proudmommy208
mommy needing support ane advice
January 27, 2013 at 9:41 PM
Hello my name is Candice. I'm a proud mommy of three beautiful children. Im new here and was wondering if i could maybe get some advice.
My ten yr old is out of hand latley. Its getting hard physically, emotionaly, and mentaly to handle him anymore. I feel at my breaking point. Sometimes i even think to myself that it might be easier sending him to my moms to live. But im in fear that he would cause her stress. He doesn't want to listen. He does what he wants to. He talks and treats me like im dumb:(
He picks on his two youger sisters. Constantly argues wity my partner and i.
I feel like im stretching myself thin just to please him. While the rest of the family suffers. :(
Does anyone have any advice?

Replies

  • Basherte
    February 1, 2013 at 6:47 AM


    Quoting SlapItHigh:



    Quoting Basherte:

    Do you have anything to back up your claims?  Because there are tons of studies showing otherwise.  Sure, entitlement by way of our over-materialistic society is an issue for many but that has nothing to do with punishments.  Has the OP given you reason to believe that she is entitling her son in such a way?  Or are just thinking that meeting a child's needs will make them entitled?  Are you one who believes that making a child happy is inherently wrong and that we must only aim to make them sad, even when it's us who has made a mistake?

    If you think that there is any significant number of kids who aren't being punished for so-called bad behavior, you're mistaken.  Almost every parent does this.  What you are thinking of is the parents who just don't parent -- they don't teach their child right from wrong.  They give them material items and send them on their way, all the while setting bad examples for being a human being.  But even the maority of those parents still get angry and punish from time to time, if not more often than that.  Can you provide any sort of reference for parents who don't punish?   I can.   The parents who truly don't punish are in the very teeny tiny minority and I network with these people on a regular basis, including face-to-face regular get togethers.  These are parents who have done the research and have thought logically by applying the science.  The children are taught right from wrong and given support for developing the internal motivation to work towards wanting to do the right things in life.  These children exhibit behavior that is significantly better than the average child.

    I would challenge you to think more about this and do some research.  Maybe you could try to explain how a punishment is going to teach a child and how they can develop good morals from such actions?

    Punishments come in a lot of forms. Not all physical. I punish my child when he does wrong. 

    I also am quick to praise him when he does the right things. Or accomplishes something that he has been working really hard to accomplish. 

    I don't physically punish my child,for a few reasons. I do tell him "no". 

    He gets time outs to calm down. My son is a very well behaved child. He strives to do the right things. To be social. Of course, my child isn't really the age group that I'm speaking about either. He's only 4. 

    I'm talking about the teens. The ones who have never been told no. If those are the minority then I apolgize. I have seen more and more lately. Quite a few that have no respect for themselves, no respect for anyone else. Speak however they want, while murdering the English language. Yes, I'm not perfect when it comes to my speech, or typed wording. I'm talking about people who speak like they never spoke English before but were raised speaking the language. 

    They disrespect everyone. Then expect to be treated with respect themselves.  


    I've been primarily thinking of non-physical punishments this entire time.  I've only spoke of spanking when someone else mentioned it to me.  I assume that most of us are talking about other forms of punishments such as time-outs, grounding, removal of "privileges",   Physical punishment is generally the least of my concern (with the exception of actual beatings which are less common).  All of these non-physical punishments have negative effects and are incapable of teaching a child right from wrong.  Can you explain how a time-out can teach a child that what he did was wrong?

    My youngest is nearly 4 but I have older children as well.  I will agree with you on telling children no.  Children should absolutely be told no.  When it comes to teens who have never been told no?  I would argue that such a teen doesn't exist.  A parent may eventually decide that it's too much work to tell her child no and that's a shame.  But that's likely ends up happening when a mother becomes frustrated at the fact that punishments and rewards do not work.  Our culture is failing not just children, but parents too.  Most of us have no idea how to teach our children, only how to punish.

