Stepmom Central

Featured Posts
Polkadotted
How do you raise girls that aren't needy?
April 23 at 8:22 PM

So what's the way to go?  Is it a problem because we solve their problems and artificically inflate their self esteem?  Is it just parents that aren't involved?  an attachment thing?


OSD is naturally a people pleaser.  I worry about her sometimes, but I don't think she's needy.  at least not to that level.

Replies

  • Tigress22304
    April 23 at 8:29 PM

    I tell SD12 to pull up her underoos and just DEAL

    whatever the situation is-she needs to figure out the way to handle things

    Bm is totally hands off-DH wants to overcrowd.

    If she came to me and asked for my opinion-I'd give it but I do expect her to figure shit out on her own.

  • momof2ex1
    April 23 at 8:41 PM
    I think (as a mom to a young teen) that needy starts very early on. I've almost got the needy beat out of her. I've made a lot of mistakes. I admit. I coddled, I rescued, I made excuses, I felt guilt, you name it. Some will read this and think 'wow what an unfit mother'. I just didn't know how to be a parent at 20 years old. At 23 I thought I was doing my best but I was setting a bad path for the way my daughter would behave later down the road. She had only child syndrome from the very beginning. She was the only girl - first granddaughter to live within miles of the grandparents. First granddaughter for one side of the family. The baby girl of the family. The first niece for several. She was just everyone's little princess. I see the differences between my kids - dd I stayed home with for the first five years. Ds I never stayed home with. At 6 my son is pretty independent. At 6, my daughter could have still been breastfeeding if she was a breast fed baby lol

    In the last two years I've had to make a very stern effort to force her to become independent. I've had to pretty much throw her to the wolves in many aspects. I had to stop the coddling. And I had to pull on my own big girl panties and stop worrying about her so much. Kind of had to take a step back and allow her to fall off the cliff a few times.

    I don't know HOW to describe what you are supposed to do ... But I read a book and honestly will have to go pull it out to tell you the name. It's about raising daughters. It really helped me to kind of get to that point of turning my back on her (that sounds bad but literally - stop doing for her) raising my expectations and demanding she become responsible for herself. I think it has worked. She's doing pretty well. I really don't have a lot of complaints (at the moment). She is very moody when she is PMSing. I also don't allow her to use that as an excuse either. She still has to be civil even when her insides are ripping apart. I also find it a challenge when she hurts so much from her father / but I know in the end it will have been worth it.
  • bothsidesofcoin
    April 23 at 8:42 PM
    Self-esteem, confidence, bad experiences can all be reasons a kid can be needy...sometimes they are just needy. They need to learn coping skills. That's where parents and other adults come in to teach these coping skills
  • Boobear110
    April 23 at 9:00 PM

    I had a very hard time with this with my SD. It's gotten better because we have been consistant with letting her try to deal with things. She is a crier. She gets frustrated. She cries. She doesn't know how to do something, she cries. She wants something and doesn't get it, she cries.

    We just don't allow her to get away with it. She has come along way. It's not always easy.


  • AmericanDream
    April 23 at 9:09 PM
    DD 6 is a crier. Everything brings on the tears. Today it was Oreos. She wanted more than the three I said she could have. So.... Tears were necessary. Yesterday she couldn't find her dance bag. She knew I'd cleaned out the car but instead of just asking if I'd put it somewhere... I hear her bawling from down the hall. *sigh*

    Quoting Boobear110:

    I had a very hard time with this with my SD. It's gotten better because we have been consistant with letting her try to deal with things. She is a crier. She gets frustrated. She cries. She doesn't know how to do something, she cries. She wants something and doesn't get it, she cries.

    We just don't allow her to get away with it. She has come along way. It's not always easy.

  • Boobear110
    April 23 at 9:17 PM

    It's frustrating as all hell. 

    I tell SD all the time you will not get a response from me unless you come to me and ask. Drives me nuts. 

    Then I go through the whole spiel of is there any reason to cry about the dance bag? No then stop. 

    Now she does her deep,breathing when she starts getting worked up. It's cute. She's trying at least 

    Quoting AmericanDream: DD 6 is a crier. Everything brings on the tears. Today it was Oreos. She wanted more than the three I said she could have. So.... Tears were necessary. Yesterday she couldn't find her dance bag. She knew I'd cleaned out the car but instead of just asking if I'd put it somewhere... I hear her bawling from down the hall. *sigh*
    Quoting Boobear110:

    I had a very hard time with this with my SD. It's gotten better because we have been consistant with letting her try to deal with things. She is a crier. She gets frustrated. She cries. She doesn't know how to do something, she cries. She wants something and doesn't get it, she cries.

