Stepmom Central

Annoying, every time
February 19, 2013 at 1:40 AM

This is a vent, a mostly irrational vent. I'm just throwing that out there.

It's very annoying to me how much information BM and BM's mom seem to have, and get, about my bio-kids and my family. SD is a talker, so I don't know how much of it is just information SD wants to share with them, or how much is being asked for her to give, you know?

She came home tonight from her weekend visit with BM full of stories about what she did with grandma. One story was all about how grandma asked this, and then grandma asked that, etc. We got a dog for DD6, his current title is an emotional support dog, he's being trained to be certified as a therapy dog, and will eventually be trained as a service dog to help with her anxiety and Autism-like behaviors. Anyways, SD told me how she was telling grandma about it and grandma said, "But I thought you could have dogs at your apartment complex?" I have NO idea how grandma knew that, other than she or BM could have done some research about where we live. So, SD tells me how she explained to grandma about DD6 and needing a therapy dog. Then SD says, "Then grandma asked WHY DD needs a therapy dog, so I told her about how DD might have Autism and has ADHD and takes medication and everything. And then grandma asked what medication DD was on, but I couldn't remember the name."

I don't want to tell SD to keep things from BM or grandma, I think it's wrong to encourage children to keep secrets from adults (with the exception of presents or surprise parties, etc). But, I also don't want BM and specifically grandma (who I think may be considering trying to get custody as she's previously asked, and then demanded BM sign over custody to her) using SD as a way to get information about my other children. Anything related to SD or anything that could possibly concern SD is shared with BM, what she chooses to share with grandma (BM's mom) is up to her).

I just smiled and told SD that it sounded like she had a really good time, but it was late and time to get ready for bed. Obviously I have no control over what BM and/or grandma ask SD, but I don't feel comfortable telling SD that she shouldn't/isn't allowed to talk about her siblings or other family members or anything when she's with BM and grandma. Her life with us is her life, and it would be wrong to tell her she can't dicuss that with the rest of her family members. I don't think there's a real solution here... It's just very frustrating that they seem to be digging for information about my other children.


  • momof2ex1
    February 19, 2013 at 1:50 AM
    Ugh I hate that too!! Sometimes I literally want to strangle my kid when she tells me what she told her dad! Lol I think to myself NO!! He doesn't need to know that! Silly stuff. Like she told him we were annoyed with our landlord bc she makes us water every day and our water bill is so high. Why!!!???? Why was that important?? Dd tells me some things about her dad's but I really don't ask many questions. I honestly don't want to know. So I try to change the subject. My mom on the other hand is super nosey and she will just let dd keep talking. Then mom calls me and is like OMG. And I'm like MOM!! NO!! I don't want to know!! Lol

  • Tinkerbellmama
    February 19, 2013 at 2:16 AM

    It just really frustrates me that they seem to be digging for information about my other kids. I can see if they were asking SD about her therapy and whatnot (DH and I ensure that BM gets all of that information, but she may or may not share it with her own BM). But, for what purpose does SD's maternal grandmother need ANY information about DD6? The only reason I can think that she'd ask about it is because she wants to try for custody. BM will never have custody again, the most grandma can hope for is for BM to keep taking SD to visit once a month, for DH to agree to allow grandma some type of visitation of her own, or for grandma to try for custody herself.

    When grandma first brought it up to BM (now this is all second hand from BM, so who knows the absolute truthfullness of it all), grandma mentioned that it's just her and SD there, so she'd be able to make sure SD's needs were met (which I find laughable, as SD's needs weren't being met when it was grandma, BM, SF#2, and then BM's boyfriend all living in the same house taking turns "taking care" of SD). But, that with us there are 3 other kids. Now that grandma has more information about DD6's special needs, that may make her think she has I guess "more fuel for the fire" to try and get custody of SD. It's crazy, but between DH and I we manage to meet the needs of all 4 kiddos without too many issues. Adding the dog into the mix isn't that much more except we have obedience classes once a week.

    I'm a pretty private person, so it's VERY frustrating for me to have these people know personal things about myself and my children. Especially after everything that these women (BM and BM's mom) have said to and about me and my children.

  • Tyger88
    by Tyger88
    February 19, 2013 at 3:19 AM

    Om My goodness girls, wait until you read your kids Facebook & find your Whole Life story (from someone else's perspective) on it...I Had to tell SS  what goes on in this house.stays in this house..IF I ever read about me on facebook again..he is going to Deal with me & my facebook...;) LOL  I was So mad..but then when he read We were getting married on facebook..he said I live here w/you & dad, "How come I didn't know first"...I asked him...How do you like it now?...No more facebook or talking about our household again..that I have caught anyways Yet...

