Stepmom Central

Talis
My heart feels for DH....
by Talis
July 27, 2013 at 10:56 PM

Sometimes i just want to turn it off. My ability and want and need to care for SD like i do. During the summer DH gets her on his days off according to his schedule, which this year they agreed to three days this time four days the next regardless of the fact that Dh is supposed to get SD half of the summer he always compromises with BM so as not to have to deal with her attitude. But i absolutely despise the way she always acts like SD is only her child and she "lets" DH have her when he does. As if parent time guideline plays no role in this she has nonchalantly threatened to take away his weekly overnights despite their agreement in the past which he has record of. When this happens he has to reenforce that she cant do that but refuses to take her back to court for anything because our state favors the mother regardless of the type of person she is. BM gets way more on child support currently than she is supposed to be getting do to the fact that when they divorced she was unemployed. Child support is still set up this way today even tho its been over three years and she has work the whole time and recieved a promotion. But BM is the type of person that if he had it changed she would quickly drop to part time or quit her job just to switch it back the next year so whats the point. During the school year she will go get her hair done, eat out every for almost every meal every day, etc. while dressing SD in stained up, holey raggedy clothing that is either too small or too big, never proper fit. She will go weeks on end without adding money to SD's lunch account which we have record of reaching the negatives in hundreds. She is a hoarder, and I mean filthy hoarder. I've only been in their home once and she won't let me near it anymore. It smells, there are things everywhere, and last year you couldnt see SD's floor of her room. The piles of junk were so high SD slept on the couch the majority of the school year. Last week she told us she can sleep in her bed, which is in a larger room since her sister moved out, but that she has to walk on all of her things to get to it because she has no where to store anything. I can only imagine what it looks like now. But all of this boils down to how she is 100% loyal to mom as if she could do no wrong. Her mom will call her cell (which we got her for her 10th birthday in hopes that DH could reach her more) numerous times and SD will not miss a night of talking to mom when she is with us. But when she goes home to BM, DH is lucky if he hears from her once a week at times. This irritates me to no end, but DH says nothing to SD or to me about how it frustrates him, when I know that it does. Just don't know how to cope anymore when BM is such a nasty person and so controlling that she has to attempt to insert herself into our everyday lives including calling a hundred times until she reaches SD. ( sidenote: SD is only allowed to call her mom, dad, step dad, and I currently until she can be responsible. I could care less whether she calls me, but it bothers me when DH trys so hard to be a good daddy and all we hear about when SD is here is mom, and mom, and step dad, and mom. I'm just so fed up. Any advice, comments, relief? Anyone else been through this?

Replies

  • momof2ex1
    July 27, 2013 at 11:29 PM
    It's ok to feel frustrated. I think that is probably pretty normal. I know there have been times that my husband can see that my ex is manipulating me and I'm allowing it - my husband feels frustrated that I allow it but he can't change me so he has to just let it go. Something that works really well for us is that I don't always tell my husband all the ins and outs of what is going in with my ex. I do share majority but I can see in his face when it's more than enough. I do tell him when a change will effect him or our home but mostly just to keep him informed. I don't generally go in to the details of how the change came about because he just doesn't care about the little details. So maybe you can talk to your husband, let him know you feel frustrated and that maybe a break from knowing ALL the details will help you.

    Also, I wouldn't feel too sorry for him. He has options and if he isn't willing to use those options then you can't feel sorry for him. He can take her back to court. He can ask to have CS modified if circumstances have changed. Don't listen to what others tell you, everyone's out come is different. I've had so many people tell me horror stories about CSE and how they have been screwed. I've not had the same experience. My experiences have always been pleasant and I do feel that CSE works hard to make sure I get the money that is owed to me. That has never failed. So until he tries, he has no idea what his experience will be.

