Mom to Mom

by Pammi86
October 2, 2012 at 2:10 PM

My dd is 16 months old and driving me crazy! I know she gets what no means but she does not care! I have tried everything and now find myself yelling a lot which does not help! She just ignores me! When I try to move her out of the situation she hits or bites and time outs mean nothing to her. I feel like I am at the end of my rope! I need advice ladies! I do not want to be that parent thats screaming all the time! : (


    October 4, 2012 at 1:56 AM
    When she starts to act out take a deep breath and try to calm down. Yelling, spanking and talking down to her will only make it worse. Remember she's a toddler. Toddlers test their limits. It's your job as her mother to stay calm and handle the situation the best way possible without causing long term damage. She may understand no, but not fully get why she can't do a certain thing. I have 4 kids and what's worked with all of them is positive reinforcement and consistency.
  • MunchiesMom324
    October 4, 2012 at 2:34 AM

    I get it.  Mine's 15m and by far more challenging than any of his brothers.  I have everything that can be locked, locked, and the things that cannot lock are his favorites.  He is going to have a scar where he busted his head open by trying to climb on the dining room table and chairs.  Once, I had just finished putting the crackers back in the cabinet (brothers had left it open) and I turned around and he's sitting on TOP of the stove. 

    Apparently, he grabs the oven door handle, puts his feet on the drawer under the oven, and leans back - to open the door.  Then he climbs onto it, and then onto the stove-top.  Awesome.  From the moment his eyes pop open in the morning until the blissfull first snore - he acts like he's on speed and his only mission is to make me crazy... and it's not fair to his brothers because I can't play with them without Jeremy getting into EVERYTHING. 

    I'm going to do the pack-n-play time out idea. 

  • Uzma_mom_of_2
    October 4, 2012 at 2:35 AM

    I wouldn't recommend spanking for this situation (I am not against it, just not in this situation). I only smacked a hand when she was in immediate danger.

    16 months is a trying time and the begining of the terrible 2's. Someone earlier mentioned a pack n play, and I agree with something like that.  Consistanty is key. Every single time, she needs to be punished. Even when you feel like just giving in, even when you just don't feel like caring.

    And if she hits and bites restrain her in a way that she can't. My mother in law loves to tell the story of how she literally sat on my husband once to restrain him from kicking and biting. (Not recommended if you are heavy though) 

    You're bigger, and are able to control your actions and emotions. She cannot.

  • GaleJ
    by GaleJ
    October 4, 2012 at 4:17 AM

    PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT GET INTO A WAR OF WILLS WITH A TODDLER! What she is going through is a normal phase and is important if she is to transition from infant to toddler/pre-schooler. That doesn't mean you should accept her unacceptable behavior but it is important that you understand why she is being difficult. Often at that age children are extremely frustrated because they lack the language they need to express what they are feeling as they try to control themselves and their environment. The best way to help her to do this in a way that is acceptable is to give her as much control as you can while at the same time always stressing to her that while what she feels is important and helping her to find appropriate ways to express it. Start by understanding that the best way to stop unacceptable behavior is to prevent it in the first place. Rather than wait for her to do something inappropriate and then punishing her, instead gently guide her to the behavior you would like. You know your child best so if you see that she isn't at her best for whatever reason you must step in and provide what she needs at that moment; sleep, food or drink, a distraction, a hug, etc. Try never to be in a position in which you must say no to her, instead always offer her at least two choices, both of which are acceptable to you. By giving her choices she feels in control of herself and is more likely to cooperate. This is not giving in to her, it is simply teaching her that cooperating will make both of you happier with the situation so it's a WIN-WIN! Whenever she does something inappropriate stop what you are doing, take her hands and get down at her level so you are eye to eye. Reassure her and ask her what she needs and then respond appropriately. If she isn't verbal enough yet for this then just hold her hands and offer reassurance and perhaps a suggestion such as saying why don't we stop (whatever she was doing before the inappropriate behavior) and have a snack now, or read a story, or have a cuddle, or go for a walk. Most of the time that is enough to stop the unacceptable behavior and to gently redirect her. This does work and it makes our relationship with our children so much more pleasant and non confrontational, my son is grown now but when he was little we almost never had any problems and we always were told how pleasant and well behaved he was. Please try this, be patient, and understand that she doesn't enjoy her meltdowns any more than do you.

