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looneytunes290
So here is what I think is crap!!
September 29, 2013 at 10:15 PM
This is the BM coming out in me-

If a single mom has raised a kid up till they are 14 or 15- and that kid is a good student, band member, college bound kid, who has never been in any trouble. But- who decides that dads house seems a little easier because he has lower standards than mom- the dad should NOT say hey why don't ya come live with me?---

This happened to some people I know pretty good. Actually the dad is my husbands step brother. When going got a little rough at moms house when the kid was about 15 he let the kid move in with him. Around here by the time a kid is that age the law supports wherever the kid wants to be (which is somewhat crazy because of situations like this) so kid moves in with dad. Who happens to live in a crap school district. Then dad has no standards at all for what is expected of the kid. His grades and self esteem plummet- fast forward 4 years- he is now working at mc Donald's with a one month old baby- his girlfriend already has another kid by another boyfriend. His life is such crap compared to what his future held just a few years ago. His mom was a great lady who had always done what was best for him. When he left her house at 15 he was planning on medical school- he don't make it past his first semester of college:(

When 15 yo kid came to dad and said -whah whah mom is being mean- the best thing dad could have done was to say - listen to your mom- she has done a good job with you this far.

I just ran into the boys mom this afternoon and it got me thinking about it. I don't think it is anything I would have to worry with personally but I guess it is possible. I just wondered what other ladies would think about it. If you have good skids- do you give credit to the custodial parent?

Replies

  • LyndaLoo78
    September 29, 2013 at 10:24 PM

    No court in any jurisdiction takes a child's opinion as gospel.  That much I know.  As the CP the BM had the RESPONSIBILITY to fight for her child's future, even if the kid THOUGHT he didn't want her fighting for him.  Teens make BAD DECISIONS (not all of them, however, countless neurology and neuropsychology studies PROVE that the impulse control portions of an adolescent's brain are under developed, and in fact do not fully develop until the mid-20s).  So while it would be nice for the NCP to have the CP's back, and in a lot of situations that may occur, if the NCP does not, the onus is on the CP to fight for her child.  BM, by NOT fighting, failed her child just as much as the permissive father.  Both parents here failed their child.  

  • looneytunes290
    September 29, 2013 at 10:47 PM
    While I again agree with you in theory- the reality of our geography is that if this had went to court dad would have won. And- the kid would have lived with dad until a judge decided that dad won- and my guess is the case would have been tied up for two years until the kid was 17- in our state that is when a kid can emancipate themself. Like I said I agree in theory- but the reality if our courts here do not support that. - sorry dad screwe this one up.


    Quoting LyndaLoo78:

    No court in any jurisdiction takes a child's opinion as gospel.  That much I know.  As the CP the BM had the RESPONSIBILITY to fight for her child's future, even if the kid THOUGHT he didn't want her fighting for him.  Teens make BAD DECISIONS (not all of them, however, countless neurology and neuropsychology studies PROVE that the impulse control portions of an adolescent's brain are under developed, and in fact do not fully develop until the mid-20s).  So while it would be nice for the NCP to have the CP's back, and in a lot of situations that may occur, if the NCP does not, the onus is on the CP to fight for her child.  BM, by NOT fighting, failed her child just as much as the permissive father.  Both parents here failed their child.  


  • leegirl_jm
    September 29, 2013 at 10:49 PM

    I don't know of any court that would allow custodial change because the child wanted to go to the easy house.

    In my experience, the child usually a boy needed and thrived under their father's discipline and usually it was a mutual arrangement between both parents.

  • looneytunes290
    September 29, 2013 at 10:53 PM
    If dad had the same standards mom did then there wouldn't have been problems. It is good to hear that the legal system is more effective in this area other places than here where we live. They basically let kids choose when they hit about 14 here. All that had to be done is a kid be willing to tell the judge that they want to live at whichever parents house. There has to be a serious reason why in order for the judge not to listen to the kid.


