Stepmom Central

Featured Posts
Eternity807
I don't even know how to support DH anymore...
June 17, 2013 at 10:28 AM
Things are not good between DH and BM for SS12. She doesn't like me and has made it clear to DH that she sees him soley as a sperm donor and monthly rent provider. She does not want him in SS's life. DH fights and fights and fights. DH and BM were together until SS was 8. After that a court order was put in place and DH has had consistent visitation for the last 4 or so years. BM has since remarried and has a 2 year old. DH and I married in the fall and are expected our first child together. BM decided, without discussion with DH, that she was going to move SS this summer. DH firmly believes this is not what is best for SS and is contesting the move. Things have only escalated from there. BM refuses to communicate with DH about even the littlest things. Visitations with SS have gotten very difficult as he is at an age where he shows a strong dislike for us and everything involved with us. DH had SS yesterday for Father's Day. SS never wished him a Happy Father's Day or even acknowledged it. BM called SS late in the day and reminded him about summer visitation with his dad. SS got upset and proceeded to break his younger brothers toys, yell at DH, and tell him he doesn't care about him. DH was devestated. I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't know how to support him. I don't know the words to say to make it better. I can't tell him it will be okay. What if it never is okay? What if his son never comes around? What if he spends his whole life hating his father? The man that loves him so much? I stay out of the situation between DH and BM. It's not my problem. But I hate that she continues to say these hurtful things to DH. I hate that SS hears them. I hate that SS believes them. It just makes me sad.

Replies

  • faerie75
    June 17, 2013 at 2:49 PM
    Idk bit this is sad.
  • aeELE
    by aeELE
    June 17, 2013 at 3:07 PM
    It is sad... I don't know the words either, there may not be any. I hope things get better for you all.
  • jules2boys
    June 17, 2013 at 3:33 PM

    Have BF and SS12 sought counseling to get to the root of the issue?  Has BF sat his DS down and had a really good heart to heart talk, just them two, about what's going on, why DS feels this way?  It may hurt BF more, but in the end it coudl be more enlightening than anything else.  At 12 and feeling this way he should have the words to tell his BF what's wrong with their relationship.  Maybe it's something BF can 'fix', or 'correct' (actions, words, etc.)?  Maybe it's not but at least BF will know exactly why his child feels this way about him/their relationship. 

  • theshanster17
    June 17, 2013 at 4:41 PM

    Quoting jules2boys:

    Have BF and SS12 sought counseling to get to the root of the issue?  Has BF sat his DS down and had a really good heart to heart talk, just them two, about what's going on, why DS feels this way?  It may hurt BF more, but in the end it coudl be more enlightening than anything else.  At 12 and feeling this way he should have the words to tell his BF what's wrong with their relationship.  Maybe it's something BF can 'fix', or 'correct' (actions, words, etc.)?  Maybe it's not but at least BF will know exactly why his child feels this way about him/their relationship. 


    This. I truly hope that your DH and SS will sit down and discuss this together. I could have almost written the OP's post, at least with the move contention and BM's lack of cooperation because that is our case now.
  • bethymarie
    June 17, 2013 at 7:08 PM

    The situation is sad for all involved and I wish I knew what you could say to DH to help support him. I am often faced with the same situation in my marriage (DH feeling devastated over SS/SD/BM issues) when I just feel so helpless. I agree with the previous posts that open communication between SS12 and DH is key--especially as he approaches the teenage years. Hopefully, with time they can begin to heal their relationship as obviously they are both hurting and need to clear the air. 

  • Lurion
    by Lurion
    June 17, 2013 at 7:29 PM

    So once again it's all the evil BMs fault and all DH has ever done was love his son.  

    Do you have an awareness or a theory at least, as to what is going on on the other side of the coin? 

  • CodeBlue
    June 18, 2013 at 12:29 AM
    Right because God knows all dads are deadbeats and all moms are self sacrificing angels. Get over yourself.


    Quoting Lurion:

    So once again it's all the evil BMs fault and all DH has ever done was love his son.  

    Do you have an awareness or a theory at least, as to what is going on on the other side of the coin? 


  • MM23
    by MM23
    June 18, 2013 at 12:38 AM

     She never said there relationship was perfect but this type of stuff happens often, even if the parent doing it isn't aware that it's happening. My DH dealt with this for over a yr and it took my SD's on BM to let them see what she was doing.


    Quoting Lurion:

    So once again it's all the evil BMs fault and all DH has ever done was love his son.  

    Do you have an awareness or a theory at least, as to what is going on on the other side of the coin? 


     

  • Tinkerbellmama
    June 18, 2013 at 1:15 AM

    I gotta tell you, BM has done EVERYTHING to try to destroy DH's relationship with SD.

    When we were expecting our DDs (who are now 5 and 6, so SD was 6 and 7 when they were born, but developmentally about 4/5) BM would tell SD that daddy is having a new baby daughter and doesn't need her anymore; that daddy isn't going to want SD around anymore when his new baby daughter is born. That daddy doesn't love SD anymore. Because daddy is going to see his new baby daughter every day and doesn't see SD every day daddy doesn't love SD. BM told SD, "I just get so depressed when you aren't with me. I need you to keep me happy." And, "It hurts me when you're happy to see daddy and SM" or "it hurts me when you ask to talk to daddy."

    Seriously, those are the things SD has repeated over the years to not only us, but now to her counselor. It totally happens. I can't say for sure that it is in this situation, but I can tell you 100% that DH has done nothing but love his daughter and he's done his best to ensure that SD has the best relationship possible with both himself and BM. He's probably done too much to help BM's relationship with SD, especially now that BM can't even be bothered to spend more than a few hours with her kid at a time.


    Quoting Lurion:

    So once again it's all the evil BMs fault and all DH has ever done was love his son.  

    Do you have an awareness or a theory at least, as to what is going on on the other side of the coin? 



  • Oliviasmom72
    June 18, 2013 at 1:35 AM

    Your husband needs to get a good family law attorney. BM seems to be refusing to co parent and she cannot do that.

Stepmom Central

Active Posts in All Groups
More Active Posts
Featured Posts in All Groups
More Featured Posts