    Rewards are also harmful.  There is mounting evidence of this and there was even a thread recently from someone at CafeMom.  Praising children does not result in the outcomes that we think it does.  For example, one study found that when children were verbally praised for sharing with others, they actually became less likely to share in the future, when no one was around to give them the verbal reward.  Moral of the story?  Praising teaches children to do behaviors so that they can get rewards -- it teaches them to become selfish.  When they realize no one is around to praise them, they have become LESS interested in sharing than they were before the praise started.  Well guess what?  We aren't going to be standing above our kids forever, in order to praise them into acting the way we want them to.  Pretty soon, they'll be teens off with their friends and then adults on their own.  Who will praise them to get them to behave then?  No one!  


    Praising works for my son.

    His progression continues. He still does the right thing even when I don't praise him. I won't go into specifics. Just know that for my son it works.

    I can only say what works and doesn't work for me. My son is autistic. I don't have any experience with an NT child at all. NT being neurolgically typical. My son is in preschool, three days a week. He is doing very well.

  • SlapItHigh
    February 1, 2013 at 8:45 AM



    Quoting Basherte:

    I've been primarily thinking of non-physical punishments this entire time.  I've only spoke of spanking when someone else mentioned it to me.  I assume that most of us are talking about other forms of punishments such as time-outs, grounding, removal of "privileges",   Physical punishment is generally the least of my concern (with the exception of actual beatings which are less common).  All of these non-physical punishments have negative effects and are incapable of teaching a child right from wrong.  Can you explain how a time-out can teach a child that what he did was wrong?

    My youngest is nearly 4 but I have older children as well.  I will agree with you on telling children no.  Children should absolutely be told no.  When it comes to teens who have never been told no?  I would argue that such a teen doesn't exist.  A parent may eventually decide that it's too much work to tell her child no and that's a shame.  But that's likely ends up happening when a mother becomes frustrated at the fact that punishments and rewards do not work.  Our culture is failing not just children, but parents too.  Most of us have no idea how to teach our children, only how to punish.

    Rewards are also harmful.  There is mounting evidence of this and there was even a thread recently from someone at CafeMom.  Praising children does not result in the outcomes that we think it does.  For example, one study found that when children were verbally praised for sharing with others, they actually became less likely to share in the future, when no one was around to give them the verbal reward.  Moral of the story?  Praising teaches children to do behaviors so that they can get rewards -- it teaches them to become selfish.  When they realize no one is around to praise them, they have become LESS interested in sharing than they were before the praise started.  Well guess what?  We aren't going to be standing above our kids forever, in order to praise them into acting the way we want them to.  Pretty soon, they'll be teens off with their friends and then adults on their own.  Who will praise them to get them to behave then?  No one!  


    Praising works for my son.

    His progression continues. He still does the right thing even when I don't praise him. I won't go into specifics. Just know that for my son it works.

    I can only say what works and doesn't work for me. My son is autistic. I don't have any experience with an NT child at all. NT being neurolgically typical. My son is in preschool, three days a week. He is doing very well.


    First let me say tha I'm sure you are a great mom and I am not attempting to tell you what to do with your son. My comments have only been in regard to your criticisms of my advice to the OP. if you feel you are doing everything perfect for your son then by all means, carry on. I have no doubt that the OP is a great mom too. I think it's totally awesome that she's opening herself up and looking for help because she cares about her son so much. I'm not going to be like the others and advise her to do all of the same that's not working for her already. 

    Regarding praise -- the fact that a child would do something even when you don't praise him doesn't mean anything because the child doesn't know if you are going to praise him until after he does it.  The study I mentioned looked at children through a two-way mirror and found that praise made the children less likely to share when no one was around. As long as an adult is there, the child knew there was the potential for praise and thus remained just as likely to share even if they didn't receive the praise. So unless you are watching your child through a two-way mirror, you wouldn't know if the praise was "working" when no one is around. Either way, I will say that praise certainly does "work" for some kids but working means their actions are influenced by outside behaviors and the motive is a selfish one. I'm assuming that most parents don't truly want that for their kids. 

    All praise isn't bad. It's good to be specific and let our children know when they've done something extroidinary. Such praise is done out of love, not the desire to change the child. 

