Stepmom Central

Are they Dead Beat Dads or Dads just sick of BM drama?
June 19, 2013 at 1:39 AM

Ok my question is do you think that all the dead beat dads out there are really dead beats or they got sick of all the baby mama drama and stop seeing their kids. 

I mean don't get me wrong I know plenty of friends where their kids BD haven't seen then since they were a few weeks old and now the kids like 12.  Heck some of my friends BD they haven't seen in 20-30 yrs.  So I understand that some dads are just dead beats. 

But then my question is I read all these horror stories with all these BM and there are some BM on here that are like my BD is a POS and bla bla bla.  And I wonder if the BD just got sick and tired of dealing with BM and all her shit.  And BD just said enough was enough and couldn't take all the BM drama.  I mean cuz some BM are bitter and mean.  And some BM keep the kids from BD so that BD can't see them unless he jumps through all these hoops and sometimes there is no hoops BM is just being a bitch and says nope you can't see my kids.  So then the kids think BD is a dead beat when he really isn't that it is BM being a bitch.  I am not tiring to stir the pot or anything I was just thinking about this and wondered about all this.  What are your thought or opinions on this. 


  • pdxmum
    by pdxmum
    June 19, 2013 at 1:44 AM

    I think cases where BM is so horrible that it just forces dad to disappear are rare.  I don't care how horrible BF is to deal with, I would never stop seeing my DDs.

    It is an argument I don't buy into that dad is just forced out by a bitchy bitter BM.  

  • Tinkerbellmama
    June 19, 2013 at 2:01 AM

    I don't care HOW horrible BM is, a man that leaves his kids for any reason is a dead beat.

    Your children are more important than anything else. There's NEVER a reason to leave your kid, EVER. 

  • krazykiddles
    June 19, 2013 at 2:03 AM

    This one really depends on the situation of each family.  I understand why some guys have really just had enough and just can't put up with anymore.  Others haven't been put through difficult or extreme cases with their ex's.

  • faerie75
    June 19, 2013 at 2:21 AM
    I think it's weak to give up on your kids cuz you don't like their mama BUT I DO think there are a lot of men who would have been there bit gave up because the mother was an impossible bitch.
  • chanizen
    June 19, 2013 at 5:04 AM

    I don't consider a man who doesn't see his kids a deadbeat.  I consider a man who doesn't pay for his kids a dead beat (or a woman for that matter).

    And, as a parent, it would takea hell of a lot more than my ex being dramatic or a total asshole for me to stop seeing my child.

  • HopesNDreams
    June 19, 2013 at 5:55 AM
    There are situations where it can be nearly impossible for dad to maintain regular contact. Long distance situations in particular make it easy for CPs to play games if they are trying to keep the NCP out of the child's life. Phone calls can get 'missed' every week, with CP claiming NCP never called. Letters and packages 'never arrived' and CP can claim that NCP forgot the child's birthday and sent nothing. This is especially true when the children are young and CPs are in control of their whole life.

    When DH was NCP and his daughter was little, CP and family would sing to SD and turn the TV to her favorite shows when she was on the phone with DH. The distractions made making a connection nearly impossible. Gifts that were sent 'never arrived', no one would answer the phone the day before, day of, or day after SD's birthday, so they'd tell her he 'forgot'. When gifts did go home with her, they would be broken or sold. SD was also told that DH abused BM and threatened to kill both BM and SD - this was the as in why she took SD while DH was at work and moved seven states away.

    When every bit of contact is interfered with or blocked, after a while, I can understand why some patents back off a bit. When the constant games interfere with life, jobs, other children, a new marriage, and the relationship with that child, at some point something has to change. I think many NCPs in this position hope that things will change when the child is 18 and not under the control of the CP.

    Do I think it is right? No, but I understand how it could happen.
  • scraphappy12
    June 19, 2013 at 6:00 AM
    My husband stopped seeing his daughter for awhile. Her mom was impossible for YEARS and sd was I think 7th or 8th grade (it's been awhile now) he told her she could call or come over anytime and his door was always open and then he stopped the back and forth bull shit. Of course child support was always paid but my sd was miserable with the back and forth and her moms crap. It was better for all involved.
  • leegirl_jm
    June 19, 2013 at 6:38 AM
    I have never been a NCP or dealt with having restricted access to my children but from what I have seen with some fathers it has an impact on their parenting of those children. I couldn't be a good parent as a NCP, I would pay but emotionally I don't think I could handle being the NCP. If the father is being financially responsible, he isn't a deadbeat.
  • ....ClvrScn.
    June 19, 2013 at 7:10 AM
    My dh nearly gave up last year. Mil got a bug up her ass because dh refused to give her half of his parenting time so she contacted bm with lies of abuse and what not. Charges were pressed and dismissed but the time we went without sd ruined the relationship. A year later we are still rebuilding. Sd would scream and cry and refuse to come over. She told her mom I beat her with a belt after prompting by mil. Everyone sd included ws just miserable. Bm would yell at her for wanting to come over etc. It was awful. Dh stepped back for a few weeks and then bm called crying because mil lost interest in her and sd apologizing etc. But like I said the damage was done. We are still trying to rebuild his relationship with sd and now bm is moving 3 hours away :(
  • tiredmama42
    June 19, 2013 at 7:11 AM

    I consider deadbeats the ones who disappear and dont pay child support.   But yes I can see men giving up.  Some BM's use the kids as pawns.   For instance how many times do you drive 2 1/2 hours to pick up kids and they are not there because BM said they could go to their boyfriends?  Or the Parental Alienation part is embedded into the kids and they never have time for dad.   Or the only time they do decide to respond to a call or text is when they want something.. phones, cars, etc.. and if dad says he cant afford it then the kids refuse to talk to him for a year.    Or BM Cheats on BF and BF to be allowed to see his kids and try to work it out with her had to get a PO BOX for BM still to collect CS while living together then cheats on him again and all her hatred is directed towards him for years.  Some men do get walked all over.. they get tired of the fighting and defending themselves.    I wouldnt consider a man who keeps trying a deadbeat.. but human and can only take so much. 

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