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ColdSilveRain
Needing Advice on an Important Decision about Kids Living in our Home...Is 6 too many for us?
March 31, 2013 at 12:13 AM

This is one of my first posts here and I am a bit nervous asking for help but my family has an important decision to make and I need advice.

From the beginning...I have three kids of my own and now three more from my husband who I married in 2011. We have been together for five years and all six kids have lived with us for three. We brought them into our home when his ex decided she didn't want to deal with her life anymore and took off to lower WI with a boyfriend. She returned six months later and has been a big part of their lives. We get along for the most part except I know she wants them back full time and sometimes takes it out on me. The criticisim is a pain. I work full time and it drives her crazy. Funny thing, she's younger than me.

Well, the kids have all been driving eachother and us crazy. We live in a small 3 bdrm home and we have three boys in one room and three girls in the other, seeing as they are getting older this is getting much harder. I work evenings so my husband is the one who gets them off the bus and helps them with homework etc...reciently he started school again himself to get a degree in Auto Mechanics and things are going well except the girls are super clingy to him and the little boys are getting into everything, he has a hard time getting his work done. My two oldest are teenagers too and just started sports and dating. My youngest was just abandoned by his father (he moved away without telling any of us) and I feel like he is being neglected too. I can't change my shift because there isn't anything available. I'm starting to think my stepkids just need to go back to their mother. We don't get child support from her and I'm struggling financially as well.

The problem is I hate to see them go back to an unstable home. While she is a SAHM and is Married, they argue a LOT. Also they might lose their electric again soon, (in that case the kids aren't going anywhere!) I feel terrible for not wanting them with us anymore but I'm so frustrated with all the extra stress it's starting to cause problems with my DH. Not sure if we are making the right choice...any thoughts? Thanks for reading :-)

 

Replies

  • liltigersmom
    March 31, 2013 at 12:23 AM
    Im sure you're stressed, who wouldn't be in that sitch?

    Just don't send them back to their moms.

    Does your dh work? And he can do his class work, when the kids are off at school.
  • ColdSilveRain
    March 31, 2013 at 12:34 AM

    He doesn't right now, was laid off. He goes to class from 8am - 2:45pm comes home just in time for them to get off the bus. Wants to get a part-time job because he needs more tools for class but I just don't see how that would work either.

  • KreatingMe
    March 31, 2013 at 12:59 AM

    I read the title and before I read the post I thought, gee I wonder which kids are too much and going to be sent away? Actually I didn't wonder because I knew it wasn't going to be your kids. Imagine a SM posting  that there isn't enough room or money or time or whatever so she suggests sending her kids to live elsewhere? Me either, because in all of the years I've been on CM I've never seen that post, ever. The skids are the expendable ones. 

    You want your husbands kids to go live with their mom because your son is feeling neglected and abandoned by his dad. So your husband can move his kids out to take better care of his ss. Do you see the irony in that? That is seriously messed up. 

    Who knows maybe the kids are better off with their mom anyway.


  • momof2ex1
    March 31, 2013 at 1:48 AM
    I wanted to write this reply but you beat me to it. So it's your fault not mine. Ditto ditto to what you said.


    Quoting KreatingMe:

    I read the title and before I read the post I thought, gee I wonder which kids are too much and going to be sent away? Actually I didn't wonder because I knew it wasn't going to be your kids. Imagine a SM posting  that there isn't enough room or money or time or whatever so she suggests sending her kids to live elsewhere? Me either, because in all of the years I've been on CM I've never seen that post, ever. The skids are the expendable ones. 

    You want your husbands kids to go live with their mom because your son is feeling neglected and abandoned by his dad. So your husband can move his kids out to take better care of his ss. Do you see the irony in that? That is seriously messed up. 

    Who knows maybe the kids are better off with their mom anyway.



  • momof2ex1
    March 31, 2013 at 1:49 AM
    And I was waiting for the part about child support .... And bam! There it is!


    Quoting KreatingMe:

    I read the title and before I read the post I thought, gee I wonder which kids are too much and going to be sent away? Actually I didn't wonder because I knew it wasn't going to be your kids. Imagine a SM posting  that there isn't enough room or money or time or whatever so she suggests sending her kids to live elsewhere? Me either, because in all of the years I've been on CM I've never seen that post, ever. The skids are the expendable ones. 

    You want your husbands kids to go live with their mom because your son is feeling neglected and abandoned by his dad. So your husband can move his kids out to take better care of his ss. Do you see the irony in that? That is seriously messed up. 

    Who knows maybe the kids are better off with their mom anyway.



  • meerkat101
    March 31, 2013 at 3:57 AM
    Did you read that sm is the only one working right now??? She is footing the bill for 6 kids - 3 not even her own!! CS would be an issue for me as well!!


    Quoting momof2ex1:

    And I was waiting for the part about child support .... And bam! There it is!