    We just don't allow her to get away with it. She has come along way. It's not always easy.


  • Birdseed
    April 23 at 9:18 PM

    I was JUST talking to my mom about this on the phone as I ran to the grocery--after reading that "fiance says he loves BM and i'm preggo" post.It really makes me wonder how we can prevent young ladies from getting into those sorts of situations.

    Edit: This is way longer than I intended but I literally just had a 45 minute convo with Mom about it.

    My mom worked at a women's shelter for awhile and we were talking about the culture that surrounds so many people and creates these young ladies who honest to God seem to think they're worthless if they don't have a dude--ANY dude it seems.  And violence? No worries.  That's fine too.  Complete disrespect? Also fine.  And not to mention the young boys/young men who grow up learning how to treat a woman based on how their mom was treated.

    My mom told the story of a young woman with 5 boys.  She was only about 23/24 and was being kept captive by her husband in her home.  The way she got out of the house finally was she put a note in her preschool aged son's bookbag when she sent him to school saying "Please help me.".  She had been terribly abused.  While at the shelter, she took the boys out shopping or something.  Her 7YO son was in the backseat of the car and got upset that she wouldn't stop at McD's or something so he took off his jacket and tried to strangle his mother while she was driving.  When my mom sat this kid down and asked him why he did that his answer was "That's what my dad does." Mom (mine) talked to him about how that's not okay.  The woman went back to her husband when she couldn't find a way to get a good enough job to get a big enough apartment per the "rules" for her 5 kids.

    My mom seems to think that a lot of these people just never have anyone teach them what is okay, what is reasonable, and what is not.  But I'm not sure.  I don't remember anyone telling me that it was wrong for my dad to beat the crap out of my mom, rip the phone out of the wall when I tried to call 911, etc.  But when it happened, I locked my brothers and I in my room, took the screen off the window, and we all snuck out and walked 3 miles to a neighbor.  I was only 11 or 12 at the time. I don't think anyone had had a "talk" with me. I just knew it was dead wrong.

    On the flip side, I think that even if you're not entrenched in horrible conditions/situations, even those of us in the middle to upper class with no abuse or crisis seem to follow an unspoken checklist.  Most of my girlfriends in college got married right out of college. Most were divorced and remarried before I got married the first time.  Of my 30 sorority sisters who graduated in two years (smaller school) I was one of two not married by 25 and the only one not married by 30.  My own husband talks about the "momentum" of dating and marriage.  His own father pulled him aside on his wedding day trying to talk him out of it. He was fresh out of college. 

    My mom was saying, "You have to make sure your SDs know they're valuable human beings and don't need a guy to be succcessful and wonderful."  Yeah...I have.  But they have pressure from their mom to get married.  To the point that SD16 reported that Mom told her if she can marry well, she doesn't need to worry about college.  WTF?

    So in summary to the original question...I think that letting young gals become resourceful, problem solve, etc and encouraging education and indepence is a good thing.  Focus on smarts and competence, not looks, not boyfriends.  But ultimately, it has to come from within somewhere. I'm a people pleaser too Polka. But from somewhere inside, I always knew I wanted to be on my own and prove that I could do it all myself before I'd consider settling down. 

    Kind of went on a tangent, eh?  Sorry.


  • Polkadotted
    April 23 at 9:25 PM

    From the time the kids were little our line was "I don't speak whine or cry" it worked so well.  Although SS still does it, but we send him to his bedroom when he gets like that.

    Quoting Boobear110:

    It's frustrating as all hell. 

    I tell SD all the time you will not get a response from me unless you come to me and ask. Drives me nuts. 

    Then I go through the whole spiel of is there any reason to cry about the dance bag? No then stop. 

    Now she does her deep,breathing when she starts getting worked up. It's cute. She's trying at least 

    Quoting AmericanDream: DD 6 is a crier. Everything brings on the tears. Today it was Oreos. She wanted more than the three I said she could have. So.... Tears were necessary. Yesterday she couldn't find her dance bag. She knew I'd cleaned out the car but instead of just asking if I'd put it somewhere... I hear her bawling from down the hall. *sigh*
    Quoting Boobear110:

    I had a very hard time with this with my SD. It's gotten better because we have been consistant with letting her try to deal with things. She is a crier. She gets frustrated. She cries. She doesn't know how to do something, she cries. She wants something and doesn't get it, she cries.

    We just don't allow her to get away with it. She has come along way. It's not always easy.


  • Boobear110
    April 23 at 9:28 PM

    I use the time out chair when it gets out of control

    Quoting Polkadotted:

    From the time the kids were little our line was "I don't speak whine or cry" it worked so well.  Although SS still does it, but we send him to his bedroom when he gets like that.

