Stepmom Central

Step parent visitation
April 1, 2013 at 8:42 AM
Went to a family dinner at SOs family yesterday. His cousin, and all the family actually, was vocally complaining that she was not allowed to have her SD for Easter dinner. Her SO is a long haul truck driver. They all slammed BM, saying how awful it was of her to deprive SD of her family and that they could have easily accommodated to allow her to be there. BM was having their dinner at 12, SMs was at 2.
I think I was the only one to disagree. Besides my issues with SOs family expecting everyone to accomodate them at every holiday (noone else really has a 2nd side of the family except me) I couldn't imagine feeling that way about BM. It wasnt dads weekend, it was Easter Dinner and Dad wasn't around. BM owes noone visitation.

In the car, I brought it up to SO because he is considering rotational fly in work. He asked how I'd feel if it was me and SS. I told him, quite honestly, that BM does not have to give me visitation nor will I expect it. Knowing what happened last time, I wouldn't be surprised but I definitely wouldnt pitch a fit if I didn't get my way when dad WASN'T around.

Does anyone get step parent visitation? Any thoughts on the matter?


  • Birdseed
    April 1, 2013 at 8:50 AM

    By it's very definition, CO'd visitation is for the child to visit his/her parent.  Without some kind of "special" CO or agrerement, there's no implied SP visitation.  So it's really at the discretion of the BPs.

    In our situaiton, both BPs offer each other ROFR if they will not be around when the kids are home.  It has not been uncommon for the kids to still come to our house and maintain their normal routine even if Dad is out of town.  This "benefits" BM in that she still has her free time, and it "benefits" the kids in that they don't have to pack up for one night just because Dad is out of town on business.  I have benefits in quotes because really it's just about what's more convenient for everyone.  If the kids or BM or I weren't hip to that, we wouldn't do it.

  • WifeyC
    by WifeyC
    April 1, 2013 at 8:54 AM

    I don't think it was so much as SP visitation as it was Dad's family holiday and they wanted their relative there.

  • daddysgf
    April 1, 2013 at 9:03 AM
    It was SMs family holiday.
    Dad, grandparents etc. were not there.

    Quoting WifeyC:

    I don't think it was so much as SP visitation as it was Dad's family holiday and they wanted their relative there.

  • Rae706
    by Rae706
    April 1, 2013 at 9:42 AM
    I don't know if I would call it step parent visitation, but we get SD whether DH is home or not. When he isn't home it's normally because he is on call for work. He's home, just not much at all. With the distance between us and BM if there were any type of ROFR, we would never see SD. Besides, I think the visit is for DH, but it is also for his family and DS, SD's half brother.
  • LittleMama2012
    April 1, 2013 at 9:56 AM
    We get SD per the CO. Dh does have to work on occasion when she is here. She goes to bm's when she is supposed to be there whether bm works or not. If it were a holiday and bm wanted her, Dh generally doesn't make a fuss about it, as long as she doesn't wait til the last minute and we have both rearranged our schedules to accommodate SD being here.
  • progressandjoy
    April 1, 2013 at 12:01 PM



    BM and DH don’t have ROFR. When it is DH’s ‘time’, SS spends time with DH’s family. Same goes for BM. There’s been a few weekends where DH was gone the majority of the time (ex : for his bachelor party). SS stayed with me all weekend, but we spent a large chunk of that time with DH’s family.

  • CKuse
    by CKuse
    April 1, 2013 at 12:02 PM
    I have ss right now and dh isn't home.... I will have him by myself during the day all week while dh is at work. When dh deploys Ss will still come over as scheduled to see his siblings and I.
  • Tinkerbellmama
    April 1, 2013 at 12:05 PM

    DH has never been gone for visitation, but there have been a lot of times he's worked during the time SD was here before he had custody. I would go pick up SD and DH would spend time with her on the days/times he wasn't working. Otherwise SD would hang out with her siblings and me.

    This week is Spring break and its BM's year. She's taking 4 days (rather than the full 7 she's supposed to get), but for 2 of those days SD is being dropped off with BM's mom where SD will either be left home alone all day (she's 12 but developmentally about 9) or will have to go to work with grandma (she works at Jackson Hewitt, so SD will sit around on an ipad all day). BM is planning to be there for Saturday and Sunday, and will bring SD home Sunday by 7pm. Technically it's her time with SD, she can decide if she wants to spend it WITH SD or give that time up to her mother.

    I think that so long it is the other parents time with the child, that parent has the right to decide if SM/SF can take their visitation, so long as  the step-parent isn't abusive or otherwise have issues that would make the child/children unsafe with that adult.

    In the situation you posted, if it wasn't BD's weekend, then SM was SOL. Even IF BD was in town, it wasn't his weekend and BM was under no obligation to "share" the holiday. 

  • kristinbugg
    April 1, 2013 at 12:32 PM

    I've never understood why some SPs feel they are entitled to take BP's visitation time with SCs.  Visitation is for the child to spend time with their BP, not for them to spend time with SP or with SP's children.

  • leegirl_jm
    April 1, 2013 at 12:43 PM

    There isn't stepparent visitation that I know of however some parents have a coparenting relationship that facilitates relationships with the extended family of both parents which includes stepparents and step/half siblings. It depends on the parents and what they will allow.

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