Stepmom Central
She is well adjusted. It hasn't been hard since BM pretty much washed her hands of SD after she was born. Rights were terminated etc. BUT, every now and then SD thinks about BM and gets mad. "why does she have to be so..UGH" -kind of statements. She has barely seen her throughout the years, hears through the grapevine her BMs last scandalous act. This is because we still let SD visit her maternal grandma. DH has told the grandma to quit talking about BMs problems in front/with SD as it only causes her unnecessary stress, and even said if you keep doing that we don't have to let her come over at all. Anyways, I ranted right there but this is the source she gets her info from.
But when SD hears the latest, comes to me frustrated about why her mom is the way she is, what should my response be? I get tongue tied. So far I've only said "You're mom loves you just like any mom would, but for some people it takes longer to grow up." and " Someday she may get things straight for herself and the two of you can have a relationship, untill then we just focus on ourselves.
Am I doing it wrong?
Replies
-
Your mom has made bad choices.
It takes the negativity away from the mom as a person but allows your sd to understand that her mother has problems without sd internalizing it.
Then you can use that as a way to discuss how to make good choices. -
No. You are doing great!
Just instill in her that her mom loves her like you are. -
Funny you say that, her therapist in the past used to use that same phrase. So using those words makes it more clear that it's BM's mistakes, less to take personal for sd? Forgive me for needing clarification, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed and I have to ask ;)
Quoting Momniscient:
Your mom has made bad choices.
It takes the negativity away from the mom as a person but allows your sd to understand that her mother has problems without sd internalizing it.
Then you can use that as a way to discuss how to make good choices. -
Thanks for the support doll :)
Quoting viv212:
No. You are doing great!
Just instill in her that her mom loves her like you are. -
Right. You can't shelter sd or lie to her about her mother.
All you can do is make it less personal while still giving sd a way to love her mother the person.
Every kid is going to love their mother. It's important to help them not be ashamed of that love.
Quoting destiny83:
Funny you say that, her therapist in the past used to use that same phrase. So using those words makes it more clear that it's BM's mistakes, less to take personal for sd? Forgive me for needing clarification, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed and I have to ask ;)
Quoting Momniscient:
Your mom has made bad choices.
It takes the negativity away from the mom as a person but allows your sd to understand that her mother has problems without sd internalizing it.
Then you can use that as a way to discuss how to make good choices.
-
I would stop making excuses for BM and just validate SDs feelings. Because her mom clearly does not love her the way a mom should. Don't demonize BM, but also don't invalidate SD by basically telling her she should be wrong for being hurt or angry. Sometimes the high road hurts a kid more than helps. It is a fine line.
"it must hurt to hear stories like that."
"I think most people would be angry if they heard that about their mother."
"I can see you are sad and angry. I wish I could take that away."
will she see a therapist? If not, you and DH should to find better tools to offer SD.
-
I have to disagree because clearly and obvious to this child, her BM does not love her like a mom should.
Quoting viv212:
No. You are doing great!
Just instill in her that her mom loves her like you are. -
Thank you. Glad you brought this up as it made me realize that is part of it too. It's not that BM is struggling/falling on hard times it the way she's ALWAYS been. So I also don't want to give mom undue credit. I just want to soften the reality when it comes to my SD. Some people in my SD life (aunts etc) almost make mom appear to be the victim of her choices. High road type of people.
Quoting pdxmum:
I would stop making excuses for BM and just validate SDs feelings. Because her mom clearly does not love her the way a mom should. Don't demonize BM, but also don't invalidate SD by basically telling her she should be wrong for being hurt or angry. Sometimes the high road hurts a kid more than helps. It is a fine line.
"it must hurt to hear stories like that."
"I think most people would be angry if they heard that about their mother."
"I can see you are sad and angry. I wish I could take that away."
will she see a therapist? If not, you and DH should to find better tools to offer SD.
-
And yes I found myself using this approach as well. Staying neutral but not adjusting SDs views on BM. Just listen and let the wrong she sees be valid, as they are.
Quoting pdxmum:
I would stop making excuses for BM and just validate SDs feelings. Because her mom clearly does not love her the way a mom should. Don't demonize BM, but also don't invalidate SD by basically telling her she should be wrong for being hurt or angry. Sometimes the high road hurts a kid more than helps. It is a fine line.
"it must hurt to hear stories like that."
"I think most people would be angry if they heard that about their mother."
"I can see you are sad and angry. I wish I could take that away."
will she see a therapist? If not, you and DH should to find better tools to offer SD.
-
Just don't make excuses. SD may get the idea that being the 'victim' is the way to go since you don't have to take responsibility for your choices/actions.