Mom to Mom

I dont like my child
December 4, 2012 at 10:55 PM

I just cant take it anymore.  My son is 5 but not yet in Kindergarden because I know I would get called every day.  He hits me, says he hates me, wont listen, wont mind, throws things at me.  I try to play with him when I can but I have a newborn so I'm busy all the time.  My husband is at work all day, but helps out when he gets home.  Time outs is what usually starts the violence. I try charts, rewards, special time with me, but its hopeless.  He is so abusive to me, but noone has ever abused him.  I cant go visit friends because noone else likes him either.  I hate myself so much.  What kind of a mother am I?  I sometimes wish it were just  me and my husband and the baby.  I cant stop crying.  I've had him evaluated and they say he is just a little bit ADHD, but medication made him 10 times worse.  I cant go to a different Dr. Because the Oregon health plan only lets you see a specialist twice and he is the only one on the list anyway.  They dont care about kids, trust me.  I just cant take it anymore


  • grneyedormom
    December 5, 2012 at 8:14 AM
    I thought you said he had OHP??? That is insurance.

    Quoting laura45234:

    Thank you so much for your story!!  Maybe there is hope after all.  At least you werent a bad mom, thinking bad thoughts about your son.  I wish I could find help.   I live in Portland Oregon

  • goddess99
    December 5, 2012 at 9:03 AM

    Obviously you need to take him off the medicine or get it changed. If he erupts during the time out and the violence begins then you take him to the time out area, sit behind him with your arms around him in a bear hug way and sit like that until the time out is done. There will be fighting and screaming but if you do it right no one will get hurt, he'll just exhaust himself and hopefully in the process calm down. And you're right, charts, rewards, that stuff isn't going to work. You need to devote time working with your child so the behavior changes. As he enters school you and he will need a support staff, so you might want to call the school he'll be going to in the spring and get that set up.

    Been there, done that.

  • SlapItHigh
    December 5, 2012 at 9:12 AM

    Sorry you are having so much trouble mama! Try babywearing with the newborn so you have more time to play with your son. Playing is the main thing that kids need and it's also the main way that they learn.  He needs to have his feelings validated.  He needs empathy.  He needs someone to play with.  Punishments and rewards only cause problems.  We've known this for a while from science but even still, it's the mainstream way of parenting so it's no wonder these are the tools you have.  Ditch them -- they aren't working. Teach him through play.  Give him understanding.  Love him and love yourself.  Be gentle on yourself -- parenting is very hard and our culture sets us up for failure.  Try the book Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen.

  • MusherMaggie
    December 5, 2012 at 12:53 PM
    Bi-polar is another possibility. It is often mis-diagnosed as ADHD, particularly in get young children. This happened with my daughter, who was not properly diagnosed until she was a high school freshman. The medication is totally different for bi-polar. Cycling or even mixed hyper/angry behavior is apparent with bi-polar.
  • ashleywagoner
    December 5, 2012 at 12:57 PM
    Please don't give up on him...he needs you. Maybe he has a.disorder or could he just need more attention, patience, Really not judging, but have you thought he may need more GL mama!
  • motherof8babies
    December 5, 2012 at 1:17 PM

    I live in Oregon as well, PM with what city you're city in. I had the same fight with my now 14 year old. I know exactly how you feel and what you're going through

  • Sammi20
    by Sammi20
    December 5, 2012 at 1:22 PM

    I live in Oregon too. Where abouts are you?

    Sorry you are dealing with this! When he gets into school the stress level will hopefully go Way down! Keep with your time outs hun it will give you a little space from him when you two are getting too upset at each other! Have him in his or your room watching tv for a while with his toys. Close the door and take a little break. Does he take naps? Maybe a set routine where he gets a nap in the middle of the day will mellow him out. I hope everything gets better! Good luck!! Talk to me any time!

  • grneyedormom
    December 5, 2012 at 1:29 PM
    She's in Multnomah Cty ladies.

    Quoting motherof8babies:

    I live in Oregon as well, PM with what city you're city in. I had the same fight with my now 14 year old. I know exactly how you feel and what you're going through

    by JOEJULA
    December 5, 2012 at 6:41 PM

    Sounds like my daughter before I had her hospitalized at 6. She would be violent, hit her head on the wall, one time she told me she wanted to kill her self. It was devastating. You find yourself not wanting to bond with the child. It wasn't good for her or the family. Her psychiatrist told us she needed to be evaluated. IT SUCKED! She was diagnosed with bi polar disorder. She is not medicated, and a wonderful aspect to our family. If someone would have told me my child would be this wonderful I would have laughed. She is creative, bright, and always trying new things. She is still very hard on her self and a tad bit OCD. But hey I will take it. Being a parent is extremely hard and making decision like that is the hardest thing you will ever have to do for your child and your family. I got called a bad mother from my in laws and everything else. Its worth it in the end. Your children depend on you to make the best decisions for them. Even if it means making a decision you dont want to do.

  • SlapItHigh
    December 5, 2012 at 7:21 PM

    Also, do you think there is any chance you might have PPD?  I just hate to see you so down on yourself.  I can assure you that your son's behavior does NOT mean that you aren't an excellent mother!!!!  Some of us have had the challenge of raising some very VERY spirited children and others get easier kids, lol.  Plus, I stopped thinking of obedience in children as a sign of being a good parent a long time ago -- it's not!  You need love and support to -- all of us moms do!

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