  • OvrMyHead
    February 19, 2013 at 11:32 AM

    Yikes!!  I hate this information sharing too!  I have to say though that some people are just plain gossips, I feel like they have no life and have to spend all their time in others business.  I get questioned to death about things by my MIL and I will sometime ask her "Are you trying to help out with this or are you just asking?"

  • vwd_johnson
    February 19, 2013 at 11:38 AM
    Unfortunately you and BM are family in a way. You share family members, therefor she will probably always know more business than you'd like. It sucks, but it just comes with it. F you tell SD not to say things, you'll probably make her feel bad because she'll feel like she did something wrong and not necessarily understand it right now.

    Maybe try to just keep quiet on things you want to keep private. obviously, the dog and autism is something impossible to keep quiet, but yeah.
  • Birdseed
    February 19, 2013 at 11:38 AM

    Honestly, I don't think that the question about a dog in an apartment would take much prodding/research. Most rentals--whether apartments, condos or town homes--don't allow dogs.  So I don't think I'd read too much into that.

    As far as asking more about the therapy dog, again--doesn't seem prodding.  It's probably something SD is excited about and it's something that a lot of people don't know much about.  So she got to be "in the know" and explain something to Gma.

    I don't see what relevance your DD's meds/condition has with regards to custody of SD, so I wouldn't read too much into it.  

    I guess in my mind, whatever the kids see, hear or do in one house is part of their life and their reality.  If they choose to share that info from their perspective, that's fine.  If you're not doing anything wrong, there shouldn't be any concern.  Really, I'd even go so far as to turn it around and take it as a compliment.  If they're so interested in what you guys are doing and the kiddos are excited to share, well...nice work!  Kids don't tend to talk much about the bad stuff.  

  • Derdriu
    by Derdriu
    February 19, 2013 at 12:14 PM

    How old is your SD?

    Kids don't have filters until a certain age.  Unless something affects them directly in a negative way (i.e., source of embarrassment), they'll talk about it.  And until then, the more you tell them not to discuss it, the more likely they are to discuss it. 

    My SD13 is pretty discreet.  She doesn't like random people knowing her business, and consequently she doesn't make a habit of sharing other people's business.  SS8, on the other hand.... SMH.  That child repeats everything he hears.  If he repeats something age-inappropriate, it takes a whole lot more than "Don't say that again" to put a lid on it.  It's even better if what he knows or thinks he knows is taboo.  The problem with SS is that his key triump is knowing everything there is to know about everything and making sure everyone else knows how smart he is.  He argues non-stop, including with teachers trying to explain material to him.  If he thinks he has some interesting information, he WILL share it.  Under threat of punishment, he will share it.  If he is being loudly and deliberately talked over while a Vulcan neck pinch is being applied to shut him up, he will be even more determined to share it.  He will cry in frustration over not being allowed to share what he knows with no concept of why his little mouth needs to stay zipped.  DH and I make a point to withhold information from him.  We don't speak of private things in his presence.  Things he overhears or observed are given alternate explanations.  I'm far less concerned about what he may repeat to BM than his teachers, his friends, parents of friends, some random stranger he meets, etc. 

    The gist is, whatever you allow your SD to know, make sure it's something you don't mind BM and grandma (and the rest of the word) knowing.  If something is private, use extreme discretion.  I really don't think autism is a subject that can be hidden, nor is it something that can be used against you regarding custody.  A dog is exciting.  These things, though personal to you because they involve your DD, are relatively benign.  When it comes to medications, therapy or other treatment, SD should be wholly unaware of the details.  It's not her business, doesn't concern her, and doesn't add personal value to her life to know.

  • 1SpaZZedMom
    February 19, 2013 at 12:32 PM

     My DS12 is learning that he is NOT to talk about things that go on while on his xbox. Examples:
    1) ODD falls down - he tells his xbox friends about it in a mocking manner.
    2) YDD was throwing a fit - and he gripes about her "screaming and crying"......
    3) DH and I were playing and joking and he tells them "My mom and dad are fighting, I'm going to shut the door, hang on"

    WTF???? Seriously? Laughing and joking is fighting? He was grounded for 2 days for that one! ALL 3 the same day!

  • faerie75
    February 19, 2013 at 12:44 PM

     i would have SO talk to sd and tell her that things involving MY kids and me are to be kept at THIS house and not at BM's house. might not be right but your business aint THEIR business.

  • Tigress22304
    February 19, 2013 at 12:51 PM

    Bm tried that once with sd11.

    The next time BM dropped SD off-I told BM in front of DH and the skids-what goes on with my daughter is MY concern-not yours. Worry about your kids-leave my daughter to me. Stop interrogating about what goes on with my child. She's nothing to you-therefore Mind your business.

    And we explained to the kids about sharing info just to talk-and them being asked 20 questions because BM's nosy

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