Mom to Mom

Custody issues
July 28, 2011 at 11:43 PM

Hey ladies. I have a lot going on and really need some major advice. First and formost, I was married to a guy in the military for almost 5 years and we got divorced because he cheated on me while I was in Florida taking our son to Disney world. We had a hard marriage and probably should have been divorced with in the first year of marriage, but we stuck it out for our son. Needless to say after time it got better after our son was born then skyrocketed down hard. I had a lot going on with my drug addict mother who put me through the mill all the time and we had no family with only few friends around us. So, we were around each other all the time. My ex husbands job was EXTREAMLY stressful ( Air Traffic Control, one of the top ten divorce/ suicide) and could not help it to take work home with him. We were both 21, he was new in the military, got married and pregnant rather quickly and did not have time to enjoy the great things young married people do. So, it all caused a divorce. I went through a major emotional roller coaster and many many breakdowns due to the obvious and the emotional abuse he caused. After coming home from taking my son to Disney we had sex as any normal couple do and as far as I knew everything was ok. Not to mention he told his mother weeks before we left for the trip that he wanted to start having more kids with me. We lay down to go to bed the next day and he lays on me that he wants a divorce. I was sad, but thought it was just another one of his threats because we got into a tiff right before bed, so I brushed it off and cried myself to bed (not an abnormal thing). The next day he came home from work and we had a serious talk and he still wanted the divorce. I pondered and pondered the idea of a divorce and could not figure out what happen from the time that I left and the time I came back. My cousin just so happen to come back with me to stay at our house for a month. Her and I were sitting on the couch and she popped off and said  " I think he's cheating on you" I replied "no way, he would NEVER do that, he would hit me before he would ever cheat". Low and behold after lots of investigation, I was 99% sure that he did the dirty. I confronted him, he tried to deny it and then finally he confessed. We went through the divorce and my son was almost 4 at the time. My ex got orders to OK just about 3 months beforethe decree was final. When he told me I had my own apartment and everything was going better. I lost it and thought there was no way that I could take care of my son by myself with out going to school and getting some type of degree or certificate, which I planned to do for some time. At first I was going to have sole custody of my son and then reality hit me and I knew that was impossible, so my ex and I made a verbal agreement that once I went through school and got on my feet that Skyler would be with me and I would gain sole custody over our son. My ex came to me with the revised decree and it stated that he would have sole custody and no where did it state that I would gain sole custody at a later date. My ex told me that the lawyer would not approve that on the decree because it had to have a straight answer, but my ex assured me that no matter what the decree says I should trust his word. So, I trusted him. It's now been over three years and I don't have custody of my son because my ex denies the agreement. I travel to OK every time I want to see him, I was there for his eye surgery that just took place, I purchase the things that he needs and some wants that he needs while he is with me. The only decent thing that my ex agreed to was he did not want to accept any child support from me, he had in the decree that I would pay half of all out of pocket medical costs. Now, my ex does not spend much time with our son, he whips him with a belt and our son says he loves his dad, but is afraid of him when he comes home from work. I have told my ex numourse times that I would not ask for any money at all if he would just let me have sole custody over our son. He always says he is taking care of things. My ex is remarried and between the two of them they have 5 kids, he plays video games all the time and my son never talks about going very many places or doing very many things. He always says that he watches TV or plays video games. I have tried talking to several lawyers and they tell me that I would have to basically prove that he is being neglected or abused in order to have a chance. Plus, I live with my finacee' and we temporarily reside with his mother while we save money to get a house instead of throwing money toward an apartment. So, there are several things that are against me right now if I attempted the whole court thing. I just don't know what to do. Its so hard and I'm scared to make a move because I don't want it to be the wrong one. Please any help or suggestions is needed.  BTW, sorry for the choppy writing I had so many things going through my head while writing this. Thanks so much for your time :0)


  • xxLukesMamaxx
    July 29, 2011 at 8:22 AM

    Wow that is a lot and I'm really sorry you're going through this. So did you finish school? You said that when you finished school and got back on your feet your ex would give you back full custody. The only advice I can give you is to take him to court and fight for your son. That is the only thing you can really do. You can explain to the court the verbal agreement that you guys had and since he didn't honor that agreement you are taking legal action. The only thing that is not in your favor is that you haven't been paying child support. I know that you said the only decent thing your ex did for you was not go after you for child support BUT I think that was a terrible move. Child support is how you show that you are taking care of your child. It's not money you are giving your ex, it's money you are giving your child. The court see's child support as your way of parenting your child while they are not in your custody and it doesn't look great if you don't pay it. Like I said your best bet is to get a lawyer and fight hard! I'm really sorry you are going through this. I couldn't imagine how painful this whole thing must be for  you. Don't give up!! Keep your head held high and fight hard! 

  • betsystipo
    July 29, 2011 at 8:29 AM

     I'm sorry I don't have any advice either really.  Get a good lawyer and fight w/ all your heart and soul!