    Quoting leegirl_jm:

    I don't know of any court that would allow custodial change because the child wanted to go to the easy house.

    In my experience, the child usually a boy needed and thrived under their father's discipline and usually it was a mutual arrangement between both parents.


  • leegirl_jm
    September 29, 2013 at 10:59 PM

    Mom must have messed up somehow, at 15 years old she should have earned her son's loyalty, even if she was a very strict mother. 

    Quoting looneytunes290:

    If dad had the same standards mom did then there wouldn't have been problems. It is good to hear that the legal system is more effective in this area other places than here where we live. They basically let kids choose when they hit about 14 here. All that had to be done is a kid be willing to tell the judge that they want to live at whichever parents house. There has to be a serious reason why in order for the judge not to listen to the kid.


    Quoting leegirl_jm:

    I don't know of any court that would allow custodial change because the child wanted to go to the easy house.

    In my experience, the child usually a boy needed and thrived under their father's discipline and usually it was a mutual arrangement between both parents.



  • looneytunes290
    September 29, 2013 at 11:02 PM
    I have thought this too in the past- I think he spoiled him a little too much- and it certainly wasn't like dad was a stranger- he saw the kid a lot. Sometimes boys are just especially doffcult around that age and I really think the kid wanted an easy break-


    Quoting leegirl_jm:

    Mom must have messed up somehow, at 15 years old she should have earned her son's loyalty, even if she was a very strict mother. 

    Quoting looneytunes290:

    If dad had the same standards mom did then there wouldn't have been problems. It is good to hear that the legal system is more effective in this area other places than here where we live. They basically let kids choose when they hit about 14 here. All that had to be done is a kid be willing to tell the judge that they want to live at whichever parents house. There has to be a serious reason why in order for the judge not to listen to the kid.





    Quoting leegirl_jm:

    I don't know of any court that would allow custodial change because the child wanted to go to the easy house.

    In my experience, the child usually a boy needed and thrived under their father's discipline and usually it was a mutual arrangement between both parents.





  • looneytunes290
    September 29, 2013 at 11:04 PM
    I do know this- mom didn't have much support. Dad undermined her at very turn- and she didn't seem to have a lot of family support. She and the boy have a good relationship now which is good- I just think it is sad for him-
  • Linagma03
    September 29, 2013 at 11:13 PM

    Not really because at 15 they all get in that mind set that when they don't get their way then the person declining their want is the bad guy and hates them. My oldest decided that she didn't like being in a large family 3 his, 2 mine, 1 ours and we had custody of all of them. At 13 she went to live with her Dad because she was old enough to make that decision. Because it is between parents that is why a judge would listen to a kid and probably agree to allow the kid to live with which ever parent they wanted to. My dd went to live with her Dad where she was the only kid and got even more spoiled than she already was. Her Dad treated her like a princess and with 6 kids we couldn't and wouldn't treat her or any of the other girls like little princess' so she moved out. Loyalty has nothing to do with it. He reached the age where he knew everything and felt he didn't need to have rules anymore he was "growed". 

    Quoting leegirl_jm:

    Mom must have messed up somehow, at 15 years old she should have earned her son's loyalty, even if she was a very strict mother. 

    Quoting looneytunes290:

    If dad had the same standards mom did then there wouldn't have been problems. It is good to hear that the legal system is more effective in this area other places than here where we live. They basically let kids choose when they hit about 14 here. All that had to be done is a kid be willing to tell the judge that they want to live at whichever parents house. There has to be a serious reason why in order for the judge not to listen to the kid.


    Quoting leegirl_jm:

    I don't know of any court that would allow custodial change because the child wanted to go to the easy house.

    In my experience, the child usually a boy needed and thrived under their father's discipline and usually it was a mutual arrangement between both parents.




