them to resent or hate you. (grew up without a dad & was lied to about why) be honest. try with the other guy. you can always get supervised visits if trust or well being is an issue.

    wish you all the best! :)