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Charliebaby79
Somebody please help me...I am desperate now. (sorry, kind of long)
January 1, 2013 at 2:48 AM

I am the mother of a 16yo DD and a 15yo DS. My DD was always a gifted child; she skipped a few grades, participated in the gifted and talented program and graduated high school early. I was so proud of her and she went off to college in Texas, our home where she lives with my mother, who teaches at the same university. I know she is on the right track and she will be fine.

My problem is my son. He suffers from severe mental illness and has since he was three. I've struggled with his problems for twelve years and tried to get him some help, but everywhere I went I met with slammed doors, slapped hands, and blistering criticism and judgment before and after hearing No over and over. My son wasn't violent at first, but he became violent over time. When he was younger, it was easy to pick him up and put him where I wanted him, easy to restrain him, easy to manage him...at least at first. At first, he just threw tantrums, but then he graduated to self-harming and then to harming others. Cutting, eating glass, hearing voices tell him to drink the cleaning supplies I kept in the kitchen and jump from the window on the second floor of the house. I locked up all dangerous substances before getting rid of them altogether. I had to hire a maid service to come out every week simply because I couldn't have any cleaning solution in the house at any time.

My son became extremely violent when he reached his teens. Without medication and no means to get help, I suffered silently with no hope of relief. Things reached a feverish pitch when my son turned on me in a fit of rage and beat me nearly to death almost two years ago. He went to jail, to juvenile detention, and then he was sent back home with me. This was the beginning of a nightmare, the stuff Lifetime movies are based on. I spent the next year trying to force a 6'2" 265 lb 15yo to take medication and often spent my time locked in my room while my son raged outside at the door, trying to kick it in and often slept with the dresser against the door just to keep him from coming in and killing me in my sleep.

My son hurt the dogs; one of the puppies died and the other suffered permanent brain damage. He destroyed my house, my furniture, my things. It got to the point where I couldn't reprimand, admonish or correct him without sending him into a rage. No school would accept him, forcing him to stay at home all day and because I couldn't leave him alone, I was forced to stay home as well. My son ran off teachers, caseworkers, my friends, boyfriends, anyone that threatened my attention to him. I lost jobs, had to quit school because of this. My son was everywhere I went and everywhere I turned and I was so miserable, I slipped into a deep depression. I could feel myself descending into lunacy and despair as I spent my days in bed--sleeping was the only way I could get a "break" from him--and spent my nights awake. I didn't get much sleep, for I had to stay awake to make sure he didn't try to kill me in my sleep.

I became so depressed I actually thought about taking my child's life, just to put him out of his misery and mine. I started to cry when I realized what I was thinking; how can a parent do such a thing? I went online and looked up some useful information and wrote down what I found. That very night, my son went off and started punching the wall in my room and when I tried to stop him, he turned and started punching me. I was able to get him out of my room and I crushed some Clonidine(R), a sedative, about 0.4mg, put it in a drink and gave it to him and he fell asleep. The very next day, I went to the courthouse and waited in the hall for the judge to come out of chambers. When she came out, I damn near pounced on her and quickly relayed my tale of woe. She moved heaven and earth for me and in three days I signed the papers and my son was removed from my house--not without injury to me.

When they took him to a group home, they searched his things and found a gun--I don't know where he got it; I don't keep guns in the house, not with a mentally ill child--in his backpack. I shudder to think what could have happened if I hadn't gone to the courthouse to get him out of the house.

Now as I look back at it all, I know I made the right decision; I hate that he had to go to jail to get treatment. I suffered serious debilitating injuries at the hands of my son. He destroyed everything around him and endangered himself and others. He needed help and is getting it now.

So why do I feel so crappy? Why do I feel like I threw him away? I know it's a little out of taste, but I wonder if  Adam Lanza's mother ever felt this way, helpless and hopeless? I wonder if there are other mothers out there like me, who suffer in silence because there is nowhere to turn?

I relinquished custody of my son to the state because I could no longer manage him at home. I could get no help for him and I told them he could not return home, ever. So he was sent to a group home. So why do I feel like I just buried my child? I literally feel as though my son is dead and I can't help but cry and wonder and think that maybe I shouldn't have given up on him. But I think about how he came so close to killing me and I know him being gone is for the best. Why do I feel like my decision was so selfish? Is it really selfish of me to want to be and feel safe in my own home? Why does it feel like I made a mistake?