    As far as the agreed visitation, he needs that agreement in writing. If he is allowing mom to dictate his time or to infiltrate in to your home, he needs to stop that. He does have control over that and he needs to take the control. If he doesn't have a court order with the current agreement, he needs to get one.
  • momof2ex1
    July 27, 2013 at 11:31 PM
    Oh I wanted to ask: what does mom do that is so nasty? You said she is nasty and I'm curious to know some examples of what you mean by that.
  • MrsMama030912
    July 28, 2013 at 1:06 AM
    I know it's frustrating. Believe me, I do !! But if she's working now and was unemployed when the CS was configured then why doesn't he at least petition to change the CS and while he's at it he could get some more leverage when it comes to visitation. Getting more set in stone might help diffuse things with BM because if she doesn't abide with the CO she is breaking it which is a no no ,right?
    Also, our school system doesn't let the school lunch balance go above $50 in the negative. In the hundreds ?!? Really or were you exaggerating ?
    I really think, as much as dh doesn't want to deal with her, that he needs to go back to court and get cs lowered and just handle these issues. Maybe some counseling to deal with the frustrations ?!
  • Tinkerbellmama
    July 28, 2013 at 1:18 AM

    I completely agree with the CS issue.

    It's very easy for CSE to view who is making what money, and they don't take to kindly to parents (NC or C) who all of a sudden change their work hours or pay for a CS hearing.

    It doesn't sound like BD is this situation is taking all of his time because he doesn't want to deal with BM... That's not cool. His responsibility is to his child, not to BM to keep HER happy. 


    Quoting momof2ex1:

    It's ok to feel frustrated. I think that is probably pretty normal. I know there have been times that my husband can see that my ex is manipulating me and I'm allowing it - my husband feels frustrated that I allow it but he can't change me so he has to just let it go. Something that works really well for us is that I don't always tell my husband all the ins and outs of what is going in with my ex. I do share majority but I can see in his face when it's more than enough. I do tell him when a change will effect him or our home but mostly just to keep him informed. I don't generally go in to the details of how the change came about because he just doesn't care about the little details. So maybe you can talk to your husband, let him know you feel frustrated and that maybe a break from knowing ALL the details will help you.

    Also, I wouldn't feel too sorry for him. He has options and if he isn't willing to use those options then you can't feel sorry for him. He can take her back to court. He can ask to have CS modified if circumstances have changed. Don't listen to what others tell you, everyone's out come is different. I've had so many people tell me horror stories about CSE and how they have been screwed. I've not had the same experience. My experiences have always been pleasant and I do feel that CSE works hard to make sure I get the money that is owed to me. That has never failed. So until he tries, he has no idea what his experience will be.

    As far as the agreed visitation, he needs that agreement in writing. If he is allowing mom to dictate his time or to infiltrate in to your home, he needs to stop that. He does have control over that and he needs to take the control. If he doesn't have a court order with the current agreement, he needs to get one.



  • momof2ex1
    July 28, 2013 at 2:38 AM
    I don't know how other states do it but the few times we have had CS meetings, my ex has to bring in his previous years tax return and his last two pay stubs. He brought all of this in to our last hearing a couple years ago. The CS attorney came to the hearing with the judge. What he brought in and what was reported by his employer did not match up. The judge asked 'did you get a decrease in pay?' This is different. Turned out - the couple months before the hearing he had more going in to 401K which lowered his net income tremendously. So the judge went off of his tax return for the year prior. My attorney told me it was $400 less a month if the judge had not noticed the large decrease in his pay stub. He tried to be sneaky and he got caught. His CS was raised a little. Lol I did laugh about that. He tried to be funny and he got caught.


    Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

    I completely agree with the CS issue.

    It's very easy for CSE to view who is making what money, and they don't take to kindly to parents (NC or C) who all of a sudden change their work hours or pay for a CS hearing.

    It doesn't sound like BD is this situation is taking all of his time because he doesn't want to deal with BM... That's not cool. His responsibility is to his child, not to BM to keep HER happy. 