  • Basherte
    February 1, 2013 at 9:05 AM


    Quoting SlapItHigh:



    Quoting Basherte:

    I've been primarily thinking of non-physical punishments this entire time.  I've only spoke of spanking when someone else mentioned it to me.  I assume that most of us are talking about other forms of punishments such as time-outs, grounding, removal of "privileges",   Physical punishment is generally the least of my concern (with the exception of actual beatings which are less common).  All of these non-physical punishments have negative effects and are incapable of teaching a child right from wrong.  Can you explain how a time-out can teach a child that what he did was wrong?

    My youngest is nearly 4 but I have older children as well.  I will agree with you on telling children no.  Children should absolutely be told no.  When it comes to teens who have never been told no?  I would argue that such a teen doesn't exist.  A parent may eventually decide that it's too much work to tell her child no and that's a shame.  But that's likely ends up happening when a mother becomes frustrated at the fact that punishments and rewards do not work.  Our culture is failing not just children, but parents too.  Most of us have no idea how to teach our children, only how to punish.

    Rewards are also harmful.  There is mounting evidence of this and there was even a thread recently from someone at CafeMom.  Praising children does not result in the outcomes that we think it does.  For example, one study found that when children were verbally praised for sharing with others, they actually became less likely to share in the future, when no one was around to give them the verbal reward.  Moral of the story?  Praising teaches children to do behaviors so that they can get rewards -- it teaches them to become selfish.  When they realize no one is around to praise them, they have become LESS interested in sharing than they were before the praise started.  Well guess what?  We aren't going to be standing above our kids forever, in order to praise them into acting the way we want them to.  Pretty soon, they'll be teens off with their friends and then adults on their own.  Who will praise them to get them to behave then?  No one!  


    Praising works for my son.

    His progression continues. He still does the right thing even when I don't praise him. I won't go into specifics. Just know that for my son it works.

    I can only say what works and doesn't work for me. My son is autistic. I don't have any experience with an NT child at all. NT being neurolgically typical. My son is in preschool, three days a week. He is doing very well.


    First let me say tha I'm sure you are a great mom and I am not attempting to tell you what to do with your son. My comments have only been in regard to your criticisms of my advice to the OP. if you feel you are doing everything perfect for your son then by all means, carry on. I have no doubt that the OP is a great mom too. I think it's totally awesome that she's opening herself up and looking for help because she cares about her son so much. I'm not going to be like the others and advise her to do all of the same that's not working for her already. 

    Regarding praise -- the fact that a child would do something even when you don't praise him doesn't mean anything because the child doesn't know if you are going to praise him until after he does it.  The study I mentioned looked at children through a two-way mirror and found that praise made the children less likely to share when no one was around. As long as an adult is there, the child knew there was the potential for praise and thus remained just as likely to share even if they didn't receive the praise. So unless you are watching your child through a two-way mirror, you wouldn't know if the praise was "working" when no one is around. Either way, I will say that praise certainly does "work" for some kids but working means their actions are influenced by outside behaviors and the motive is a selfish one. I'm assuming that most parents don't truly want that for their kids. 

    All praise isn't bad. It's good to be specific and let our children know when they've done something extroidinary. Such praise is done out of love, not the desire to change the child. 

    I was only using me and mine as an example. I knew that you weren't commenting on my ability to parent my child. 

    You're right, I don't want him to be selfish. 

    I don't know. I know that my son loves going to preschool, even though they push him. They 'encourage'/'force' him to do things that he may not want to do but is part of what he needs to do. Just like I do at home. 

    I just think that if someone is stretching or bending over backwards to please a child that they should probably stop doing that. No one else in the world is going to do that for an adult. Things are the way they are. 

    I don't want my son to be a sheep, but I do want him to be able to get along in this world. 

    okay, I'll have to wait for another response to finish this, my Dh had to interrupt my thought process a few times this morning. 

    Never fails. When he wants something the world needs to stop to take care of him. <I'm so not raising our son to be that way though. 

  • iluvmykids32012
    February 1, 2013 at 5:00 PM
    How about getting an asessment done on ur son. Take him to the doctor and see if there is anything mentally wrong. Have there been any changes in your lives that would cause him to act out? You dont have to stress, theres help out there for you and him. Itll all be better soon. :)