Stepmom Central

baparrot2
addendum to "love them like your own"
January 26, 2013 at 2:18 PM

 Still have many many ladies swearing they lovem like their own. Even getting insulted.

But yet, every single day on this forum we are littered with posts about how many SM's used to love them like their own.....until they entered their teens and now they are using this forum to help teach them how to disengage.

Not to mention all the blabber about how you would NEVER let your taxes go to pay your husbands arrearages for these children you love like your own. Fucked up huh?

Then lets add in the fact that the same women answering the other post will not pitch in a dime towards a college fund for the shitty teens they are going to hate and disengage from someday.

Post after post after post in this forum and others like it, fly's in the face of this "Love them like my own" statement that gets thrown around.

In fact......there isnt alot of any kind of love for these children on this forum. Not the kind a REAL parent would have.

Replies

  • luckystars2012
    January 26, 2013 at 3:36 PM
    As a sm, I would not pay for CS arrears because the bill is not in my name, just like I don't pay for any of Jsother bills. But we also maintain separate finances and don't do.taxes together. Also, j doesn't have and has never had arrears.

    As a sm, I have contributed more towards my SS college fund than in the.past two years (since we found out bm blew the existing one) than many of the ladies here probably make in a year. He is also written into my living will and a beneficiary on my life insurance policy, with J as the trustee and my sister after him.




    Quoting baparrot2:

     Still have many many ladies swearing they lovem like their own. Even getting insulted.


    But yet, every single day on this forum we are littered with posts about how many SM's used to love them like their own.....until they entered their teens and now they are using this forum to help teach them how to disengage.


    Not to mention all the blabber about how you would NEVER let your taxes go to pay your husbands arrearages for these children you love like your own. Fucked up huh?


    Then lets add in the fact that the same women answering the other post will not pitch in a dime towards a college fund for the shitty teens they are going to hate and disengage from someday.


    Post after post after post in this forum and others like it, fly's in the face of this "Love them like my own" statement that gets thrown around.


    In fact......there isnt alot of any kind of love for these children on this forum. Not the kind a REAL parent would have.


  • Amy1973Potts
    January 26, 2013 at 4:07 PM
    How does love equal financial responsibility? Really?
  • baparrot2
    January 26, 2013 at 4:08 PM

     

    Quoting Amy1973Potts:

    How does love equal financial responsibility? Really?

     Loving them like your own does.

  • Amy1973Potts
    January 26, 2013 at 4:17 PM
    Last time I checked, financial responsibility fell to the parents. SP can chip in if they want, but it is in no way a requirement. That is putting a price on love, or rather, buying it. And that is twisted.

    Quoting baparrot2:

     


    Quoting Amy1973Potts:

    How does love equal financial responsibility? Really?

     Loving them like your own does.

  • baparrot2
    January 26, 2013 at 4:20 PM

     But you see, I agree. But it flys in the face of someone who is screaming that they love them like their own now doesnt it Amy?

    Quoting Amy1973Potts:

    Last time I checked, financial responsibility fell to the parents. SP can chip in if they want, but it is in no way a requirement. That is putting a price on love, or rather, buying it. And that is twisted.

    Quoting baparrot2:

     


    Quoting Amy1973Potts:

    How does love equal financial responsibility? Really?

     Loving them like your own does.

     

  • legobaby
    January 26, 2013 at 4:27 PM
    I don't claim to love SD like my own. I love her but have never claimed it is as strong as my love for the children I birthed. We only have her EOWE. It's hard to form a bond as strong as with the kids I snuggle to sleep every night and have on my hip every second.

    That being said, even if I did love her as my own, I wouldn't feel right paying for her college or leaving money from my will to her. My kids have their dad and I to pay those things. SD also has her mom and dad to pay those things. So when I stop being a SAHM, my money will go toward my bio-kids' college funds. At this point, SD is the only one that has one. Since I stay home, DH's money is OUR money, and in that way, our family money is contributing to her college account, but I don't feel the need to add more to hers when I go back to work when she has a mom with a decent job. My kids will have both their dad and I contributing just like SD has her mom and dad contributing.

    That doesn't mean I dislike her. It's just the way to make it so all the kids get taken care of equally.
  • Amy1973Potts
    January 26, 2013 at 4:32 PM
    No. Not really. At least not to me. If their parents want them to go to college, I cant imagine they would expect me to chip in. I can be supportive in other ways. I make less than 12k a year. I have me to think of first, regardless of how I feel about his kids. Cant take care of ME, cant take care of anyone else.

    Quoting baparrot2:

     But you see, I agree. But it flys in the face of someone who is screaming that they love them like their own now doesnt it Amy?


    Quoting Amy1973Potts:

    Last time I checked, financial responsibility fell to the parents. SP can chip in if they want, but it is in no way a requirement. That is putting a price on love, or rather, buying it. And that is twisted.


    Quoting baparrot2:


     



    Quoting Amy1973Potts:

    How does love equal financial responsibility? Really?


     Loving them like your own does.


     

  • JustaSM231
    January 26, 2013 at 4:46 PM
    So what would you have SM do? I am curious. I love my skids like family. I have no kids of my own. I am not trying to be my skids mother. They have one. That being said, do you think a SM must remain aloof from skids but still bend over backwards to financially support them? I am curious exactly what role you would have SM play?
  • hspear
    by hspear
    January 26, 2013 at 4:46 PM

    Just like you won't change my opinion, I know I won't change yours, so this is meant with all due respect.

