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proudmommy208
mommy needing support ane advice
January 27, 2013 at 9:41 PM
Hello my name is Candice. I'm a proud mommy of three beautiful children. Im new here and was wondering if i could maybe get some advice.
My ten yr old is out of hand latley. Its getting hard physically, emotionaly, and mentaly to handle him anymore. I feel at my breaking point. Sometimes i even think to myself that it might be easier sending him to my moms to live. But im in fear that he would cause her stress. He doesn't want to listen. He does what he wants to. He talks and treats me like im dumb:(
He picks on his two youger sisters. Constantly argues wity my partner and i.
I feel like im stretching myself thin just to please him. While the rest of the family suffers. :(
Does anyone have any advice?

Replies

  • amazzonia
    January 30, 2013 at 5:09 PM

    Is he the middle one?

  • AmyL3469
    January 30, 2013 at 5:11 PM

    Stop trying to please him, start putting your foot down. Show him who the boss is, it sure as hell should not be him!

    I agree you shouldn't send him to your mom's, that sounds like a lot to deal with.

    Have you considered sending him to see a psychiatrist or someone? Asked his pedi what would be a good route to take?

  • angela84
    January 30, 2013 at 5:20 PM

    I haven't read all the responses so I'm not sure if someone else has recommended this, but if your child is out of hand, I would strip everything from his room (all the fun stuff), leaving only a bed and dresser. Some people go as far as to remove the door from the frame as well so he has no door. Then he can slowly earn back his luxuries when he behaves. This is just a thought, something I have heard of doing and would do if my child was acting up.

  • BPiccini
    January 30, 2013 at 5:38 PM

    I experienced some of this with my son and him and I started going to a therapist. He got to talk to him about anything without me getting upset. His issues were mostly at school but also just being difficult at home. The therapist did give him/us many tactics including ways for my son to "control" his teacher, basically reverse psychology because he felt like she picked on him. So we got a deck of cards and each morning he would pick a card and each suit had a chore. one would mean he had to say good morning very nicely to his teacher. One would mean he had to write her a letter thanking her for doing such a good job teaching, etc. this would get her on his good side and he felt better each day when the school day started off well. One tactic that worked really well. I gave him a journal and when he was upset, he had to go in his room and write in it, whatever he was feeling! I was NEVER allowed to read it and once he wrote on that page, he was not allowed to read it again either. It helped him get his anger out and feel better and helped me deal with him. Good luck!!!

  • SlapItHigh
    January 30, 2013 at 6:21 PM
    Are high fives related to spanking in your mind -- or did you not understand what slapithigh means ;) ?


    Quoting iamcafemom83:I find it ironic that "slapithigh" is against spanking.

    Quoting LiLsMaMa21:

    Yeah I'm not reading all that... blah blah blah. 


    Quoting SlapItHigh:

    Actually, that's not true.  You are ignoring science.  In the "real world" there is no one to spank you when you pick on other people and argue all the time (the things she says her son is doing).  Children are much smarter than you think and it doesn't take them long to realize that they can be bad as long as you aren't around to hit them.  "Whooping their little ass" doesn't teach them anything, at least not anything that you want to teach them.  It teaches them that they can hit other people when they want their way.  Good luck with that approach. Science has already shown us the harms it produces.  We can look around society and see the same. 

    In the real world, people act crazy and our society is full of selfish manipulative greedy folks who only care about what's in it for themselves.  No one whoops their little asses and they do whatever they want.  That's why we have such a sorry state in our culture.  Look at all the people running around screwing others over, making babies and then not being responsible for them, abuse and more.

    When we hit, punish and reward, we are teaching our children to act based on what they get or don't get out of a situation.  We are teaching them to become selfish.  These actions of spanking, punishing, etc are physically incapable of teaching any true lessons such as why it is wrong to pick on a sibling.  To put it another context, would "whooping someone's little ass" teach them math?  Of course not.  No one even considers "whooping" a child when they get their math problem wrong.  Yet we fool ourselves as parents into thinking it will teach them other lessons.  It will not.  

    We have to put in the real work of actually teaching our children and realizing that they won't get it right away.  We have to remove the obstacles that are in the way of their learning and begin to actually meet their needs.  We also need to educate ourselves on the brain development of children and change our expectations to meet the reality of the situation.  When we actually teach our young, we motivate them from the inside.  Internal motivation is the only thing that will lead to adults who actually want to do the right thing.  Because they know that no one else is standing over them waiting to whoop them if they don't.  They have to want to do the right thing from their own well formed conscience.

    Spanking results in a person who grows up to type the kinds of comments that you just typed below.....


    Quoting LiLsMaMa21:

    Bwahaha!! I say whoop his little ass. If I were to act like that when I was ten, my daddy would have gotten the belt out! People are so ridiculous with the coddling these days! kids are spoiled and will grow up thinking their actions have no real consequences so when they get out in the real world and find out it really DOESN'T revolve around them they shit their pants and run and hide back to mommy who still wipes their ass for them! 


