I am a sahm of a 1 year old sweet little girl. My husband and I have been married a little over a year and a half. Since her arrival he has been pretty much absent and has resolved to drinking (alot). He has been to AA several times and has 2 OWIs.
Over the summer he had a drinking "episode" which caused me to leave for 2 weeks. I had left for the afternoon and came back to find him passed out on the living room floor and a bottle of vodka half empty. When he finally came to, he began looking for the keys to my car to go to his softball game. He does not have insurance for my car nor a valid license so I had hid the keys knowing this might happen. This is when $%*! hit the fan. He began slamming throwing and breaking things. He made threats. I should have called the police but I was taken so off guard and so scared I didn't know what to do besides lock myself in the car and call my dad. Long story short, my father ended up coming over with my brother to see me out. My husband had locked himself in the bedroom b/c he didn't have the guts to face my family.
Of course, an hour after I left he sent numerous texts begging me to come back blah blah blah. I finally did after 2 weeks. I know I shouldn't have and my pastor had warned not to go back unless he had a plan to change. My husband pretty much bull-s#%^tted his way through and now has made no changes. He is back to drinking every night. The communication is non existant. I am afraid to talk or bring something up or try and resolve ANY issue b/c when I do, he lashes out and says I'm the one who has issues and is mentally unstable.
Needless to say, I feel extremely lonely and like a huge piece of crap. Although I am married, I am left to care for my daughter because he does not help out and this is really starting to wear on me. I'm not sure what to do. I just feel pretty stuck.
Anyways, thanks for reading :)
Im sorry girl. I know the feeling well. My xh was a mental abuser and also used drugs and alcohol to hide from life and his actions.
The only kind of advice I can give you is to not waist 15 yrs like i did. Because time is something you can never get back. Your obviously a loyal and sweet gal. Otherwise you wouldnt have ever gone back. I believe he will not change. I say that because of my exsperience of hearing promises. I shouldve left yrs before i did. My only good thing I got out of that marriage was my lit boy. Even if i do have to see my xh and deal with him. I am stronger and smarter than I have ever been. I know you feel trapped. ANd i dont know your situation but your there because you chose to be. Think your daughter and how shes going to feel when she realizes that her father is a drunk and doesnt have time for her. Or her mother. I stayed because i thought i was doing good for my older boys. Only to have them tell me i was hurting them by satying with them, and hurting myself.
I give you this advice not to judge you. I give it to let you know the me and i am certainly more women have felt the way you do right now. And although life will be hard and a adjustment its so much more worth the struggle and change to have your life back.
I am here for you, This will be the last bit of cristism you will get from me. I can help you get thru times and pain of you would like. I really didnt havew anyone there for me because honestly everyone was tired of me enabling the unhealthy relationship. But I know first hand how hard it is to get up the strength to actually make a change.
good luck and message me anytime if you would like
by JanetDecember 10, 2012 at 8:02 PM
Welcome to the group! I'm Janet. I'm so sorry you are going through all this!
by SlapItHighDecember 10, 2012 at 11:08 PM
Welcome, sorry you are going through this. Do you have family and/or church for support?
December 10, 2012 at 11:10 PMI'm pretty sure, in your heart, you know what to do..
I've been through something very similiar and I was waiting for someone who have been through something just as extreme as me to tell me how things would get better..and you know, yeah people have problems but I was looking for someone that had very similiar to me and say that oh this changed and that changed and look at us now..I was looking for hope..and that never came..I stayed because I didn't want to be a single mom and plus I wasn't working and that had a lot to do with it. Me not being able to stand on my own..I just had gotten used to the mediocre lifestyle..neither one of us was happy and that really affected the children..and then one day he decided to leave..and I was glad he made that decision..now the timing was wrong because i was left with living at a relative with 2 kids..a 6 yr and 1 month old..and no job..and rebuilding..but at the end of the day it's been the best thing for my peace of mind..this all happen in January of 2012 and now we're at the end and me and kids are in our own place and working online from home..so I encourage you to be true to yourself..stay as positive as you can regarding you and your daughter and even him..because alchohalism is something else..sidebar: my mom just started aa a couple months ago..and I didn't even realize she had a problem..i just knew I didn't like her when she drank..and this has been over 12 years of the drinking..so an alcoholic is a totally different person without the drink..I'm witnessing this with my mom...until a person is ready and makes the decision to change for themselves, change doesn't happen and you will have to do what is best for yourself and child..be encouraged..and trust you are not alone.. :)
That sounds so frighteningly similar to my ex. Though he didn't have a drinking problem. I think he has some mental issues, I have always leaned towards bi-polar. Anyways...
Until he wants to change it won't happen. So you have to make the choice to tough it out in hopes he will or pack up and move on. He will continue to sweet talk long enough to keep you around. And continue to guilt you into coming back. Been there, done that. And every time I went back things got increasingly worse.
You need to do what is best for yourself and your child. The older she gets the more aware she will become of what is going on. Leaving my ex husband was the most scary and hard thing I have ever done. But looking back now I know I did what was right for myself and most importantly my child.
December 11, 2012 at 4:03 AM
Welcome to the group.
It sounds like you need a friend. I am glad to meet you here. It also sounds as if you need to have a tough love intervention with you husband. If you can go somewhere and stay, then, I would definitely recommend it. If you can't, then, you might have to get some help in removing him from your home. It's not getting better there. You said that yourself. You are not the bad one in this. He is. You have to stay strong in believing that you are not a bad person. I know that it's easy to buy into some of the crap he says, but do your best not to. I had an ex call me crazy and a horrible mom. I was devastated by his words and even questioned myself. Don't do that. You don't have to be "stuck" in any situation. In my own personal opinion, there should be no more discussion. You lay down your points. He needs rehab, counseling and the two of you need counseling together. It's not going to work unless the both of you do it. And on a real personal note, you yourself need to get some therapy. It's hard to be a mom, a woman and a survivor if you can't cope. My heart goes out to you right now and if you need a shoulder to cry on, please feel free to pm me.