eevers55
Parental Judgement
January 19, 2013 at 1:56 PM

So I just read an article in the February issue of Parenting magazine about parents judging other parents on their parenting choices. There was an interesting statistic in there (one which I'm actually part of) that says 1 in 3 moms has lost a friend due to a judgy attitude. As I was sitting here, thankful for the statistical fact that I am not alone, I was wondering who here on cafemom has dealt with that experience (you are NOT alone)

I lost a friend of 5 years after she said that breastfeeding past 1yo was just plain disgusting and not letting a baby CIO was ignorant parenting. I didn't feel that I needed that sort of "support" and let her know that I disagreed and people are entitled to parent how they choose, as long as the baby isn't put in any life-threatening danger and they grow up happy. I haven't spoken to her in over a year and I'm fine with that.

That being said, I am a judgy parent. I think it goes hand-in-hand with becoming a parent. I read and researched various methods of raising my child and I chose the ones that worked best for me. Yes I'll think "wow...no wonder," when I see my SIL with her too chubby baby (IMO, of course) giving him another bottle because he's crying, so he must be hungry, even though he JUST ate. But will I say anything? Probably not. I may suggest other causes to his discomfort, but ni the end, it's HER choice and I constantly remind myself, how would I feel (and how I DID feel) for another parent to give me dirty looks or tell me how to BF or not BF my baby, co-sleep or let her CIO, rice cereal at 6m, baby food at 7m, no make your own, no do baby-led solids. So I let it be. Plus I can't afford the family rift it would cause.

Have any of you ever lost a friend due to your parenting style? Or because you were too judgmental of theirs?

Replies

  • Kris_PBG
    January 19, 2013 at 1:58 PM
    No - I haven't. My friends all parent pretty differently.
  • saltycoqui
    January 19, 2013 at 2:20 PM
    I think I might have. With this one parent who I knew only for a short time and I thought we were becoming friends. I stated exactly the point you are making in this post. Like I respect your decisions and you respect mine. I never heard her agree, she just looked at me and shook her head. To cut a long story short I also found out she was a user... liked to dominate people. We still say hello when I see her on the street but I don't stop to have a conversation.
    PS.. I don't have any real life friends to argue much with any way. I meet too many people who think they can use me. When they find out they can't... bye bye.

  • Janet
    by Janet
    January 19, 2013 at 3:03 PM
    No I haven't.
  • MamaMoopsie
    January 19, 2013 at 3:05 PM

    I haven't actually lost any friends, but certain friends and I have become a little distanced and see each other rarely due to parenting style conflicts. One friend in particular has two kids, a little boy who for the longest time was very mean, but has started mellowing out, and a little girl who will be sweet as can be to your face but as soon as you turn your back she smacks one of your kids. Well, we caught both of her kids in the act of bullying my kids while having a play date at her house. She laughed! My then 1 and 2 year old were in tears because the boy who is much older was holding my two year old back and his sister was hitting my 1 year old with stuffed animals in the face. She said kids had to learn to deal with their problems on their own. I disagreed. If the situation had been reversed and say my 8 year old had been smacking her kid in the face with stuffed animals I would have disciplined my child! So we really don't hang out anymore, but still talk occasionally.

  • MichelleMc
    January 19, 2013 at 3:43 PM

    I have a lot of different friends. We parent different. I don't have an issue usually. However...

    My issue is, if you are going to ask my opinion on a subject, then get upset if it didn't then line up with what you were thinking that is ridiculous. Um? I had a friend who usually knew where I would line up with things. You want to do things differently, I don't agree, but fine. But she would constantly ask me, well what do you think? How would you handle this? Can you believe someone would think this? Can you believe the school would get upset about this? Then when I would handle it differently, agree with someone else, agree that the school would be upset, etc. Then I was the "bad guy". It got to the point too where I started to feel like her mother more than friend. Like she always needed someone to constantly be her Devils Advocate & it got old. Like I constantly had to be her "other parent" like the "bad guy". Though her kids adored coming to my house and if my way was so bad ( I am strict, discliplined & don't allow the kids to run a household so I am "mean" in her eyes but the kids were always wanting to be around me, include me or go to my house ). 

    We are no longer friends, but it was my choice because I couldn't stand A. the differences. We were so extremely different. B. The lack of parenting on her part & C. the above. 

  • Mrs.Bolin
    January 19, 2013 at 4:26 PM

    No i have never lost a friend from that. We all respect each others choices and mind our own buisness. 

  • goddess99
    January 19, 2013 at 5:01 PM

    No I never lost a friend because of their parenting or mine.

  • emeraldangel2.0
    January 19, 2013 at 5:14 PM


    Quoting goddess99:

    No I never lost a friend because of their parenting or mine.


  • DixieFlower
    January 19, 2013 at 11:43 PM

    No I haven't however, my friends and I are pretty much with the same parenting style.

  • eevers55
    January 20, 2013 at 10:14 AM

    Wow...yeah...I don't look forward to when I'm in a situation where discipline styles differ. DH's sister disciplines horribly, IMO. She's one of those who does the action to stop the action. For instance, pinching her daughter because her daughter pinched and saying "See, it hurts, right? Don't pinch." I mean, I guess it works for her, but it takes all my effort to bite my tongue when I see it.
    I can't believe she would say that to you though. I mean, I agree that kids need to learn to work out their problems, but when they're like 6, 7, 8, etc and on their way to becomming young adults. And when the situation doesn't involve someone beating on them, especially when a parent is right there watching it happen. Plus the age difference. A 1 and 2 year old are still learning so much about playing with others, while older children should hopefully know better. I would have stopped the play dates as well.


    Quoting MamaMoopsie:

    I haven't actually lost any friends, but certain friends and I have become a little distanced and see each other rarely due to parenting style conflicts. One friend in particular has two kids, a little boy who for the longest time was very mean, but has started mellowing out, and a little girl who will be sweet as can be to your face but as soon as you turn your back she smacks one of your kids. Well, we caught both of her kids in the act of bullying my kids while having a play date at her house. She laughed! My then 1 and 2 year old were in tears because the boy who is much older was holding my two year old back and his sister was hitting my 1 year old with stuffed animals in the face. She said kids had to learn to deal with their problems on their own. I disagreed. If the situation had been reversed and say my 8 year old had been smacking her kid in the face with stuffed animals I would have disciplined my child! So we really don't hang out anymore, but still talk occasionally.