  • lenoxclan
    July 29, 2011 at 9:11 AM

    HUGS momma, I am sorry you are going through this..But, if you signed paperwork giving him sole custody(whether or not there was a verbal agreement that it was temp)it doesn't look good on you.. If you can not prove he is being mistreated, I don't know what you can do...

    I hope it all works out for you

  • websorceress
    July 30, 2011 at 2:54 AM

    Adoption are turned around, after signing papers, you do have a right to fight for custody........every parent does........if your seeking a lawyer through the system because they are cheaper, you would have better luck not doing that.........also, seek out a women lawyer, they tend to be more compassionate when it comes to this type of stuff.......keep the meantime, do everything you can to help support your child, financially and emotionally.........good luck!

    BTW don't EVER trust a man your divorcing...........ever

  • mommyluvskyler
    July 30, 2011 at 7:27 PM

    Thank you ladies, I agree with you websorcereress!! When everything happen I didn't know what to do I was young, scared and had absolutely no family to help me out. The only person that I had was my fiancee' that was my friend at the time and that even scared me because I didn't know who to trust. I plan to get a lawyer in the future, but right now I don't have the money to do so. Plus, it's going to look bad in a court that I don't have my own place. I have way to many bills right now to even attempt that one. At this time in my life I'm trying to save as much money as possible and get out on our own and get married. I know also that it looks bad that I'm not married, but I have no other choice I can't live on my own. I know I'm in a hard spot right now and its so hard to live a normal life each day with out my son in my life. I look back at the time that everything happen with the divorce and all and I wish I had taken custody at that time (which he was not going to fight me for) but I was scared for my son and I only wanted the very best for him and I felt at that time that him going with his dad would be. I feel almost like I gave up on him, but I really didn't I only made a decision that a mother that loved her son would. My ex from the very beginning did me so wrong and I know I should not have trusted him, but I did because my brain was so clouded at the time. I'm trying to do what is best now, I just feel like I'm running out of time and I feel like my depression about my son is just plummeting. I appreciate all of the support ladies, I really do. If anyone reading this knows of a really goof lawyer or someone that can help me with very little money, please that would be great.

  • BeachMommy07
    July 30, 2011 at 9:03 PM

    Can you contact free legal aid? You need some seroius input here. Is this in writing the full custody agreement?

  • mommyluvskyler
    July 31, 2011 at 12:43 AM

    Well now its 50/50 however he has sole. I know I need help with this bad. No, I make to much money to get legal aid, but I don't know how they figure that because I'm having a real hard time making all my bills. I just have to be patient I guess, that is really the only thing I can do with out having a large amount of money to fight him. He is such a jerk too. I tried telling him in a message via text how hard this is for me and I told him that I bought my car just a little over a year ago with only 45,000 miles and now I have over 85,000 miles because of all the miles that I drive to see my son and all he had to say was that was a lot. Then, I asked him if he knows how Skyler feels about the whole thing and he never did reply back. He totally took advantage of my low point of the divorce. He tried to make it look as if he was being honest and being there for me and he knew exactly what he was doing. All I can do at this point is prey and I do all the time, but I think I'm starting to lose the strength. I'm trying though and will continue trying. Thank  you again ladies for all your input. I hope and pray that no one ever goes through what I have experienced.

  • BeachMommy07
    August 1, 2011 at 8:03 AM

     Do you have family/relatives to help you?

  • mommyluvskyler
    August 1, 2011 at 10:23 AM

    No mam. I never had my biological father in the picture from day one and mom never went after him for child support. My mom is on disability and aunts/uncles/grandparents are in their own world. I don't come from a very great family background, but I made a promise to myself that I would not turn out like them and I've done a really great job at keeping that. The only thing that happen to me in my life is the custody issue with my son (which happens to mean the most to me) but I was lost, scared and very confused when it all happen. I had no one to turn to, other than the ones that I thought might be able to semi be there. I was married for almost 5 years and when I decided to trust my ex even after he had cheated on me I thought to myself at least I know my son will be taken care because my ex is in the military and his family is great. I knew that if he was with me and the shape that I was in at the time, he would not be good with me. I was never a bad mom, or on drugs, never in jail, but my emotions were just to crazy. Plus, I worked from 7am to about 4 or 5 then went to night school for dental assisting. There was no way I could do it alone and my fiancee' (which was my friend at the time) he was there to help, but I did not have enough trust for him to open the opportunity for help from him. Its been a tough road for me ever since I was a child, but I'm only trying to make the best of my life for my son and I. I think I've done a darn good job so far without help from many people. Sorry, I know this is long again, but I have a lot that just tends to come out. Thanks beachmommy07 for listing and all the others that have been there. Please just pray if you will.

  • usmclife58
    August 2, 2011 at 11:27 AM

    Good luck!

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