    Quoting KreatingMe:

    I read the title and before I read the post I thought, gee I wonder which kids are too much and going to be sent away? Actually I didn't wonder because I knew it wasn't going to be your kids. Imagine a SM posting  that there isn't enough room or money or time or whatever so she suggests sending her kids to live elsewhere? Me either, because in all of the years I've been on CM I've never seen that post, ever. The skids are the expendable ones. 

    You want your husbands kids to go live with their mom because your son is feeling neglected and abandoned by his dad. So your husband can move his kids out to take better care of his ss. Do you see the irony in that? That is seriously messed up. 

    Who knows maybe the kids are better off with their mom anyway.




  • ColdSilveRain
    March 31, 2013 at 4:13 AM

    Actually, I was the one who wanted them to come live with us in the first place. It's mainly his thought that they should go. I have been supporting 8 people on very limited income for three years. He was laid off before they came to live with us. And just for your info, my supportive ex (older 2 kids dad) pays support and is a good dad, however he is an OTR truck driver. It's my youngest sons dad who is giving us issues. My son is also Autistic so this is a huge deal. Anyways, I pay for everything for the kids without help from the BM and even before we had them, my DH was paying support. That's the least of my concern however.

    The big issue is mainly the kids all acting up. His girls are pre-teen and having issues sharing a room and his son is 8 and has the attitude that I should be his servant. Not to mention the huge mess. For example on Friday the two youngest boys (8 & 9) poured one of my melted wax jars all over their bedroom floor. He doesn't seem to want to dicipline them and I'm not home as much as I'd like with work so what would you suggest I do? The hateful comments are really not appreciated. I thought this was a more helpful site.

    The good thing is that if his kids do go to their mothers we only live 2 minutes away.

  • TJandKarasMom
    March 31, 2013 at 6:30 AM
    I wouldn't send any kids away, but that's just me. Our kids are our kids and I know they are best with us.

    Maybe it's time for DH to go to court and get some CS? If BM doesn't see them often then she should be helping to contribute financially.

    I also have to say this, I work in a school, the same hours as my kids are in school, and up until recently I was going to school full time, even at the end working on a masters degree. I still somehow managed to get them off the bus, keep the house fairly clean, help them with homework, and then get my homework done. Granted, it is not 6 children, but if I can work full time and go to school full time, your DH should be able to handle school and caring for the kids. My homework was mostly done after the kids went to bed.

    Another option I see is if BM is only 2 minutes away then she can help with the transport of her kids to ec's. Also, why not let her kids go there after school say on Tuesday's and Thursday's? Then DH gets some time with only 3 kids to worry about, yet his kids aren't suffering by visiting with BM, it would probably be good for them.

    Can he get a PT job on the weekends? Can you give chores to the kids to help out? I don't see how 6 kids can't help take care of a 3 bedroom home.

    If your DH won't follow through on chores or discipline than this is a matter between the two of you, I don't see how the answer is to send half the kids away. What if they were all just yours together? It just wouldn't be an option. And you aren't considering sending your two oldest to their dad, yet they are the two with the big transport needs now. Not bashing, just pointing out things to consider.

    I am sure 6 kids can be overwhelming, but you all made a commitment to them when you took them in 3 years ago, you can't just say "oh it's getting too hard now." I think your DH getting a PT job on the weekends or when you are home would really benefit all of you, he would feel helpful contributing and you wouldn't feel that the burden is solely on you. I also think getting the kids to contribute around the house would benefit everyone.
  • HopesNDreams
    March 31, 2013 at 7:11 AM
    'Get child support' is advice that is easily thrown around. The problem is getting child support from someone who has nothing is a bit difficult. In the case, neither BM or BF has an income - what sort of support amount do you see coming in? Is it worth waiting months for a ridiculous amount like $10 a week? That does it even get into the time or stress of it. All of this assumes no one is using a lawyer and further creating expense.

    Bottom line moms....if you read, her DH is in favor of sending his kids to their mom. BM wants them back. DH has no interest in disciplining them and HE is the primary parent during the week.

    Why are we bashing this SM for wanting to follow through on her DH's wishes for his kids? They cannot afford six kids and, honestly, are trying to do what will be emotionally and financially feasible for everyone involved. SM is just trying g to deal with her feelings on this. Just because it is not the ideal solution, does that make it the 'wrong' solution?
  • thatislife
    March 31, 2013 at 7:11 AM

    If the home is unstable there then don't send back,  Can you sit down and come up with some schedules and routines that will help your life run more smoothly?  Think meal plans, chore charts, regular bedtimes, counseling for the little one, scheduled individual times for the kids who want/need it.  Cut out time wasters like tv, surfing the web or stuff like that for the adults that can eat up precious time.  If you need to relax read or talk to your husband.  I understand you are overwhelmed but it is not okay to send them back to the lion's den but you should seek some ways to help your family run smoother.

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