Stepmom Central

IkesWife
Step Mom He**
July 27, 2013 at 9:21 AM

My husband (two week anniversary today!) and I have 3 kids, two mine and the youngest his (Casey is 11). Casey's mom cheated and split to Vegas 3 days before his 7th birthday and she has had minimal visitation since. Coincidentally (NOT) she now wants to be the school parent (court papers served to us on Valentine's Day). My husband has decided to let Casey live with his mom during the school year for a while, but we have very liberal visitation (can you say, Southwest Rapid Rewards?!?!?!?).

My husband is a construction foreman and works long hours, so before we met Casey spent lots of time with the babysitter and X-box. I have a 12 hour a day management position, am in school finishing my bachelors and have a 13 and 15 year old of my own so when we started living together, there was a lot more structure than Casey was used to and boy did he fight it. He knows his mom and dad don't have a good relationship so he plays both sides, but runs to his mother with half stories (lies actually) that generally involve me.  I should actually have tire marks from the wheels of the bus running down the front of me at this point.

Casey will always look at his mother like the fairy princess, I get that, but at this point I am tired of being hurt to the point that I really don't even want to be alone in my houe with him. My husband supports having Casey stay at the sitters until he gets home on days when my kids are with us, but I am sick to my stomach over all of this. Another part of the problem is that my husband and his ex are having a hard time admitting that there are emotional issus related to his mother abandoning him along with ADHD that she refuses to have treated. What do I do with this kid and how do I protect my marriage and save my sanity?

Signed,

Demon Wife (Casey's nickname for me)

 

Replies

  • whatIknownow
    July 27, 2013 at 10:34 AM

    I'm not sure what the issue is. You don't want to babysit for Casey, his father has made other arrangments... so what about this bothers you? It seems a good solution was found.


  • PumpkinSpice8
    July 27, 2013 at 11:01 AM
    Im not sure what exactly the problem is either? To protect your marriage and save your sanity, you want DH and BM to medicate the child for ADHD and see a therapist? Is that the issue?

    It sounds like your other problem is solved since DH has him stay at a sitters.
  • SMInProgress
    July 27, 2013 at 11:16 AM

    I get it. It's happened to a lot of SMs.  Your biggest issue is that you're overwhelmed.  You got married recently so that brings on questions of why you got yourself into this mess+ you're dealing with bio teens+ a skid that has ADHD,abandonment issues,lies+his mother wants back in to look like the good mom that acts like she never left her child+fulltime job+school AND your DH is working a lot so you're left to deal with all this.  Add in a bunch of court dates, nasty custody battle & we'd have the same life :)

    Firstly, you discuss this with your DH. Then even if it kills you inside, you let the mother "seem" to be Mother of the Year & see if this approach will get her to take her own child in & off your hands.  Let him believe rainbows comes out of her ass, at least that's one less daily duty you have on your hands.  Secondly, DH needs to arrange to be there when Casey is there--end of story.  That way when Casey is with you, he's there to see a caring, patient SM rather than one that is too stressed to deal with him.  First deal with the rest of your 24hour life first with DH picking up most of the slack with his son.  That's always a good start. Good luck :) 

  • amanda_mom89
    July 27, 2013 at 1:14 PM
    I'm not getting it either. He's going to live with BM right? Doesn't sound like You'll be seeing much of him after that. I mean, surely he's not going to fly down every other weekend. And dad arranged for a sitter for certain times until then.
    Quoting whatIknownow:

    I'm not sure what the issue is. You don't want to babysit for Casey, his father has made other arrangments... so what about this bothers you? It seems a good solution was found.



  • amonkeymom
    Amy
    July 27, 2013 at 3:26 PM

    I agree, I do think you're feeling overwhelmed (congrats on your marriage by the way).  I think this member has some good ideas for you.

    Quoting SMInProgress:

    I get it. It's happened to a lot of SMs.  Your biggest issue is that you're overwhelmed.  You got married recently so that brings on questions of why you got yourself into this mess+ you're dealing with bio teens+ a skid that has ADHD,abandonment issues,lies+his mother wants back in to look like the good mom that acts like she never left her child+fulltime job+school AND your DH is working a lot so you're left to deal with all this.  Add in a bunch of court dates, nasty custody battle & we'd have the same life :)

    Firstly, you discuss this with your DH. Then even if it kills you inside, you let the mother "seem" to be Mother of the Year & see if this approach will get her to take her own child in & off your hands.  Let him believe rainbows comes out of her ass, at least that's one less daily duty you have on your hands.  Secondly, DH needs to arrange to be there when Casey is there--end of story.  That way when Casey is with you, he's there to see a caring, patient SM rather than one that is too stressed to deal with him.  First deal with the rest of your 24hour life first with DH picking up most of the slack with his son.  That's always a good start. Good luck :) 


  • sandeeyo
    July 27, 2013 at 4:18 PM

    I don't think we're getting the whole story.

  • iSMILEheCRIES
    July 27, 2013 at 5:09 PM

    My story is like yours in some ways.  My stepkids (who aren't even biologically my new DH's- they are his ex wifes and he raised them for 12+ years) kinda pulled the whole "fairy princess mom" thing and left the "good home" to live with the woman who abandoned them.  While with her they were left alone days at a time with the 3 year old sibling, mom was a druggie and a prostitute, child protective services was involved... and they never asked to come home to DH!  I was and still am baffled by their choices and behavior.  I have a very hard time bonding with them because I do not understand them.  It sounds like you don't have a "this is the problem" complaint as much as a list of things that just don't "feel right"... I'm not saying that isn't a problem (cause I understand it whole heartedly) but its hard to "fix" because its more like the other ladies said-overwhelmed with a kid different than you are used to and don't fully trust and understand.  My honest recommendation is to treat him JUST like one of your own... you wouldn't send yours to a sitter, you would set rules and all hell would break lose if they didn't obey :)   I have a hard time bossing my teen step kids around but I realized- I'm the mom, sucks to be them.  Atleast you will know you were fair to everyone and gave him all the tools to be a successful kid/adult.  And I also wanted to tell you I know that feeling of being uncomfortable in your own home- our house is still like this afer 2 months of my step kids living here, but I found just doing what I would normally do has helped atleast ME feel better.

  • babie113
    July 27, 2013 at 5:13 PM

    hugs i cant really help you im in the same situation with my sd .

  • IkesWife
    July 27, 2013 at 10:49 PM

     You've totally got it and I thank you for your heartfelt and compassionate response.  I think I was sharing more than anything the fact that I had no idea being a step parent would be so hard - it actually hurts sometimes. I don't necessarily want Casey medicated or away, I just wanted things to be copacetic and no matter what I did, I was the bit**. In the midst of planning our wedding we maxed our savings on court fees, so I understand how you feel too. Your advice is great and I thank you again.

    IkesWife (Lori)

     

  • IkesWife
    July 27, 2013 at 10:54 PM

    I will still have him here 30% of the time and home is supposed to be a safe place, plus I have my own children and my husband to consider.  Counseling, antidepressant meds, etc... and I am still having a hard time with it all. Anyway, thanks for your response.

    Lori

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