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ginamom512
Is this really considered controlling?
March 9, 2013 at 11:43 AM

I see a lot of posts on here about sm's saying they don't care if bm doesn't want them to attend things like doctors appointments and school events or doing certain things that bm is not okay with. I think if bm is not okay with sm doing something that should be respected and vice versa. 

Replies

  • EricaG87
    March 9, 2013 at 11:56 AM

    I think that if it's a private thing such as the room at a doctor's office, or a parent teacher conference, or something like that then if BM says she doesn't want you there then you shouldn't go. If it's a public even like a sports game or a field trip that DF is going on and you want to tag along or a school open house then BM needs to just learn that she's "not the boss of the whole world" as my son would say... lol... It's a public place and SM is a part of the kid's life. she will just havta get used to it. As a BM knowing that my kids will someday have a SM I will hold myself acountable to the same thing.

  • slashteddy
    March 9, 2013 at 12:00 PM
    I dunno. I'm a BM and an SM. Like PP said, if it's something private, like parent-teacher conference or doctor's appointment, I don't go. I don't feel like it's my place. But if it's a school play or football game, I don't see why BM gets to decide whether or not I can go to something open to the public.
  • ginamom512
    March 9, 2013 at 12:01 PM

    You have to volunteer to be a chaperone on a field trip as a bmom I would not be okay with a step parent chaperoning my child's field trip unless both parents couldn't make it. 


    Quoting EricaG87:

    I think that if it's a private thing such as the room at a doctor's office, or a parent teacher conference, or something like that then if BM says she doesn't want you there then you shouldn't go. If it's a public even like a sports game or a field trip that DF is going on and you want to tag along or a school open house then BM needs to just learn that she's "not the boss of the whole world" as my son would say... lol... It's a public place and SM is a part of the kid's life. she will just havta get used to it. As a BM knowing that my kids will someday have a SM I will hold myself acountable to the same thing.



  • ginamom512
    March 9, 2013 at 12:03 PM

    Something open to the public I wouldn't mind but if it was a parent teacher conference, a doctor's appointment or something like that I would not be okay with a step parent doing that. I didn't go and have a child so a step mom could help raise my child that is left up to both parents I believe. 

    Quoting slashteddy:

    I dunno. I'm a BM and an SM. Like PP said, if it's something private, like parent-teacher conference or doctor's appointment, I don't go. I don't feel like it's my place. But if it's a school play or football game, I don't see why BM gets to decide whether or not I can go to something open to the public.



  • slashteddy
    March 9, 2013 at 12:12 PM
    Quoting ginamom512:




    Agreed. Stuff like that, I feel like it's none of my business. I don't make decisions, I just support from the background.
  • EricaG87
    March 9, 2013 at 12:28 PM

     I wasn't saying I wanted to chaperone. Around here at least, they go to public places such as county festivals, petting farms, etc.for field trips.  The only place I wouldn't be "allowed" would be on the school bus. Other than that I would be free to do as I please.

    btw: I would only go if DF was going, not by myself

    Quoting ginamom512:

    You have to volunteer to be a chaperone on a field trip as a bmom I would not be okay with a step parent chaperoning my child's field trip unless both parents couldn't make it. 

     

    Quoting EricaG87:

    I think that if it's a private thing such as the room at a doctor's office, or a parent teacher conference, or something like that then if BM says she doesn't want you there then you shouldn't go. If it's a public even like a sports game or a field trip that DF is going on and you want to tag along or a school open house then BM needs to just learn that she's "not the boss of the whole world" as my son would say... lol... It's a public place and SM is a part of the kid's life. she will just havta get used to it. As a BM knowing that my kids will someday have a SM I will hold myself acountable to the same thing.

     

     

     

  • pdxmum
    by pdxmum
    March 9, 2013 at 12:28 PM

    I don't think BM controls where you can and can't go, but as a couple you and DH need to decide what is worth angering her and what isn't.  Going to a PTC is so much more than hearing about your kid from a teacher, it is showing the child you care and sending the message that school is important and valued.  But if BM flipped shit over my presence there, the message I would like to be communicated gets overshadowed by SM makes mommy angry and why was that meeting so uncomfortable for the kids.

    doc visits I just don't understand why I need to be there.  Unless it is really serious and more of a consultation with the doc and DH needs my support and wants my perspective.  Then I would go.

    honestly, I have volunteered for things at SSs school and never thought twice about BM.  Schools always need more volunteers.

    we respect BMs wishes 90% of the time.

  • thatislife
    March 9, 2013 at 12:29 PM

    doctor's appts are different, school events i think sparents should get to go to irregardless bm opinion and pay more attention to their spouse and the child's opinion

  • SassyMom25
    March 9, 2013 at 1:57 PM

    My first reaction is that if BM and BF are doing their jobs as parents, then there should be no room for a SP to be attending things for the child. Of course that oftenchanges after a divorce, when the OP no longer cares if the other can get off work or whatever the issue is that affects their availability.

    I believe that I would be glad that my child had someone to be there for them, no matter the situation. I go to every event at my kids school that I can and at times I split myself between SS11 and DD7 if they have activities on the same day. Anyway, there are lots of times when myself and other parents are at the school and other kids talk about how their parent never gets to come because of work or whatever.

    I think I would only consider it controlling if say neither BP can attend 'whatever', but say BM didn't want SM to attend, but was okay with SF attending (because lets face it, this happens way more than BF throwing fits about SF being involved), or vice versa. This is of course assuming that the BP doesn't have good cause to not want the SP there. 

  • elisesmom922
    March 9, 2013 at 2:12 PM

    I do most of these things b/c BM refuses, so either DH and I do it, or just me. BM has never ever in her life taken SD to the dentist, it has always been DH. I did it one time, when DH was sick, BM refused, and the next available appt was in 4 months. I do go to SD's specialist, But BM has requested that I go, b/c I spend a fair amount of time with SD. 

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