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catenjar
Choose Now!!.... between me(the child) and her (the step mom).
February 7, 2013 at 7:40 AM

I am at a loss and really worried. My fiance's middle child is starting to make the father choose between him or me. To make matters worse the BM has a personality disorder and I have a hunch that she is guilting the kids to make them choose, especially the middle son who is easily manipulated. I have cried the past two nights the past two nights....I am at a loss on what to do. Any suggestions?

Replies

  • DDDaysh
    by DDDaysh
    February 7, 2013 at 7:49 AM
    You'll have to be more specific. How old are the kids? What exactly is he saying or doing that could force your husband into the situation.

    Is there a way you could change your own behavior so that you guys aren't in conflict?
  • Derdriu
    by Derdriu
    February 7, 2013 at 7:50 AM
    In what situations? Taking sides in conflict? Giving attention?
  • LoveonHollySt
    February 7, 2013 at 7:58 AM

    For a solution to be found, all parties involved have to evaluate their and others behavior objectivly.  My ss tried to do this and I sat him down and told him I wan't going any where and that I had no intention on taking over the mommy role.  Maybe you have an insecure BM and you just have to make things known to all parties.  It helps when the BF stands by you too and supports you.  Sounds like you all have to sit and talk things out fast before things blow up.

  • whatIknownow
    February 7, 2013 at 8:03 AM

    Why doesn't the middle child like you? 

    how much time have you spent with him?

  • AmericanDream
    February 7, 2013 at 8:08 AM

     This.  Because it's hard to give advice with such little information.  Different ages and behavior calls for different action.

    Although, in any situation like this-- the father needs to talk to his children about his love for them and that you are not a replacement for them in either his heart of life.  Also, not sure what your DH's visitation is but have you considered doing your own thing for part of it so that BF can spend time with just his kids?

    How long have you guys been together?  How long have you been engaged? Do you live together?

    Quoting DDDaysh:

    You'll have to be more specific. How old are the kids? What exactly is he saying or doing that could force your husband into the situation.

    Is there a way you could change your own behavior so that you guys aren't in conflict?

     

  • WifeyC
    by WifeyC
    February 7, 2013 at 8:35 AM

    What is going on between you and the child that they would even say that?

  • LetoLiebe
    February 7, 2013 at 12:14 PM

    I don't know the whole story, but I will say that no one "makes" any one "start to choose" in these situations. I would get out of that frame of thinking fast. Also, the possibility of the moms' personality disorder and her guilting the kids in to having these feelings will be lost on the kids, even if it's true, so try not to toss that out there in front of the kids ever. I'm biased on this matter. My father's wife demanded that he choose between her and me, and he chose her and it took me a few years to get that, even though I don't like her at all for a bunch of reasons, and she is a real POS, it was his job to make sure that it did'nt happen and instead I got heat all the time for just not understanding and thinking it was OK. Too much responsibility laid on a kid in that situation. I was a kid and she was a grown woman and she saw me as some sort of threat and gave him the ultimatum before they were married. You, clearly, are not this type of person or you would'nt be asking for advice or caring how the child feels. I am just trying to warn you against knee jerk mental responses to the precieved threat of losing your love to his child and how the child will see it. I wouldn't put too much of the decison making power on to the child, his dad, your fiance is the grown up and there fore will need to be the one to take control of the situation and find out what's going on, and how to help you and the kids come together instead of allowing "people to be forced to choose" whom ever. Please if you love him and the kids never portey that the kids have "forced him to choose" this is, by far, the best way to alienate them, in their minds, from you. In a kids mind, there is no choice,  That's their dad and a woman he loves is some one new in thier lives and important to him, It is very impotant to allow the kids to feel secure and safe in the strength and relationship with their dad, that would be the first thought in my mind. Why doesn't he feel that every thing is OK?  but its best that you be patient, supportive and understanding at this juncture instead of the "the kids are forcing him to choose" stance. Patience, patience and more patience should be applied here, as it is by any parents who love their kids and the kids are being incredibly difficult, and the grown ups have to take the responsibility of tyring to make it work in different ways until there is some thing that works, family counseling or what ever it may be. There should be no "choosing" when children are involved, just working together if possible, and it is. Good Luck, you sound like you will be a caring step mom:)

  • BrittSam2011
    February 7, 2013 at 12:24 PM

    Your fiancé needs to have a talk with the kids about not letting their mom manipulate them. And with the BM, to tell her to stop whatever she doing.

  • rliperote2
    February 7, 2013 at 12:34 PM

    Yeah i agree. I dont like her title pick me or your kid.  To me thats her having a mental problem.  No man should pick a woman over there own child.  IF they did i wouldnt want them.

    Quoting Derdriu:

    In what situations? Taking sides in conflict? Giving attention?


  • liltigersmom
    February 7, 2013 at 12:35 PM
    Its alllll bms fault, because kids can't make their own decisions. Wait..they can if it supports sm.

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