    Quoting SlapItHigh:

    Sorry, but not all of us look at meeting our children's needs as "rewarding" them.  Rewards and punishments don't work --- opposite ends of the same stick.  Science has proven this. Science has shown us what motivates people and one of the main ways to motivate a person from within is autonomy.  A 9yo needs that.  You can keep ignoring their needs and trying to motivate them through punishments and rewards but it will never work.  That mentality needs to be ditched as all it results in is a world full of people who only care what they personally get out of their actions.  Meet the need, change the world!


    Quoting pegleg63:

    He may or not be enterying puberty but even if he is that is no exsuse for unacceptable behavior. I see no reason at all to reward bad behavior with more freedom either!


    Quoting SlapItHigh:

    Puberty. He needs love, support, affection, along with increased privacy and increased freedom. 







  • emarin77
    January 30, 2013 at 6:23 PM

    Could he see a therapist, social worker or psychologist?

  • lexxie28
    January 30, 2013 at 7:29 PM



    While I am not sure what is "wrong" with your child and am not here to judge how you chose to deal with the problems your family was facing, I think that recommending this extreme of a step for what appears to be normal pre adolescent behavior is wrong. I think it is wrong firstly because I think that demoralizing a child like that is wrong, secondly a solution that is extreme is not a one size fit all solution and thirdly I think that it is harmful to a child to put them on any type of antipsychotics period. A pre adolescent needs support and consistency. I agree with what SlaptHigh said completely. And while I am atheist I know that youth group or really any type of supportive environment outside of the family is a great start to helping ease the tension in OPs relationship with her son. Best of luck OP

    Quoting MissyLucas:

     okay I feel like I am reading the story of my life right now. My son is 10 almost 11 I was struggling so much and unwilling to let anyone help. I was to proud and I know that now. Seek a Therapist. Ours has helped so much. My son was disrupting our house so much and I was so stressed I couldn't even think straight much less go anywhere with him. DO NOT LET HIM PICK OUT HIS OWN PUNISHMENT!!! I can't stress that enough. We had to go to extremes with my son and we are just now coming out of the horrible parts. We actually had a family dinner with everyone and laughed for the first time in years. When he misbehaved we now take EVERYTHING except his bed(and covers) and a Bible away from him. He has to earn them back. If he doesn't help clean up after dinner he has a peanut butter sandwich the next night. We put him on medicine to help him control himself at school during the day (the teacher have notice a difference) He is put on a strict schedule. When he disrupts the house he is sent to his room for the night. My son was playing on our emotions when we would get angry and upset and try to get him to care and make him the center stage it was exactly what he wanted. This is all things that we learn from his Therapist. I know it is extreme but it is working.

    She also says do not reward for the things you expect him to do(ex- have manners, flush the toilet, behaving in school, clean up his own mess, and not hit his sisters) She explained it perfectly... She said "if someone hits you everyday then they stop for one day you wouldn't say hey thanks for not hitting me today you expect them not to hit you all the time" I think she made it sound better but I hope that you get the point.




  • im_2_xblessed
    January 30, 2013 at 8:12 PM
    Have you tried counseling ? Also if you haven't make some ground rules and the consequence of what would happen if does beak one .
    I wish you luck and if nothing else works tell him he is not now or well be in charge. He is the child and that he has to do his chores,do his homework, not pick on his sisters, ( that means not being abusive in any form).
    If he breaks the rules take away his electronics for a set period of time.
    He can be sent to his room with no electronics.
    I don't know what state you are in but in Texas all you are required to do is feed them and provide a bed with sheets and blankets. For my nephew who got like that my sister left his bed blankets and pillows in his room and removed everything else, as they are not required to be there...books, tv, game system,stuff like that are nice to have but not ness art to survive .....as his behavior improve so does what he gets back in his room.
    I wish you the best
    It took my nephew to get it through his head he's not in charge of the house,you,his sisters,your partner, or anything except him... So clean up the act or deal with what your behavior has caused to happen.
    Or if you think it would help you can order a few catalogs on military school.. That's what my sister did and told him since we can't control you and you refuse to behave We are considering sending you to ________ad they will be able to get you under control
    It scared him straight. He now is a A,B student has respect for her and treats his siblings with respect and doesn't act like a animal
  • kckmom3
    by kckmom3
    January 30, 2013 at 9:22 PM

     What state is that?

    Quoting MrsKish:

    i'm going through the same thing my 6 & 8yo boys

    they drive me nuts angry i can't find any punishment that works for them.  spanky has been outlawed in my state, time outs don't work. i'm thinking about making them write lines. 

    Quoting proudmommy208:

    Hello my name is Candice. I'm a proud mommy of three beautiful children. Im new here and was wondering if i could maybe get some advice.
    My ten yr old is out of hand latley. Its getting hard physically, emotionaly, and mentaly to handle him anymore. I feel at my breaking point. Sometimes i even think to myself that it might be easier sending him to my moms to live. But im in fear that he would cause her stress. He doesn't want to listen. He does what he wants to. He talks and treats me like im dumb:(
    He picks on his two youger sisters. Constantly argues wity my partner and i.
    I feel like im stretching myself thin just to please him. While the rest of the family suffers. :(
    Does anyone have any advice?


     

  • Lottie925
    January 30, 2013 at 9:25 PM

    Do you have health insurance? What about having him see a psychologist/counselor. They typically will have sessions with the family as well. 

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