    Quoting momof2ex1:

    It's ok to feel frustrated. I think that is probably pretty normal. I know there have been times that my husband can see that my ex is manipulating me and I'm allowing it - my husband feels frustrated that I allow it but he can't change me so he has to just let it go. Something that works really well for us is that I don't always tell my husband all the ins and outs of what is going in with my ex. I do share majority but I can see in his face when it's more than enough. I do tell him when a change will effect him or our home but mostly just to keep him informed. I don't generally go in to the details of how the change came about because he just doesn't care about the little details. So maybe you can talk to your husband, let him know you feel frustrated and that maybe a break from knowing ALL the details will help you.



    Also, I wouldn't feel too sorry for him. He has options and if he isn't willing to use those options then you can't feel sorry for him. He can take her back to court. He can ask to have CS modified if circumstances have changed. Don't listen to what others tell you, everyone's out come is different. I've had so many people tell me horror stories about CSE and how they have been screwed. I've not had the same experience. My experiences have always been pleasant and I do feel that CSE works hard to make sure I get the money that is owed to me. That has never failed. So until he tries, he has no idea what his experience will be.



    As far as the agreed visitation, he needs that agreement in writing. If he is allowing mom to dictate his time or to infiltrate in to your home, he needs to stop that. He does have control over that and he needs to take the control. If he doesn't have a court order with the current agreement, he needs to get one.





  • Talis
    by Talis
    July 28, 2013 at 7:26 AM

    I more than feel like the situation is out of my hands when it comes to CS. We have had multiple discussions about trying not to uproot SD until she is old enough to decide for herself, but i generally think BM will minipulate SD into staying with her. It's what she does best. We literally live less than 5 minutes away ( as much as I hate this ) but BM still feels the need to call every night that SD is with us. Sounds to me as if she is suffering from insecurities that SD will have a good time here because she questions everything that SD did with us in that day and has in the past made comments such as "don't have too much fun without me" which i think makes SD feel guilty and its not fair. The first and only time BM invited me to an event was a moms breakfast with SD in which she cut it short and when SD went to class she began trying to accuse my husband of being an aweful parent "in a nice way". Saying that she tries to talk to him about things, but he refuses to communicate, which isnt true at all. He has made attempts and she flies off the handle even when he just makes a simple request. When she would send SD over in raggedy clothes DH made a comment to her in which she backlashed saying that then we needed to provide the clothing to go back and forth from house to house. Its in writing that she is supposed to provide clothes to wear home and we are to send the ones she came in cleaned. So we tried to start sending SD home in nice, clean clothes which we either never saw again or something horrific happened to it. In one instance a dress we purchases for SD to wear to picture day came back fine, but the sandals had cat poop on the bottom of them and then they were smooshed together, something that BM denys knowing about even though you could smell it when the bag arrived. SD's Easter dress came back with a huge chocolate stain on it even after SD apologized for staining it when she even admitted to being unaware of how she did it when she didnt eat or drink anything until after she changed out of it.Another picture day outfit came back and the jumper was twice as small as it was than when she left in it ( clothes washed on extremely hot water )

    Of course when i decided to question BM about returning the clothes SD had been wearing home, and i promise i was incredibly kind about it ( but my mistake was questioning at all instead of letting DH deal with it ) she forwarded all of my messages to DH as if i hadnt already told him and basically told him he need to get his "new wife" on a leash and be sure this did not happen again or there were going to be consequences. Maybe i shouldnt have said anything at all, but she is ruthless. Just this summer DH had to make an appointment for SD to get her teeth cleaned because he talked to BM back in March when they worked out summer plans who played it off that SD was up to date when in fact she hadnt been in a year. So this July he went up, checked, and sure enough she had not even attempted to make her an appointment. So he made an appointment, took her, and told BM who in turn tries to take SD back from his visitation early simply because he didnt ask her permission, as if he needs to. But she talks for weeks before on the last visit about how the dentist said SD will need braces ( she will, but is only 10 ) which are going to cost upwords around 4000 dollars, but she doesnt make the girl brush her teeth and she doesnt take her to the dentist for regular checkups? SD is sick often ( better since we have her take vitamins when with us ) but its always the same thing. Shes sick to her stomach, throwing up one night, etc. but BM will keep her out of school saying its a flu or pink eye, etc but never take her to a real doctor to confirm and send her back to school the next day. She tried multiple times in the past to text or contact me about things that DH wast doing right or needed to do, until i had questions of my own and she would fly off the handle instantly accusing me of attacking her. Now the way I see it, if you come to me for advice about anything, explaining your story, the other person has the right to ask questions and to even not agree with you am i right or am i wrong.

