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TinaH13
How to bond/connect with BM
by TinaH13
September 7, 2013 at 5:15 AM
I have a ss who is 4 years old and lives with BM, her hubby and their 3 kids. DH and I see him every other weekend. We've been married for a few months now and normally don't have issues with BM (hardly in contact with her except when picking up or dropping ss) but since we got married and have our own place she seems to be getting abit difficult like not wanting to talk to me or not responding to our requests to fetch him. This past weekend she refused Mil fetching him because she knows we'll also see him somehow (very supportive Mil). We think she is influencing ss as well, because he started behaving mean towards me, which he normally wouldn't be, although that was changed with his last visit 2 weeks ago thanks to DH and Mil's positive influence and we had a great time together as usual. My question is how to connect with BM in a non-forceful manner and make her realise I'm/we're not a threat to her place as BM, and create a friendly relationship for the children's well-being and our sanity (I'm expecting our first child together so ss will have another brother or sister in the near future but BM doesn't know it yet). I've tried casual texting cos we had that type of relationship once before, but this time she doesn't seem to trust it, as though there's an ulterior motive. Any tips or am I expecting thee impossible?

Replies

  • Talis
    by Talis
    September 7, 2013 at 6:50 AM

    no major tips. you cant earn her trust, she doesnt want to work with you or be your friend and if she does end up talking to you at some point is because she wants to tell you what to do and she wants you to do it without question. Best leave well enough alone. Let Dh deal with BM and live out your happy life/marriage.

  • TinaH13
    by TinaH13
    September 7, 2013 at 7:12 AM
    Lol seems that might be best, thanks. Just wish there was a better way cos I don't want the kids to be affected negatively anymore. And DH is a special kind of stubborn when BM starts this type of thing then I'm the one who keeps it together mostly or he wouldn't contact her at all even if it means not seeing ss
  • whatIknownow
    September 7, 2013 at 7:25 AM

    maybe she just doesnt like you? why force yourself on her? She doesn't seem to want a relationship with you. You should respect that.

  • amantonacci
    September 7, 2013 at 8:05 AM


    If your dh wouldn't contact her to even be able to see his son there's your problem right there. She doesn't want to communicate with you she wants your husband to man up on his own or to not be involved at all is my guess.

    Quoting TinaH13:

    Lol seems that might be best, thanks. Just wish there was a better way cos I don't want the kids to be affected negatively anymore. And DH is a special kind of stubborn when BM starts this type of thing then I'm the one who keeps it together mostly or he wouldn't contact her at all even if it means not seeing ss



  • Quinn525
    September 7, 2013 at 8:13 AM
    This

    Quoting amantonacci:


    If your dh wouldn't contact her to even be able to see his son there's your problem right there. She doesn't want to communicate with you she wants your husband to man up on his own or to not be involved at all is my guess.


    Quoting TinaH13:

    Lol seems that might be best, thanks. Just wish there was a better way cos I don't want the kids to be affected negatively anymore. And DH is a special kind of stubborn when BM starts this type of thing then I'm the one who keeps it together mostly or he wouldn't contact her at all even if it means not seeing ss




  • TinaH13
    by TinaH13
    September 7, 2013 at 8:25 AM
    Yeah you're both probably right, I try to put myself in her shoes as well. Like I said I had a different relationship with BM before, she said she has no problem with me and we had friendly chats before even regarding Ss. I think DH's approach has more to do with her change than anything else. Also he might feel undermined and her husband is more involved since they live with him so quite a lot to handle. I think you could be right about the level of involvement too since they kinda have their own life separate to us and we both just want peaceful communication. Not like we need to be besties but just mutual respect in order for the kids to do the same. Thanks for the advice
  • TinaH13
    by TinaH13
    September 7, 2013 at 8:41 AM
    Also gotta add that DH has no problem communicating with SD regarding the regular routines of pick-ups and drop-offs of Ss. He even suggested/requested it to Bm once to prove its abit petty to have an issue with that. But I'm hopeful someday we'll all be able to move forward from this. Just going to back off abit and support the way I've been so far.
  • amantonacci
    September 7, 2013 at 8:51 AM


    Sounds really petty of him. If he wants to see his child he really needs to man up an keep communication between the parents. My suggestion to you is to stay out of our don't push him and let him decide if he's going to have a cordial relationship with mom for the sake of their child.

    Quoting TinaH13:

    Also gotta add that DH has no problem communicating with SD regarding the regular routines of pick-ups and drop-offs of Ss. He even suggested/requested it to Bm once to prove its abit petty to have an issue with that. But I'm hopeful someday we'll all be able to move forward from this. Just going to back off abit and support the way I've been so far.



  • TinaH13
    by TinaH13
    September 7, 2013 at 9:05 AM
    In a way that's true. He's just standing up for me as well so I don't blame him for taking a stand as BD in the scenario when she is the only one in the scenario who has a problem with all of us working together. Like I said she's the one who started refusing ss or ignoring our requests completely and we've made alternative plans to see him (via Mil) since then and now she is attempting to stop that as well so I think DH is trying to do his part without taking it a step further yet (legal action) because we had a good understanding until now
  • runinpinkshoes
    September 7, 2013 at 9:44 AM
    Your situation is exactly like mine - BM was also fine with me at first, until DH and I married. Then it was like she became a different person. Like you, I also reached out to her via email or text to assure her I was not a threat to her place as mom and I wanted things to be friendly. But it backfired every time and I just ended up feeling silly and embarrassed.
    So now, I just don't involve myself with her in any way.

    I agree with you that it's unfortunate that unnecessary negativity needs to exist and I recognize that you're coming from a good place. But I agree with the others that there's no point trying to mend things if she's not receptive.

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