If you're reading this, you might not have the perfect toddler. I mean, I
have the perfect toddler, but not everyone can. Ahem. You see, after
way too many stares from confused elderly diners at local restaurants, a
handful of "accidental" shoplifting incidents from the grocery store,
and approximately 34 shredded library books, I've finally got this
toddler behavior thing figured out.
It's simple, really. And I can't believe I didn't come up with these three amazing solutions
before now. I could have spared that nice lady on the plane a split ear
drum, and the UPS man might be willing to come back to my house without
fear of getting kicked in the balls. But that's all in the past.
Look no further! Follow these three steps and you'll be able to take your toddler anywhere without shame. Just like me.
1. Keep Shoving Food Into Them
Yep, whether it's in the back seat of the car, or at the outdoor kid
concert series, if you want any peace, shove a roll in that loud hole.
Once they're full, break out the candy bars. They'll never turn down
that stuff. Once they get sick of that, they'll be so strung out they
won't know where they are, and you can exit with minimal hitting and
2. Cash Prizes
My kids never got quite so into "The Quiet Game" until I started
offering cash to the winner. Now those two are so competitive, I'll
probably never hear from either of them ever again. Success!
3. Let Them Live Until 30
You see, the toddler stage doesn't last forever. And if you just keep
them alive until they hit their 30s, you'll see that this kind of
unacceptable public behavior will no longer occur! It's just like magic.