I am a sahm of a 1 year old sweet little girl. My husband and I have been married a little over a year and a half. Since her arrival he has been pretty much absent and has resolved to drinking (alot). He has been to AA several times and has 2 OWIs.
Over the summer he had a drinking "episode" which caused me to leave for 2 weeks. I had left for the afternoon and came back to find him passed out on the living room floor and a bottle of vodka half empty. When he finally came to, he began looking for the keys to my car to go to his softball game. He does not have insurance for my car nor a valid license so I had hid the keys knowing this might happen. This is when $%*! hit the fan. He began slamming throwing and breaking things. He made threats. I should have called the police but I was taken so off guard and so scared I didn't know what to do besides lock myself in the car and call my dad. Long story short, my father ended up coming over with my brother to see me out. My husband had locked himself in the bedroom b/c he didn't have the guts to face my family.
Of course, an hour after I left he sent numerous texts begging me to come back blah blah blah. I finally did after 2 weeks. I know I shouldn't have and my pastor had warned not to go back unless he had a plan to change. My husband pretty much bull-s#%^tted his way through and now has made no changes. He is back to drinking every night. The communication is non existant. I am afraid to talk or bring something up or try and resolve ANY issue b/c when I do, he lashes out and says I'm the one who has issues and is mentally unstable.
Needless to say, I feel extremely lonely and like a huge piece of crap. Although I am married, I am left to care for my daughter because he does not help out and this is really starting to wear on me. I'm not sure what to do. I just feel pretty stuck.
Anyways, thanks for reading :)
by sbaedkeDecember 11, 2012 at 3:18 PM
Wow! I only wished I would have joined sooner. Thank you so much everyone for your words of wisdom, support and encouragement. :)
Well I'm 27 and I currently watch another boy my daughters age a few days per week which is about $480/month. Not enough to survive on my own. I am a LMT and a health coach but took time off when she was born. This spring I'd like to stop babysitting and start bodywork and health coaching again this spring.
About a month ago, I came across some "homework" of his while he was in the halfway house for his OWI. There was more info in there than I really needed to know and really scared me. That's when I decided I cannot stay. He basically admitted to "everytime I've been to jail my mom and grandma bail me out and all I get is a slap on the wrist".
He has already told me he won't go his entire life without drinking and that he has to want to change. AA doesn't work for him and it's a waste of time.... A few weekends ago he was drinking pretty heavily and was unbearable to be around. I almost left just to get away but I had already put LO down for bed. Since then he has smartened up. It's like he knows I want to leave so he's been "nice". I'm just waiting for the cycle to repeat and for him to go on another binge and be mean. You are right, I do feel guilty for wanting to leave when he is nice like this.
Fortunately, I am blessed with amazing parents who are 100% supportive. They may not like my decision of leaving, but they will support it. I just don't want to leave until I have steady income and some things paid down. (he racked up 2,000 on one of my credit cards without my knowledge).
I've gone back and forth in my head for so long now weighing the pros and cons of leaving or staying. I've come to the realization that I'd rather be single the rest of my life than be married to him forever. I'd like to think I deserve better than him and to be cherished and actually have someone help me raise a child.
I WANTED TO SAY THIS TOPIC ALWAYS GET ME UPSET. BECAUSE I REALLY HATE TO SEE WOMEN & CHILDREN GO THROUGH ANY TYPE OF ABUSE, A LOT PEOPLE WOULD NEVER GET DOMESTIC ABUSE. THE FRIST THING A PERSON THINK WHEN ABUSE COMES TO MIND SO DID HE HIT YOU? SOME PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND THERE ARE SO MANY LEVELS OF DOMESTIC ABUSE IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY. I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW IS TO HOLD ON & STAY STRONG I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH AND ALSO CAN FEEL YOUR PAIN. THE ONLY ADVICE I WILL GIVE YOU IS THAT YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE CHOICE WHAT WILL BE RIGHT & HEALTY FOR YOU AND YOUR BABY GIRL.. I WILL BE GOING BACK TO SCHOOL TO FINISH MY DEGREE IN DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SO I WILL BE ABLE TO HELP WOMEN & CHILDREN. I ALSO STARTED A WOMENS GROUP ON FACEBOOK CALLED THE CIRCLE OF LIFE (I had a vision one night about starting a diverse women's group for all women. Where we could come together as one in sisterhood , Talk about different topics and issues. No matter where you come from or the color of your skin we all have one common bond is that we are every woman.) I WILL INCULDE MY LINK IF YOU EVER WANT TO TALK OR VENT YOU CAN ALWAYS CONTACT ME THERE. I ONLY DO CAFEMOM EVERY ONCE IN WHILE. TAKE CARE
by A7X_FANATICDecember 11, 2012 at 9:12 PM
Im sorry that this is happening to you! See my situation is a bit different.. my baby daddy has never met his son, we broke up mutually as friends when i found out i was pregnant and he promised to be there but didnt show up to the hospital when i was labor and still hasnt come to see him.. He would rather smoke pot and mooch off others than spend any time with his son.. he also has a 2 yr old daughter with another girl who has met my son.. but he hasnt.. pretty sad.. but i live with my father who helps out alot but is very very VERBALLY abusive.. he will scream just to scream.. and yell about anything he can.. if i ignore him it pisses him off more.. when i tell him off i get kicked out with my son.. Anytime i stay home i become depressed and lonely.. and when im with friends all they make me do is watch their kids while they go party, or if they dont have kids try and party without me.. and if i finally get invited out with somebody i can never go cuz i have my son.. and even when my dad decides to be generous and watch him one night.. i get a whole bunch of quilt trips when i get home. i feel lonely too and i almost feel like i have nobody or nowhere to run to.. i have not had any real romantic contact in over a year.. and i miss being with someone.. I feel for u tho our situations are very different.. if i were you i would stay away from him and make him realize what he lost. you and that little girl deserve so much better than him.. He needs to get his drinking into check.. if that means call the cops on him and have it court ordered than so be it! Other wise if you stay any longer it will be mentally and emotionally harmful to both you and your daughter in the long run and he may end up lashing out violently at you both some day.. be careful and take care..
by tonipaffelDecember 11, 2012 at 9:34 PM
im sorry to hear what your going through, youd feel alot better if you just left him - sounds bad but your kids shouldn't see him treat you like that it only teaches them that thats ok and passes it on ..... you need to give him some sort of wake up call and really its not gunna hurt you its gunna make you stronger and show your daughter that thats NOT ok -
by terri.aDecember 12, 2012 at 12:50 AM
Sorry for you crappy situation. Can you depend on your family to help you bridge the gap if you leave him? I agree with the others that say you and DD need to be away from him. His behavior is unacceptable.
by VintageWifeDecember 12, 2012 at 1:51 AM
You need to get out for good.