Mom to Mom

shoud my lo see my ex?
December 4, 2012 at 11:46 AM

Okay, so i'm a 24 y/o single mom to a beautiful little boy who is almost three. he has and sadly never probably never will meet his biological father.

I started dating someone this April, and sadly only waited two months to let him meet my son (really wishing i'd waited longer now). We broke up last week, it was my call. He was very grumpy and controlling and I'm applying to get into our college's nursing program this January. I have a lot on my plate and I could not handle my ex's demands or demeanor.

However, when I told my lo that he would not be seeing my ex anymore he started to cry profusely and has since refused to go potty. (we were making great progress).

My ex had at first said he wasn't willing to visit my son unless i would date him again, but now he says he would be willing to see him. I've already caused so much damage and confusion for my son, would bringing this guy back into his life only make it worse? or would it be less traumatic to phase my ex out of his life slowly instead of so suddenly?


  • splatz
    by splatz
    December 6, 2012 at 2:27 AM
    Good luck mama! Sounds like you are on the right track.

    Quoting Mama_Gillogley:

    Yes, I feel like I've made the right decision. I told my ex yesterday that enough damage had been done and I was not going to put my son through anything else and prolong his misery. That and I just really have no desire to see him anymore, I'm enjoying my time with my son and my freedom to spend more time preparing for nursing school.

    Quoting splatz:

    I wouldn't. Especially with how you are describing your ex...
  • angirose
    December 6, 2012 at 5:07 PM

    I agree with all these ladies. Specially since he stated he would only see the child if you dated him again. My experience with controling ex's is to not give them any reasons to believe that you need them. You little guy will be hurt for awhile and change for them is always hard. But to look at the big picture if he treated you like this now how bad could it get later?? best to cut your losses now :0) ....

    good luck. Maybe if you have a close guy friend who could be around to fill the void that the ex filled for your son?? Or a brother??  Just a sudjestion??

  • Mama_Gillogley
    December 6, 2012 at 5:10 PM

    my younger brother lived with us for 7 months and then moved to another state- i think that may be making this whole transition even more difficult on my lo. My counselor suggested the big brother program, but I'm not sure on their age restrictions. My son isn't even three yet! I did have my dad watch my son yesterday but that just made him ask for "Dave and Scout" my ex's dad and dog. Like, screw grandpa and his cat! Where are the fun people? It made my dad feel awesome, he's on a low income and just doesn't have a lot of cool stuff like my ex's family. :( looking into the big brother program, good ideas angirose!

  • DixieFlower
    December 6, 2012 at 8:36 PM

    I would say it really depends on how the Ex is with your son. My nephew is 15 yrs old and there is a gentleman that my sister started dating after she'd had him. My mom had custody of my nephew when my sister and this gentleman ended up going their seperate ways. My nephew was 16 months old at the time. This gentlman asked my mom if it was okay for him to still come over and do things with my nephew.  My mom said sure. My nephew knows this man isn't his father. However, he does call him daddy. He has spent time with this man and with his extended family on many occassions. In our situation it was a good thing to to keep the ex involved with my nephew. I don't know your situation so I don't know if it would benefit your son or not. I'm just sharing a situation where it worked out great.

  • MamaBear2cubs
    December 6, 2012 at 8:39 PM

    I honestly wouldn't. What happens a few months from now when he starts dating other women and doesn't want to spend time with your little one anymore?He will go through this all over again.

  • Mama_Gillogley
    December 7, 2012 at 12:11 AM

    My ex went over to my dad's house last night- which kind of ticked me off. maybe it shouldn't have- but it's been an overwhelming day, i'm still trying to overcome PTSD issues and i'm finally making progress.

    My son has been throwing tantrums every day and asking for my ex every day. My ex has been manipulative and controlling- i'm scared he'd use seeing my son  as a leg up to try and "win me back". I mean, if he's willing to drive across town uninvited to my dad's house (he knows my dad is my best friend) to tell my dad the SAME thing he has been telling me ugh, i just don't need this extra drama. This man is constantly grumpy and negative and tells me how to wear my boots and that my favorite color (pink, duh) is a stupid little girl color, and that's not the beginning of it. He doesn't "like" me to go to church but i'm "allowed" and he doesn't "like" my friends but i'm "allowed" to talk to them "if i have to".  i don't care if he says nice things, i'd talked to him about how he made me feel every week for the past 6 months and he has not made any changes- he just says nice things. 

    it just sucks that i didn't protect my son's heart and now he's suffering because i wasn't careful. Really mad at myself for this one- definitely gonna try and LEARN from this mistake and make sure nobody meets my son until we've been dating for 6+ months.

    sorry to vent- thank you ladies for all of your support and ideas and opinions! It has honestly been really, really helpful. Thanks. :)

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