  • ForeverInLove
    October 4, 2012 at 7:05 AM

    I find a flaw in this. Ever have a child that could escape a pack n play at 11 months old? LOL. Mine did! Let's just say, it SUCKED! She learned how to scale baby gates, play pens and cribs. She could do it in under a minute too, lol. 

    Also, not every room can be blocked off. Remember that :) I have an almost two year old who moves the chair in ym kitchen to get to the cat food (moved it to the damn freezer because she was constantly making a mess with it when it was on the floor). We can't block off our kitchen. We live in a trailer, plus the whole scale the gate deal. 

    We do what we need to though, for discipline. She's learning. She's stubborn, but I'm her mommy and her daddy is her daddy. His Native American name translates to Standing Elk because of his stubborness, LOL.

    OP,  pick something and be persistent! You can't try one form of discipline one day, and tray something else the next day. One day it can't be allowed, and the next day it's not. You must be persistent. 

    Quoting CLG122:

    I disagree with the other moms.  Spanking is NOT appropriate for a 16 month old.  Especially if she's been hitting.  Spanking will just reinforce that we hit when we don't like what someone's doing-- seriously.

    I would do this: set up a Pack N Play with NO TOYS in it.  Put it in a separate room from where you usually are, or an out-of-the-way spot where she won't be able to make eye contact with you.  EVERY SINGLE TIME she bites/hits/etc, you say "NO biting" and put her in that Pack N Play for 90 seconds.  Set a timer.  Do not talk to her or look at her during time out.  When time's up, you pick her up and say "no biting, okay?  Be a nice girl!" Smile and give her a hug.  She has to know that you will not tolerate the behavior, but that you forgive and still love her.

    16 month olds are tricky!

    You have to be consistent.  But you should definitely not use time-out or any other kind of punishment when she's just getting into things that you don't want her touching.  The answer for that is baby-proofing.  If you don't want her touching the DVD player, get a TV unit with doors and put a zip tie or cabinet lock on it.  (Ours has glass doors so we can use the remotes while the doors are locked.)  If she's getting into trouble in the kitchen, gate the whole room off.  At 16 months, she really is just exploring.  Even if it's making you crazy :) 

  • Beth3721
    October 4, 2012 at 7:34 AM

    You could try getting down to her level and telling her what she is doing wrong and then remove her from the situation.  Divert her attention away by bringing her to another room or starting a completely different activity.  If she won't follow rules then time outs are good. 

    We do time outs, but only until shes ready to come to me and apologize, which yours is probably a little to young to voice that.  But when she does come to apologize she has to say sorry and I will tell her what she needs to do to fix the situation. If she starts up again it's straight back to timeout.

  • niki0114
    October 4, 2012 at 7:35 AM
    Try to positive reenforcement. It worked beautifully with my son. I felt so bad always yelling at him for the bad stuff. Which is normally a cry for attention. Bored, play with me, whatever it might be. When he would do something good (playing nicely by himself, being nice, getting ready to bite or hit and not do it) I would praise him! Within a week he almost completely stopped biting and hitting. When he would do something bad I would removed him and get him interested in something else. 3 times and you are in time out. I found if I gave him that chance to make the right decision and help encourage it he would in the end. This is the age where they are starting to test boundries. They are good at it aren't they?! Lol
  • maureen813
    October 4, 2012 at 7:44 AM
    Quoting vinalex0581:

    start spanking her then.

    what else can you do? if time outs don't work, something has to.

    Are you kidding.? You would suggest that hitting a sixteen month old baby is a good alternative to raising her voice?
    October 4, 2012 at 7:50 AM

    Time out in a chair doesn't work then put the kid in time out in a playpen. My son hated time out in playpen but before you let the child out of time out you need to make sure they have calmed down and they have to say sorry. Also make sure they shake there head no they won't do it again. because it makes you feel sad. That's is always got my son he didn't want to make me sad.

  • jltplk25
    October 4, 2012 at 7:53 AM
    I never spanked either of my kids at that age. They have a "she did so I can too" mentality. Do be consistent which is easier said than done. I make lexi sit on a rug when she is in trouble. When she throws a tantrum, I ignore it (as long as she's safe). This age is difficult because they are trying to be independent but not fully sure what is going on.

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