    What about the BM that has physical custody, that SD tells us is hitting her in the face when she does something wrong, that quit a $30,000/year job to apply for welfare and is now trying to get her $750 child support/month raised (not including all the other money we send her for SD), who has flat-out told DH and me that she is going to "take every penny you fu*king have"? And the one who made SD bawl by telling her (when I called so SD could talk to her mom while with us last summer) that I don't love her as much as I love her little brother because he's my "REAL" child and she's not? The BM that SD tells us she only sees at the airport when we do the exchanges? Or the BM that is, by SD's multiple admissions, the one SD is learning swear words from and being told it's OKAY TO USE THEM AT 5 YEARS OLD? How about the one who married some random guy to get around a contempt of court order for moving out of state with SD, then after the judge said okay left him and moved to the other side of the country with another random guy (this one 30 years older than herself), telling SD that it was "time to replace [stepdad]" (and those are SD's exact words - "Mom said it was time to replace ____"? The same one that, when SD said she was being hit over and over in the face, we took it to court, and she blew it off saying SD doesn't know what she's talking about, but 4 years ago made an allegation against DH of murder and is, right now, having me investigated for child abuse with an allegation she made last week (presumably since neither DH or I are willing to give up on trying to get custody and the hearing is in 2 weeks)? The BM who tried putting the baby up for adoption when she was pregnant, but when DH found out he was going to be a dad and asked to take the baby (they weren't together anymore at this point - she left him and hid the pregnancy from him for 6 months) she told her she'd give the baby to anyone in the world BUT him (this is in court documentation with her confirmation, not hearsay from him) and then proceeded to keep the baby she kept saying she doesn't want?

    Oh, this is the BM that I can't possibly love my stepchild the same as or more?

    Each of my children (yes, I have my "own, real" son and another on the way, so I DO know what I'm talking about when I say I love her as I love my own kids), have only been spanked (which in our house means one tap) once on the bottom, and the incident for both of them that got that punishment was purposely striking another person repeatedly intending to hurt them. I have never smacked my children in the face, beaten them with a mixing spoon (SD told me when we were mixing cake batter that the spoon she was holding was what Mom uses), cursed in front of them, abandoned them with people I don't know or barely know for 5 minutes, let alone weeks on end. I am the one that reiterates to SD that her mom loves her when she tells me Mommy doesn't love her anymore because she was bad, and tells her that her stepdad loved her (when her mother was still married), that Daddy loves her, that I love her, and that her baby brother loves her. I'M the one that gets up in the middle of the night and holds her when she wakes up screaming and crying, afraid that she'll never "find Mommy" again, reassuring her that she'll see Mommy soon and we can call her first thing in the morning (even though her mom has only answered 1 phone call I've made to her out of many). I'm the one teaching her her basic math and spelling for school and how to read. I'm the one working 2 jobs while 5 months pregnant so we can afford to send extra clothes back to BM's house with her since she shows up here in dirty, barely-held-together, 24-36 month sized clothes when she's a solid 5/6. I let her mother's family come spend weekends and weeks at my house so she can see them since BM won't allow her to see them anymore ever since they told her she couldn't leave SD at their house for a FOURTH month in a row, that she needed to step up and start parenting (because it's not awkward or uncomfortable at ALL for me to have my husband's ex's family staying with us). I'm the one who told DH we needed to leave the custody situation alone and let her stay with BM as the court ordered when she was a newborn unless something in her situation changed, and then the second she told me BM was hitting her, told DH we needed to contact a lawyer and the police department to see what needed to be done about this, and that it was time for her to come stay with us. And I will NEVER try to keep her from seeing her mom during her mother's visitation time or any other unscheduled time that BM wants to visit - as long as it doesn't interfere with SD's schooling.

    I grew up in a split and mixed family. Obviously my parents didn't get along, but my stepparents include me as their child and my many stepsiblings include me as their sister. You can't tell me or any of them what we are capable of feeling, not because of any intelligence factor, but simply because you do not know us and you are not us.

    Personally, I do believe I love my SD just as much as I love my DS, which I also believe happens to be more than her BM loves her. I tried so hard to have a good relationship with BM because I know from experience how important it can be to the child in the situation. She refused every attempt, and has shown me time and time again that SD is a paycheck to her (she texts or emails to offer extra visitation days, but then tells us we have to send X amount of dollars for her to let us have SD those days). This is not bitterness, but simply 4 years of experience with this woman. I hope and pray that if, Heaven forbid, DH and I ever divorce and he remarries, that that woman will be as good to my children as I am and care as much about them as I do.

  • baparrot2
    January 26, 2013 at 4:48 PM

     

    Quoting JustaSM231:

    So what would you have SM do? I am curious. I love my skids like family. I have no kids of my own. I am not trying to be my skids mother. They have one. That being said, do you think a SM must remain aloof from skids but still bend over backwards to financially support them? I am curious exactly what role you would have SM play?

     Read the damn post again. This is for women who are shouting how much they love the steps LIKE THEIR OWN.

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