My new 14-year-oldI remember, so clearly, waking up super duper pregnant on October 10. It was midnight and my stomach was breakdancing and acting all kinds of crazy. Expectant mothers are ambushed by any number of gastrointestinal problems, so I laid there taking my licks, then waddled out to the kitchen for a glass of juice.
I was relieved when whatever was going on with my crotchety digestive tract finally eased up, and I stood in front of the open fridge like my mama told me not to do, guzzled down a cold drink, and headed back to my bedroom. As soon as I hit the doorway, the same cramp that had roused me from my sleep reared its ugly head again. Then, an epiphany: Oh. My. God., I panicked. I’m in labor.
This week marked the 14-year anniversary of that 16-hour long adventure in contractions, my mom’s Dukes of Hazzard stunt driving to get to the hospital and the birth of my only child, who’s the light of my life.
My daughter, Skylar, has been the biggest blessing I wasn’t expecting and honestly, wasn’t prepared for. Being a mom has also made me confront—and apologize for—what I put my own mama through when I was 14 myself (and 15 and 16 and 21 and 25…) But if there was one thing that would’ve made our relationship easier, it would’ve been a better transfer of knowledge and wisdom.
Logistically, she told me all the right things: how to clean house, how to keep myself up, how to respect my elders. But she was very secretive about who she was as a person: why she and my father broke up, what she was afraid of besides ticks and caterpillars, why she never became the cosmetologist she dreamed of being when she was a kid.
Sometimes we’re so guarded and protective of our failures and mistakes that we don’t pass the lessons we learned on to our daughters in a way they can receive them. That’s a pattern I have intentionally avoided with Skylar. Nothing is off limits for her to ask about me—sometimes to my frightful chagrin—not just as Mommy but as Janelle. Because it takes transparency to really help a daughter step fully into her personhood and avoid, or at least lessen the impact of, the foolishness we’ve waded through before them.
Here, with the help of input from my Facebook friends, are 14 things every mother should share with her daughter (hoping, of course, that mama first knows these for herself):
1. Her family history and the struggles and stories of the people who came before either one of them
2. Her flaws and her heartbreaks, as hurtful as they might be, because perfection isn’t realistic but disappointments are. They, however, aren’t the end of the world unless you let them be
3. Pride in being who she is, from her quirks and craziness to her most laudable qualities, and to never overinvest in her beauty without equally investing in her intelligence
4. How to understand her worth and use her voice. Power and self-confidence ebb and flow, sometimes up, sometimes down, but a person’s worth doesn’t budge
5. Respect for herself, for nature and for her elders
6. How to make choices and be prepared for the consequences, whatever they are, without blaming other people or beating up too badly on herself if things don’t go as planned
7. her family health history and the importance of taking care of herself physically, but also being holistic in her self-care: mental, spiritual, and emotional
8. How to forgive herself and other people because the burden of resentment and unchecked anger will make her miserable and unpleasant
9. The dreams that didn’t she didn’t realize. Not everything we aspire to is going to come to pass and there is mourning for those losses, just like anything else. But learning how to regroup and move on is essential
10. How to save money, handle credit, pay bills on time and appreciate everything you have, even if it’s not always enough
11. The fact that morals and manners may not be flashy or sexy, but they are the dividing factor between people with home training and people other folks can’t wait to leave
12. How to be prepared for the –isms: racism, sexism, classism Because at least one of them is always going to be a factor, in some way or another
13. The qualities to look for in a man worth marrying and the difference between a boo thang and a husband
14. The importance of family and friends that are like family, because you’re only going to have a limited number of people who are down for you no matter what
What important lessons did you learn from your mom?
by jltplk25October 13, 2012 at 7:28 PMI learned how to not treat my husband, how not to talk to my children, and that sometimes you alone are to blame for your situation.
My nana taught me to give my all in everything I tried, that I was worth loving and that I am important.
October 13, 2012 at 7:41 PM
I agree with all of that, only I think mothers should and do teach their sons all that too, not just their daughters, only 13 I would switch that to person instead of man. But I think we should all pay attention to how much wisdom we can pass on to our children. I really wish my parents had done less nagging and more heart to hearts, they always told me what they knew, but they never told me why.
From my mom I learned that when someone cries you don't have to understand why to show that you care. I learned that you can overcome adversity with strength of character and that nothing that is done to you seals your fate, that after tragedy or disaster you can still be the master of your own future. I learned how to have a sense of humor, especially when times seem bleak. I learned not to judge others on race or sexual orientation.
by DixieFlowerOctober 13, 2012 at 9:40 PM
I learned from my mom that labor is not something to fear. To listen to my body.
She taught me that just because someone is different than me it doesn't mean that they don't deserve to be treated with respect.
She taught me that love shouldn't hurt. That if it does, you swallow your pride and walk away.
by muzzyhOctober 13, 2012 at 11:40 PM
the best advice my mom ever gave me was when i started complaining about getting wrinkles. she said, "well, don't stand so close to the mirror." i can't think of anything i didn't learn from my mom!
October 14, 2012 at 3:55 AM
Very well said... Thank you for sharing Janelle.
by dolphin102October 14, 2012 at 10:27 AMWow, I would like to thank all the women for give me a very good idea how to talk to my daughter. Thank y, so much.
by SlapItHighOctober 15, 2012 at 1:58 AM
File this away for if I ever have a living daughter.