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WifeyC
"I'm going to kill myself"
by WifeyC
April 24 at 11:17 AM

BM lost custody of SS's 3 years ago due to her drinking.  For the last 3 years it has been hell having to deal with her and the way she treats the kids is disgusting.  Last summer she got 2 Dui's in 2 weeks - 1 for drugs and 1 for alocohol.  She is currently serving weekend jail to fill a 30 day sentence.

She has rarely paid for any of the extras in the last 3 years and has always gotten bitchy and said "take me to court. You won't see a dime".  She's also behind in CS.  Well, DH is sick of her shit and said ok, we'll go to court.  He has been emailing her to get her to pay off the balance and she agreed to send $50 every 2 weeks.  That never happened.  Monday he emailed her and told her she has 30 days to get it paid or he is filing contempt and also having CS reviewed.

Apparently she freaked out and is now telling her family that with all the stress she's under (legal problems, drinking and her DH is the ultimate controlling and abusive dickhead) she's going to kill herself.  If DH files contempt then she automatically loses her permit and could possibly have to spend her 3 years of probation in jail.

DH got a phone call from her brother yesterday asking him to back off BM.  He doesn't care if BM kills herself, but all this stress she's putting on their Grandmother (both parents dead) is starting to affect her health.  Her brother was at her house yesterday because of her suicide threats and told her that she has until Friday to get her DH out of that house or he is calling CPS (for the millionth time and they currently have an open case) and will take custody of her 2 kids with SF.

So, should a parent let the other parent off the hook because they are crying suicide....AGAIN?  She's been doing it for at least 4 years.

Replies

  • Birdseed
    April 24 at 11:26 AM

    No.  If she says things like that, her friends/family need to call 911 and have her admitted against her will due to her threats to harm herself.  I'm serious.  Someone needs to call her bluff.  Rarely does someone who REALLY plans to harm themself talk about it like that.  It's attention seeking and manipulative. 

    DH gave her 30 days this Monday.  There's no need to have any additional contact so he can effectively respect his ex BIL''s request while pushing forward.  She's got 25 more days to get her shit together.

  • jlg12678
    April 24 at 11:28 AM

    If you let her off the hook will that be what it takes to finally get her to want to change/improve her situation?

    I think we both know the answer to that, so I'm going to go with no. Bm has been playing the victim for quite some time.  Her life is a mess and while I get that her drinking is an issue there comes a point when one has to get out of victim mentality and start owning their choices/actions.

    And I would call 911 each and every time she threatens to kill herself. She may eventually get committed and have no choice but to clean up.

  • WifeyC
    by WifeyC
    April 24 at 11:30 AM

    I agree and DH told her brother that too. Stop talking. Do something or shut up. The suicide threats are never to DH, so I don't think he can be the one to call because she can just deny it.

    I feel bad for her Grandmother, my children and I love her dearly, but at what point does everyone stop listening to BM?!

    Quoting Birdseed:

    No.  If she says things like that, her friends/family need to call 911 and have her admitted against her will due to her threats to harm herself.  I'm serious.  Someone needs to call her bluff.  Rarely does someone who REALLY plans to harm themself talk about it like that.  It's attention seeking and manipulative. 

    DH gave her 30 days this Monday.  There's no need to have any additional contact so he can effectively respect his ex BIL''s request while pushing forward.  She's got 25 more days to get her shit together.


  • WifeyC
    by WifeyC
    April 24 at 11:33 AM

    I don't think DH can call since he doesn't hear it.  If she ever says it to him or the kids he will.

    Her brother, bailing her out again, asked if he pays what she owes if DH will leave BM alone.  Um. Yeah. DH told him that he hopes to never have a conversation at all and the fact that he has to over things she should be doing anyway pisses him off.  

    SS is supposed to be going over there tomorrow.  I'm not so sure that is actually going to happen now.

    Quoting jlg12678:

    If you let her off the hook will that be what it takes to finally get her to want to change/improve her situation? I think we both know the answer to that, so I'm going to go with no. Bm has been playing the victim for quite some time.  Her life is a mess and while I get that her drinking is an issue there comes a point when one has to get out of victim mentality and start owning their choices/actions.

    And I would call 911 each and every time she threatens to kill herself. She may eventually get committed and have no choice but to clean up.


  • Derdriu
    by Derdriu
    April 24 at 11:35 AM

    No.  Letting her off the hook enables her to continue using the threat of suicide as emotional blackmail against her grandmother and other family.  I'd say it's better that your DH play the role of bad guy and fall out of Grandma's good graces than to let BM slide.  She needs to be accountable.  Four years is long enough to play along.

  • jlg12678
    April 24 at 11:36 AM

    Does her family rescue her quite often? 

    How are the boys doing with everything?

    Quoting WifeyC:

    I don't think DH can call since he doesn't hear it.  If she ever says it to him or the kids he will.

    Her brother, bailing her out again, asked if he pays what she owes if DH will leave BM alone.  Um. Yeah. DH told him that he hopes to never have a conversation at all and the fact that he has to over things she should be doing anyway pisses him off.  

    SS is supposed to be going over there tomorrow.  I'm not so sure that is actually going to happen now.

    Quoting jlg12678:

    If you let her off the hook will that be what it takes to finally get her to want to change/improve her situation? I think we both know the answer to that, so I'm going to go with no. Bm has been playing the victim for quite some time.  Her life is a mess and while I get that her drinking is an issue there comes a point when one has to get out of victim mentality and start owning their choices/actions.

    And I would call 911 each and every time she threatens to kill herself. She may eventually get committed and have no choice but to clean up.

