You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
You child throws up, and you catch it.
You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.
You mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.
You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.
You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.
You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons, while your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
You hate the thought of his wife even more.