  • momof2ex1
    September 29, 2013 at 11:37 PM
    My parents allowed me to do this when I was 12. I wanted to live with my dad who up until I was 11 had been pretty absent. He was an every other month dad with a very physically abusive wife. When he divorced her, met someone else, she was very involved with us. He did the whole, I have someone new in my life and I am a perfect father routine. The grass was definitly greener. My mom and I were butting heads and I was spending more time at dads. I hated the school I was in and I was doing poorly. So my mom let me go see how green that grass was. I thrived in school - I was finally part of a group of friends and not an outcast nerd. But I had no rules. I was allowed to basically do anything I wanted. Dad was still not involved. My mom was still doing it all for me I just wasn't sleeping at her house during the week. So when high school came around i decided to go back to my moms. Mom finally just said, I can't keep driving 45 minutes through down town Dallas to get you from school every day. I can't keep bringing you lunch money every day. I can't bring you your cheer bag and permission slip. Dad needs to step it up. You live too far for me to keep this up. My older brother had a talk with me and told me that he felt that I needed to move back to moms. High school would be even more demanding and dad wasn't going to be home to get me to all the places I would need to be. Plus the money thing was a struggle. My dad never had any money. My friends moms along with my mom were always having to give me lunch money or picture money or whatever I needed money for because dad didn't have it. So I moved back home. I don't think it was bad for me to live with my dad because it really helped me get through some rough years to have a change. However all I learned from that situation was to run from my problems. It wasn't until I was going through my divorce and sought therapy that I finally learned how to face conflict head on. I had learned how to run and hide but never how to face situations. My mom says it was the worst mistake of her life to let me go live with my dad. I don't think it was that bad but she says that it was that bad! It was bad bad bad. I'll take her word for it. I kind of feel like I got an escape from some bad kids and it helped heal my relationship with my mom. I finally saw that all she was ever doing was being there for me. But she said it was the worst two years of her life. But she was determined to let me figure it out on my own.
  • looneytunes290
    September 29, 2013 at 11:45 PM
    Awe- thank you so much for reflection about this. Your momma must be a special woman. I wish my nephew had a better outcome :(


    Quoting momof2ex1:

    My parents allowed me to do this when I was 12. I wanted to live with my dad who up until I was 11 had been pretty absent. He was an every other month dad with a very physically abusive wife. When he divorced her, met someone else, she was very involved with us. He did the whole, I have someone new in my life and I am a perfect father routine. The grass was definitly greener. My mom and I were butting heads and I was spending more time at dads. I hated the school I was in and I was doing poorly. So my mom let me go see how green that grass was. I thrived in school - I was finally part of a group of friends and not an outcast nerd. But I had no rules. I was allowed to basically do anything I wanted. Dad was still not involved. My mom was still doing it all for me I just wasn't sleeping at her house during the week. So when high school came around i decided to go back to my moms. Mom finally just said, I can't keep driving 45 minutes through down town Dallas to get you from school every day. I can't keep bringing you lunch money every day. I can't bring you your cheer bag and permission slip. Dad needs to step it up. You live too far for me to keep this up. My older brother had a talk with me and told me that he felt that I needed to move back to moms. High school would be even more demanding and dad wasn't going to be home to get me to all the places I would need to be. Plus the money thing was a struggle. My dad never had any money. My friends moms along with my mom were always having to give me lunch money or picture money or whatever I needed money for because dad didn't have it. So I moved back home. I don't think it was bad for me to live with my dad because it really helped me get through some rough years to have a change. However all I learned from that situation was to run from my problems. It wasn't until I was going through my divorce and sought therapy that I finally learned how to face conflict head on. I had learned how to run and hide but never how to face situations. My mom says it was the worst mistake of her life to let me go live with my dad. I don't think it was that bad but she says that it was that bad! It was bad bad bad. I'll take her word for it. I kind of feel like I got an escape from some bad kids and it helped heal my relationship with my mom. I finally saw that all she was ever doing was being there for me. But she said it was the worst two years of her life. But she was determined to let me figure it out on my own.

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