    Quoting Boobear110:

    It's frustrating as all hell. 

    I tell SD all the time you will not get a response from me unless you come to me and ask. Drives me nuts. 

    Then I go through the whole spiel of is there any reason to cry about the dance bag? No then stop. 

    Now she does her deep,breathing when she starts getting worked up. It's cute. She's trying at least 

    Quoting AmericanDream: DD 6 is a crier. Everything brings on the tears. Today it was Oreos. She wanted more than the three I said she could have. So.... Tears were necessary. Yesterday she couldn't find her dance bag. She knew I'd cleaned out the car but instead of just asking if I'd put it somewhere... I hear her bawling from down the hall. *sigh*
    Quoting Boobear110:

    I had a very hard time with this with my SD. It's gotten better because we have been consistant with letting her try to deal with things. She is a crier. She gets frustrated. She cries. She doesn't know how to do something, she cries. She wants something and doesn't get it, she cries.

    We just don't allow her to get away with it. She has come along way. It's not always easy.


  • Polkadotted
    April 23 at 9:30 PM

    I think when you are raised a way from the beginning, that becomes your normal. Some people break free, but others don't know what they don't know.  Then their reality is so different from the reality of service providers that it's hard for them to believe it is supposed to be that way.  

    Quoting Birdseed:

    I was JUST talking to my mom about this on the phone as I ran to the grocery--after reading that "fiance says he loves BM and i'm preggo" post.It really makes me wonder how we can prevent young ladies from getting into those sorts of situations.

    Edit: This is way longer than I intended but I literally just had a 45 minute convo with Mom about it.

    My mom worked at a women's shelter for awhile and we were talking about the culture that surrounds so many people and creates these young ladies who honest to God seem to think they're worthless if they don't have a dude--ANY dude it seems.  And violence? No worries.  That's fine too.  Complete disrespect? Also fine.  And not to mention the young boys/young men who grow up learning how to treat a woman based on how their mom was treated.

    My mom told the story of a young woman with 5 boys.  She was only about 23/24 and was being kept captive by her husband in her home.  The way she got out of the house finally was she put a note in her preschool aged son's bookbag when she sent him to school saying "Please help me.".  She had been terribly abused.  While at the shelter, she took the boys out shopping or something.  Her 7YO son was in the backseat of the car and got upset that she wouldn't stop at McD's or something so he took off his jacket and tried to strangle his mother while she was driving.  When my mom sat this kid down and asked him why he did that his answer was "That's what my dad does." Mom (mine) talked to him about how that's not okay.  The woman went back to her husband when she couldn't find a way to get a good enough job to get a big enough apartment per the "rules" for her 5 kids.

    My mom seems to think that a lot of these people just never have anyone teach them what is okay, what is reasonable, and what is not.  But I'm not sure.  I don't remember anyone telling me that it was wrong for my dad to beat the crap out of my mom, rip the phone out of the wall when I tried to call 911, etc.  But when it happened, I locked my brothers and I in my room, took the screen off the window, and we all snuck out and walked 3 miles to a neighbor.  I was only 11 or 12 at the time. I don't think anyone had had a "talk" with me. I just knew it was dead wrong.

    On the flip side, I think that even if you're not entrenched in horrible conditions/situations, even those of us in the middle to upper class with no abuse or crisis seem to follow an unspoken checklist.  Most of my girlfriends in college got married right out of college. Most were divorced and remarried before I got married the first time.  Of my 30 sorority sisters who graduated in two years (smaller school) I was one of two not married by 25 and the only one not married by 30.  My own husband talks about the "momentum" of dating and marriage.  His own father pulled him aside on his wedding day trying to talk him out of it. He was fresh out of college. 

    My mom was saying, "You have to make sure your SDs know they're valuable human beings and don't need a guy to be succcessful and wonderful."  Yeah...I have.  But they have pressure from their mom to get married.  To the point that SD16 reported that Mom told her if she can marry well, she doesn't need to worry about college.  WTF?

    So in summary to the original question...I think that letting young gals become resourceful, problem solve, etc and encouraging education and indepence is a good thing.  Focus on smarts and competence, not looks, not boyfriends.  But ultimately, it has to come from within somewhere. I'm a people pleaser too Polka. But from somewhere inside, I always knew I wanted to be on my own and prove that I could do it all myself before I'd consider settling down. 

    Kind of went on a tangent, eh?  Sorry.



Stepmom Central

Active Posts in All Groups
More Active Posts
Featured Posts in All Groups
More Featured Posts