Stepmom Central

The Blaming Game
February 11, 2013 at 5:55 PM

I'm a soon to be stepmom of an adorable 3 year old boy.  My future husbad has 50/50 shared custody.  I've joined to find other stepmoms who might be able to offer adivce to some issues I am facing.  Currently, I am the blame for my FH and the BM communication breakdown.  She claimes I am writing all emails and therefore only wants to have a face to face meeting when it is convinent for her and has even told my FH that she has blocked all of his emails.  He started to send certified letters instead.  I think she is trying to make life difficult, and now the changes (me being in the picture) are causing her to have insecurities.  My question is, how do we get around those insecurities?  I have sat back and taken her verbal assults on my character for almost 8 months now and it's geting harder to bite my tongue.


  • whatIknownow
    February 11, 2013 at 6:26 PM

    when does she want to have face-to-face meetings? at exchanges?

  • packermomof2
    February 11, 2013 at 6:34 PM

    I only talk to my ex when he picks up the kids.  Nothing wrong with that at all.

  • Csstepmom
    February 11, 2013 at 6:43 PM

    She wants to meet at a book store.  She also wants to talk during exchanges, but they always lead to arguments.  Unfortunately their relationship has not made it to the level where they can communicate without getting upset: she either blames me...tells him things like he needs to keep me in line...especially when he disagrees with him.  He is not a confertational person and prefers to email.  I think they are both or a fault when it comes to communicating..she wants to dominate the conversation and he can't put his thoughts into words when he feels confronted.  Right now they are disagreeing about whether or not C is ready for prekindergaten.  I'm a teacher so she feels that his opinion is soley based on what I believe.  It makes it rough when she is constantly threatening him to take him back to court.  When she does this he feels that it's best to have all their communication documented.

  • packermomof2
    February 11, 2013 at 7:01 PM

    Serious question here, basing this on my personal experience with a man who gives me one answer when there is a woman around and a different one where there is not, and based on things others have posted on boards like this over the years: would he agree with mom if he didn't have you giving him your opinion? 

    Think for a second on that - a lot of new women have this complaint. that mom "thinks" it is the SM.  BUT... if mom knows dad/his communication style and it changes when there is a woman, she'll think, sometimes rightfully so, that dad is just agreeing the nonparent instead of working it out with the actual parent.

    I had the same problem.  Which was partially why I stopped with the emails and texts.  If I had something to discuss it was away from SM.  Why?  Because when she was around his answers were different - not always agreeing with me, but his words were his and I could tell that it was him and not her (as I never gave him a heads up beforehand that there was something to discuss).  This worked with speech therapy (he immediately gave me an answer), but when I gave him a heads up on a procedure for our daughter that was recommended by a specialist he was spouting what his wife said (because you know, CNA's know everything about medical procedures)... so I finally just took money off the table and he agreed, no questions asked.   When she wasn't around...

  • PumpkinSpice8
    February 11, 2013 at 7:19 PM
    I don't see anything wrong with a weekly face-to-face. At least she wants to communicate and I don't blame her for wanting to know his opinion from him. It sounds like FH is making things difficult as well by pushing emails and then certified letters (the latter sounds a little silly to me). I would compromise. Agree to a weekly face-to-face with emails inbetween. Or better yet phone calls between the parents. With phone calls he wouldn't have to meet her but it would still be him giving his opinion.
  • pdxmum
    by pdxmum
    February 11, 2013 at 7:21 PM

    Do you write his emails?  Or at a minimum, do you edit his emails?  

    Is she excluding you from these face to face meetings?  My advice is to get off her radar.  Disappear from her world.  Focus on your fiancé and his child.  

  • Csstepmom
    February 11, 2013 at 7:25 PM

    Would he agree with her if I were not in the picture?  I'm not sure.  The fact is that I know that they are his parents and it is their responsiblity to make descisions regarding his well being.  I am fully aware of this fact and do not have a problem with it.   I sometimes agree with him and other times I agree with her.  In no way am I trying to persuade him one way or the other, and I shouldn't be blamed for all disagreements.  I'm looking for an outlet to discuss this so that my prespective stays the same.  I give advice when my opinion is solicited, and support my FH 100%; and because I do this I have crossed boundries.  Are you a stepmom pakermomof2?

  • bclay1
    by bclay1
    February 11, 2013 at 7:27 PM

    Honestly it takes time. While I never fought in front of the children I didn't bite my tounge either.  I would stand up for myself without going to her level.  You do not want to insult the childs mother no matter how horrible she is.  It has taken almost three years for my step kids mother to get to a place where now we get along and work togehter to raise the kids!!! but I always was open and honest with her and the kids and I never involved the children if she sent messages by the kids I always told them that not to worry about it and that their mom can call me or talk to me when she picked them out their father always did te same eventually she realized waht you actions were doing with the kids and started to work with us and now for the last year we have all worked realy hard to be a team. we even consider each other friends now  so don't loose hope and stay respectful without taking crap or letting her rule your  guys life  I'm sure it is just hard to deal with someone else being like a mother to your kids. 

  • Csstepmom
    February 11, 2013 at 7:36 PM

    Yes she does exclude me from everything...but I get it and I'm not upset about that.  I do not offer my opinion to her regarding her child ever.  They have been trying to co-parent for less than a year now and it has been rough.  After their first court date, it was going well until it came time for me to go back to work (it was the summer and I am a teacher).  She told him he didn't have a choice in who watched her child and that she only allowed her mother to watch her child.  She stopped letting me pick him up on switch day, then it changed and she allowed me to, and then it changed again.  Everytime they have a disagreement, I get the blame.  As for his emails, he does discuss the emails with me, bu they are all his thoughts.

  • Csstepmom
    February 11, 2013 at 7:41 PM

    Once when I dropped SS off and she asked to speak to me.  She wanted to know why I didn't like her.  I told her that wasn't the case, and I wanted to know why he blamed me for everything.  She told me that my FH is the one blaming me and even told me that she had voice recordings of him doing it.  I asked to here them but she changed the subject.  I told her that if there as any doubt on what I do or say that she can call me even though she doesn't have to.  She has never called me to talk about anything, but still blames me.  Its tough and I thought this was a good way of letting out my frustration.  I would never want to do anything to negatively effect my SS, and arguing with his mom would only hurt him.

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