     

     

  • ladybugchick317
    April 24 at 11:41 AM

     Not your dh problem if she is screaming suicide. Take her to court. If she was going to do it she would not be telling everyone.She would do it. But as far as the brother goes, he should just get bm and her dh out of the house and not be calling your dh to tell him to back off. Why should she not have to still be responsible for her kids just because she doesn't feel like it?

  • WifeyC
    by WifeyC
    April 24 at 11:41 AM

    Yep.  Her brother controls a trust from when their Dad died.  She's not allowed to control the money herself until SF is gone.  Her brother has to give her what she needs if it's for the kids.  She's always asking for money "for the kids" but then they remodeled the basement.  A few months ago she got the exact amount she owes DH from her brother, and then never gave it to DH.  Her brother bailed her out of jail for her first DUI but refused for the 2nd because she had kids with her.  Her grandmother was driving BM to/from work and jail for 2 weeks until she got her permit because SF wouldn't do it.

    Then in their next breath they say let her fall and they are done with her.  She's family, I know it's hard.

    Oldest SS has no relationship with her. He talks to her on the phone at a minimum and it's only so he can talk to his brother and sister that he misses but isn't allowed to see.  Youngest SS is getting better with dealing with it, but he never really sees what's happening. She saves that for everyone else.

    Quoting jlg12678:

    Does her family rescue her quite often?  How are the boys doing with everything?

    Quoting WifeyC:

    I don't think DH can call since he doesn't hear it.  If she ever says it to him or the kids he will.

    Her brother, bailing her out again, asked if he pays what she owes if DH will leave BM alone.  Um. Yeah. DH told him that he hopes to never have a conversation at all and the fact that he has to over things she should be doing anyway pisses him off.  

    SS is supposed to be going over there tomorrow.  I'm not so sure that is actually going to happen now.

    Quoting jlg12678:

    If you let her off the hook will that be what it takes to finally get her to want to change/improve her situation? I think we both know the answer to that, so I'm going to go with no. Bm has been playing the victim for quite some time.  Her life is a mess and while I get that her drinking is an issue there comes a point when one has to get out of victim mentality and start owning their choices/actions.

    And I would call 911 each and every time she threatens to kill herself. She may eventually get committed and have no choice but to clean up.




  • jules2boys
    April 24 at 11:47 AM

    Ok, maybe in 'back off' your DH could just not say anything else to BM about it for these 30 days he's given her.  Then IF she gets get her DH out of the house and makes a proactive attempt to get herself help, he can back off longer.  If she doesn't get her DH out, and her family calls CPS on her situation at home, then (if I understand this right) her brother will take custody of her kids with her current DH and she'll be alone with her DH, or he'll be removed by CPS (how would her family calling CPS work? What are they hoping to accomplish there?  Getting HER away from him or the kids away from him?) 

    Does her family even acknowledge/know of her drug/alcohol use? 

    Maybe DH could give her 45 days (but not tell her that) instead of 30, to get her stuff together but, if there is NO progress afte the 30 days, he could go ahead and file what he's going to? 

    Mostly I agree with the other ladies, he's held her accountable all this time and she's failed, so why bother 'backing off' yet again?    Or, is your DH only interested in the money owed by her and if her brother pays her arrears then your DH will drop it?  I'm unclear about that part (sorry). 

  • jlg12678
    April 24 at 11:53 AM

    It sounds like her family needs to drop the reigns...directly pay rent, purchase food, pay utilities or whatever from the trust but that is it.  They are not helping her if they are bailing her out but I know you already know that and it's not like you can make that change. Has to be pretty damn frustrating.

    I hope she cleans up her act before it's too late with her kids.

    Quoting WifeyC:

    Yep.  Her brother controls a trust from when their Dad died.  She's not allowed to control the money herself until SF is gone.  Her brother has to give her what she needs if it's for the kids.  She's always asking for money "for the kids" but then they remodeled the basement.  A few months ago she got the exact amount she owes DH from her brother, and then never gave it to DH.  Her brother bailed her out of jail for her first DUI but refused for the 2nd because she had kids with her.  Her grandmother was driving BM to/from work and jail for 2 weeks until she got her permit because SF wouldn't do it.

    Then in their next breath they say let her fall and they are done with her.  She's family, I know it's hard.

    Oldest SS has no relationship with her. He talks to her on the phone at a minimum and it's only so he can talk to his brother and sister that he misses but isn't allowed to see.  Youngest SS is getting better with dealing with it, but he never really sees what's happening. She saves that for everyone else.

    Quoting jlg12678:

    Does her family rescue her quite often?  How are the boys doing with everything?

    Quoting WifeyC:

    I don't think DH can call since he doesn't hear it.  If she ever says it to him or the kids he will.

    Her brother, bailing her out again, asked if he pays what she owes if DH will leave BM alone.  Um. Yeah. DH told him that he hopes to never have a conversation at all and the fact that he has to over things she should be doing anyway pisses him off.  

    SS is supposed to be going over there tomorrow.  I'm not so sure that is actually going to happen now.

    Quoting jlg12678:

    If you let her off the hook will that be what it takes to finally get her to want to change/improve her situation? I think we both know the answer to that, so I'm going to go with no. Bm has been playing the victim for quite some time.  Her life is a mess and while I get that her drinking is an issue there comes a point when one has to get out of victim mentality and start owning their choices/actions.

    And I would call 911 each and every time she threatens to kill herself. She may eventually get committed and have no choice but to clean up.

     

     

     

     

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