Replies

  • madisonsma08
    January 1, 2013 at 2:54 AM
    Praying for you! I don't know what else to do or say other than I am sorry!
  • DaniandTom
    January 1, 2013 at 3:57 AM

    God I can't even begin to imagine how hard this has been on you! No one should have to go through that without help! I don't think may people would have done differently if faced with a similar situation. I can understand how you would feel that way. You've basically just said a final goodbye to all the hopes and dreams that parents have for their child(ren). You've been forced to give up on your son--something all  mothers swear they would never do but in your case, short of killing him, yourself or both, I don't see anything else you could have done. It wasn't selfish--it was self preservation. No one can fault you for that! And no, I do not think you made a mistake. I think the system failed you. He should never have been placed back in your home after he beat you up and his caseworkers should have found him the proper care. I doubt most parents would know where to start to try to find the right help for that kind of situation. It's a sad situation and my heart goes out to you but I just don't see how you could have handled things differently without help from the people who let you down in the first place. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. ♥Hugs♥

  • BettyBoop0124
    January 1, 2013 at 5:25 AM

    I will be praying for you and your child. I can't begin to understand why the system let you down.

    I am so that it did though, they should of helped you out instead of slamming doors in your face.

    My GOD give you peace though that you did the right thing though.

  • Pammi86
    by Pammi86
    January 1, 2013 at 11:23 AM

    I am praying for you and your son.

  • orngblsm
    January 1, 2013 at 12:12 PM

    You aren't being selfish.  You are being the best mother you can be and getting him the help that he needs.  Unfortunately, that means giving up custody to someone else.  It doesn't mean that you don't love or care about your son.  It means that you love him so much that you got him help before he could harm you or someone else.  I'm sure that Nancy Lanza did feel the way you do at times.  It is very disheartening to know that your child needs help and search high and low for it to no avail.  You are not alone.  There are many other parents with special needs kids who have had to do the same thing.  Try to find a counselor or support group, maybe one for survivors of domestic violence, and discuss your feelings.  Depression takes some time to recover from, and don't feel guilty or ashamed that you feel relieved that you are now safe.  I'm sorry that you were forced into such a difficult decision and wish you the best.hugs

  • goddess99
    January 1, 2013 at 1:48 PM

    You're not alone. hugs

  • MistressMinerva
    January 1, 2013 at 2:53 PM

    Praying for you. I'm sure in time maybe you could do visits.

  • Basherte
    January 2, 2013 at 7:49 AM

    I relinquished custody of my son to the state because I could no longer manage him at home. I could get no help for him and I told them he could not return home, ever. So he was sent to a group home. So why do I feel like I just buried my child? I literally feel as though my son is dead and I can't help but cry and wonder and think that maybe I shouldn't have given up on him. But I think about how he came so close to killing me and I know him being gone is for the best. Why do I feel like my decision was so selfish? Is it really selfish of me to want to be and feel safe in my own home? Why does it feel like I made a mistake?

    I think it's normal to feel guilty. Personally, I feel that you made the best decision not only for you, but for your son as well. I hope that he gets the help that he needs and can eventually be free of the home. 

    I hope that you can (at some point) forgive yourself for doing what you felt to be the right thing for your child and for your own safety.

    I can't imagine what you went through with your son. I really can't imagine how anyone could turn you away from giving you and your son the help that you needed. I'm sorry that it took him going to jail in order to get the help that he needs.


  • bahamamama61
    January 2, 2013 at 8:34 AM
    So sorry! You did what you had to do! You're both better off! Learn to forgive yourself! And you can always write him lots of letters! :) And Pray!
  • goldengirl23
    January 2, 2013 at 9:33 AM
    You and your son are in my prayers. It was obviously a difficult decision bu one that was best for both your son and you. The right decisions are not always the easiest especially when we have to demonstrate tough love. Be encouraged and be hopeful of the proper care your son will now get and the life you can now build.
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