    I am not kidding in any way about SD's lunch account. The first year we really started looking into things is when BM paid for SDs book fees late halfway through the school year. We did our research to find out majority of the year it was in the negatives. But they changed the rules at the school now that it can only go below 20 because of people like her. Around these moments she would have a new hair color at the next pickup/drop off.

    Im just sick with it and yes I do feel as if DH should do more, but we are done with this arguement. After months of trying to get him to call a lawyer he has one bad experience with one and didnt call anymore. I'm coming to the point of washing my hands of all this and just going back to "just his wife" as another woman said the other day and letting BM and DH lay in the beds they made. I love DH, but obviously he wants to do nothing but cater to BM so he doesnt have to deal with her irrationality and he doesnt want to change CS because his own mom has convinced him that the court will make him look like a parent who doesnt want to provide for his child. Ugh!

  • baparrot2
    July 28, 2013 at 9:15 AM

    Don't feel too bad for your DH.....remember, he picked her to procreate with.

  • Talis
    by Talis
    July 28, 2013 at 10:26 AM

    He realizes this, hence the divorce, but fails to remember at times that there is a child involved and even with SD involved shes more concerned with when she will be going home when she gets here than anything...like being here is a chore that mom just simply asked her to do. So i say, whats the point? You know he may have chosen to procreate with her, but i also chose to marry him. The way I feel about it now, i understood going into a marriage with him that it was not going to be easy, but i never expect it to be this hard. Lately when SD comes, i much rather just let her go home since it seems like thats where she wants to be. She doesnt really have a nasty behavior while being here, thats quite in the contrary, but she does ask often what time she is going home on the day she leaves and it doesnt help that BM instigates the whole thing. They are going on vacation on Tuesday and she feels the need to plan the whole vacation over the phone with SD while she is here. What places their visiting for sure, whether SD wants to stop at other exciting locations along the way. We don't bother her with the details when we go on vacation and she still felt the need to contact SD triple time while we were only gone for 4 days. Calls, texts, unceasing the whole time we were gone. Not to mention the fact that SD never fails to call BM back when she is here but DH hears from her very little while shes gone. None of  it makes sense. I've had about enough of BM thats for sure.


    Quoting baparrot2:

    Don't feel too bad for your DH.....remember, he picked her to procreate with.



  • momof2cuteboys
    July 28, 2013 at 12:24 PM

    Okay for one... CS might be higher if you go and review it.  On a CS worksheet they add up both incomes and then once you have a total they figure out a percentage based on deductions both sides can take... like child care costs, health insurance costs, long distance travel costs, and no tax credit credit.  Then there are probably a few more computations regarding the age of the child and possibly who has her the majority of the time.... So if she was imputed to use the minimum wage and now is making let say $15/ hour.  You just raised the over amount that they have to percentage out..

    As for the house some one can always call CPS if you know it is that bad.   Your SD is probably very loyal to her mom.  And you know what that is okay.  My son talks about his dad and SM a lot.  Why wouldn't he talk about them? They are apart of his life and it would be weird if he didn't IMO,  I have a feeling your SD is talking about you guys as well to BM.


  • adamsmom0116
    July 28, 2013 at 12:46 PM

     Funny! Sometimes when DH is mad at BM for making things difficult or for not doing right by the kids, I say that exact thing to him.....Well, YOU'RE the one who slept with her!

    It doesn't make it easier to deal with and it doesn't mean that you don't feel for DH or the kid(s), but the reminder is good once in a while. It WAS his choice to have kids with this woman.

    Quoting baparrot2:

    Don't feel too bad for your DH.....remember, he picked her to procreate with.


     

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