I posted about jealousies before and now I am having one of those moments again and I just hate feeling this way. Bm called me today to ask me to drive by one of the houses she is interested in buying to look at the neighborhood and outside. A little backstory, she lives in another state right now but plans to move very close to us this spring. BM's parents are helping them buy a house somehow otherwise they really wouldn't have been able to afford to move here. Anyway, she told me today the price range she is looking at because she wants my assistance since I already know this area. Her price range is about the same as ours was when we bought a house two years ago and I am very happy with the house we got. The only thing is I began to feel envious of the fact that she is just going to be moving into my area and possibly getting an even nicer house then we have on her parents buck and just changing our dynamics and the routine we have with the kids. I am not sure if it's the house that I care about so much as the seeming invasion of personal space. I know it is not my choice and she has every right to move here, it just feels weird I guess. On top of it, BM and Dh do not have jobs here yet and her DH is planning to go to school and live off of his pension but that will not be enough to contribute to the kids expenses and so that will proabably be left to us while BM just gets to pick and choose her involvement. Trust me, I know as much as anyone I shouldn't be worried about all this ridiculousness but I just cannot seem to stop caring.
On the positive side, we will save money on travel expenses and the kids will be able to see there mom more. I think part of my problem is I feel like if BM moves here I am going to want to disengage a little or at least step back from being so involved in the kids day-to-day lives to give more room for BM to come in. As much as I want to do that for everyone's sake I think it is going to be a tough adjustment for me, and maybe even a little painful. I fear that BM will want me to be involved when it conveineces her and when I am taking a financial burden off of her. Also my SD11 likes to play the "one-upper" game comparing her BM and SF with Dh and I and the things we have/buy/do, she likes to rub in the other parents face and compare which parent is "better" by those standards. I think that will piss me off the most. Dh is completely not thrilled about her moving here, and he is hoping somehow she decides to move a little further away.
I just have to say, I am so impressed and even hopeful by your grace and your acceptance of who BM is. You are very accepting that she has an illness AND you respect that she doesn't have 100% control of it. It's like you know she has something that she cannot change. You know that it's a daily battle for people with this disease and that there are times that they get in to a depressed state and that hating her for it does not change it. I applaud you. I read so often in here the degrading tone that comes with 'she's bipolar' or 'she has multiple personality' as if the person chose their illness and that was the one they picked. Good for you!! I know how you feel about the house and the money and stuff. I've been there. My ex lives in a beautiful home. Yes I am a tad bit jealous. He has 4 bedrooms AND an office AND an extra dining area. My home is 33 years old, three bedroom, dining is in the kitchen and we have a room addition that is used as an office ... But you know what we do have??! 33 year old trees. And they are gorgeous. And they shade our home. And the breeze that comes through them is heavenly early on a quiet Sunday morning. You can't get that in a brand new subdivision .... Our home has character and there is history here. All of our cabinetry is the original wood. Real wood!! Not Flormica or that cheap manufactured stuff (no offense to anyone) and we have a front porch. And a large back yard. I had to really dig deep in to the wonderful aspects of my home to get over my green giant... But sometimes it is still there ... So I get it. I completely get it.
How to explain BM, let's see......she certainly has the potential to be a "bitch" and has been that way toward DH at times but she has actually gotten nicer over the years. She is bipolar and kind of a selfish person, definitely looking out for her own best interest above others. However, on the positive side she actualy really kies me and even respects me for some reason and so she has never been rude or bitchy to me specifically. She has her moments when I can tell she is irritable and during those times I just tread lightly with her. The kids are happy that she is moving her for sure, they look forward to being able to see both parents more regularly. We really don't know what the custody arrangement will be because DH and BM never went through the courts, any arrangement we have has been mutually agreed upon. DH has been custodial for the past 4 years but this year my OSD went to live with BM while the other two stayed here. I have a feeling that it will end up that DH and I are custodial for two of the kids will BM is for one while the other parent has frequent visitation and lots of flexibility. Bm has never paid CS and does not work so we just never expected anything from her and that will likely continue. She is not a bad mom she doesn't have 100% control over her bipolar so when she goes into a depression she becomes recluse and non-functional, the kids do not like being around her during those times.
it is definitely going to change the dynamic of your life, and change your routine. that part is going to suck. is bm a good bm? does she pay child support? is she going to want more visitation with the kids? i hope the kids are happy about her moving closer, but im assuming there is a reason they live with dh and not with bm... it will take a lot of getting used to on your part and dh, and the kids for that matter. but it will happen, you'll adjust and fall back into a routine again... hopefully bm isn't a bitch though. having a bitch living nearby would suck. my ss bm lives an hour away... i'd LOVE for her to move further!