Stepmom Central

Wishing BM was around and in the picture!
by Mmomma1
February 10, 2013 at 3:24 PM

Hello. The BM of my 2 step kids is deceased, hs been for 3yrs, and before this was basically not in their life for 2yrs before this.

I am so stressed because we have a 2 yr old, and I still feel like an outsider and just wish that the BM was around so we could have some alone time w our son and so I could have time w my husband, it's so hard, and I am letting everything build up and drive me nuts. They are lazy, spoiled, and at times gang up on me, they are obsessed and soooo clingy to dad, and they are 17 and 22. Way too old to be so dependent on him for every move they make .i feel like an outsider because they don't listen to me and he's afraid to discipline them in my opinion,

i guess I'm just asking for advice on how to make myself happy again, and how to quit letting these issues bother me so much, how to let go and quit hoping for it to change or for them to treat me more like a parent. I do so ,much for them and have for 6yrs. No respect still...they only go to dad for things, never to me unless it will benefit them, and they never talk ppoorly to him the way they do to me at times. I keep obsessing and looming so forward to  the day they grow up and move out on their own, and know its prob wrong of me, but I can't help it. 

any advice would be sooooo appreciated....


  • whatIknownow
    February 10, 2013 at 3:47 PM

    My advice - focus on their good points. If you do that, maybe you can improve your relationship with them. Maybe they are clingy to dad because they lost their mother, but kids are only clingy if their parent allows it. Your husband has been allowing it, so this is how he wants to conduct his relationship with his kids. I don't think you will be able to do much about it.

    Maybe you can separate out individual issues and try to resolve them, one at a time. Can you name one particular issue you have with these kids? Are they still in school? Does the 22yo still live at home?

  • Mmomma1
    by Mmomma1
    February 10, 2013 at 4:59 PM

    Hi whatiknownow, thank you so much  for your reply!! 22 yr old is at college, but for some reason drives home every weekend with her terrible dog who poops all over our home!!!  I would say the main issue is how spoiled they are and how disrespectful they are of our home. Material objects are nothing to them because dad will buy them whatever they want. If a coach purse gets ruined, use your debit card and buy a biggie.... :( and I never thought about it until you said it, but you are SO RIGHT, I think he does want them to be he almost feeds off it himself. I want to be able to just be happy and enjoy my son while he is so young and quit obsessing and wishing I could control things w the spoiled kids......does that at all answer you question?

  • whatIknownow
    February 10, 2013 at 5:03 PM

    ok let's start with the dog. You have to start somewhere, that's as good a place as any.

    I think... you are suddenly getting an allergy to dogs... your throat is closing up... your eyes are all red! you know, he's a great dog and all... but I'm thinking... he just isn't going to be able to come over anymore... you know?

  • Mmomma1
    by Mmomma1
    February 10, 2013 at 5:09 PM

    You're funny- :) I wish I had that angle on the dog, however, everyone know I HATE this dog, so it would never work......not to mention, we were in an argument when he decided to take them to buy it 3 yrs ago...knowing I hate dogs.....he definitely regrets that  he did it, but too late, and spoiled kids get what they want( remember?) lol.... Trust me I have thought of every way to get rid of the animal.  

  • cjsmommie98
    February 10, 2013 at 7:48 PM

    I go thru the exact same thing.I am good enought to get up in the middle of the night to go get them or to do things for them but they will do nothing for me.I agree that dad should do something but they wont for whatever reason.So u either deal with it,disengage or leave.My stepdaughters mother passed away 4 years ago and since then i do not exist.

  • shanlee42
    February 11, 2013 at 9:11 PM
    WIKN has so great advice! Can you take your LO out to do things on the weekends? Maybe a jump place or story time with mommy and daddy? Getting the three of you out and away may be good for all of you.
  • blondepegasus
    February 12, 2013 at 12:05 AM
    I adopted a puppy right out of college while living back with my parents until I could save up enough money for my first adult apartment. I really don't know what possessed me. My mom dislikes dogs. Anyway, out of respect for her (better late than never) I kept the dog confined to one tiled room where there was nothing she could chew and ruin and the floors could be easily cleaned until she became properly trained. I moved out only a couple of months after getting her, so it was a temporary situation. I had that dog for 17 years and she was my baby!
    Anyway, since she's not respectful enough to do it willingly, can you insist that when she visits she keep the dog contained in a room without carpeting? Your house, your rules! The least dh can do is support you in that way. I hope sd is cleaning up after her dog. I would absolutely insist on that!
  • heathercm26
    February 12, 2013 at 2:43 AM
    I know u love your husband....but think about the character he has been demonstrating. How would an outsider describe him?

    If i were you i would move to a nice two bedroom house when the 17 yo moves out.

    You may want to ask your husvand some pointed questions about priorities .

    Where he sees himself in 5 years. Where will your relationship be. Etc

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