Stepmom Central

Struggling & don't know how to tell DH how I feel...
by smomx3
December 8, 2012 at 4:06 AM

Ok, I will try my hardest to make this short & to the point.  Been married for 3 yrs to my DH & I have 3 stepkids & we have 2 together. Awhile back DH was talking to BM of sks & she was asking if we were keeping the kids through Sunday of that certain weekend. Well my DH said that he planned on bringing them home Sat night because he had to go back to work & started a new shift Sunday (his shifts are 48 hrs). She then went on talking about things she needed to do or how she needed him to keep them, so my DH said that he could see if I would b ok with bringing them home later Sun. She then made some comment like "It's not about me needing a break, or a babysitter for my kids... it's about them spending time with their Dad". Ever since I have known about that comment I think I have held a grudge & I have pretty much stuck with the attitude of "If we are getting the kids, Dh needs to be around & I don't want to have to keep them when he's working or doing whatever!" Do you think this is wrong of me??? I feel bad but it has come up several times since, & in fact it did again tonight... my DH said that we'd b getting the kids sometime Christmas morning & then maybe they can just stay through new years eve afternoon, & he'd take them home that day. But he also works the 26th & 27th! I find myself getting super irritated because I feel like I'm doing BM some sort of favor, & why wouldn't she want her kids back anyway if Dad is working? I think she should be responsible for them & I would really enjoy some alone time with my boys, I know it sounds awful. My Dh also really would like me to quit my job & stay home with our boys, who are 2 & almost 8 mo. I feel terrible about this too but I feel like if I do that more times like this will happen, as he will work more with a business he wants to start, & expect me to keep the sks. We have gotten into a fight about it before & he has said, "well if you're gonna be gone or have plans & the kids want to stay then I don't have a problem with them staying at our house alone" (they are 15, 12, &9). He said he knows that I've told him in indirect ways that I prefer he be around when we have the kids, & he says "oh trust me, I know that you don't want much to do with them if he's working. How do I get my feelings to be understood without upsetting him? He has also said before that " I married his 3 kids too, & it's expected that I do such things such as keep the kids at times.  Just need some advice!!! Thanks :)


  • Emyles
    by Emyles
    December 8, 2012 at 7:11 AM
    I understand you are frustrated about the skids. To me it seems your feelings started after you found out what bm said to dh; and if that's the case, its a gruage you hold against her and are taking it out on skids. I know it will be hard but you did accept the skids when you married dh and you would expect him or whoever he is with to watch/keep your boys if you asked. You have to remember its hard on dh too because he doesn't have the same amount of time with skids than he does your kids and he wants that time because they are his kids.
    Try to understand his point of view and try not to think about what bm said or anything about bm. If you got along with skids before and watched them before you can do it again. Don't think of it as a favor for bm, think of it as being supportive to dh and giving your boys time with their older siblings. Its okay to be upset about bm but you just don't need to drell on it. Its hard I know, I have 3 skids and 2 of my own as well. Skids have always lived with us and lately bm have been working my nerves. It will get better and you have a upper hand because you can spend time with your bios all the time your skids are with their mom. So spend that time wisely! I'm in a different situtation and feel different about my skids because we raise them and bm have visits; but a bm is a bm and bottom line, they can be/act/say some crazy stupid things to get to us.
  • whatIknownow
    December 8, 2012 at 8:17 AM

    No, I don't think that is wrong of you at all. The only thing that might be 'wrong" is that you are taking this stand because of a grudge over something Mom said a long time ago. I don't think you should base this (or any) decision on a grudge.

    But the decision itself, to not watch your husband's kids for him, is perfectly fine and well within your rights as a SM.

    Quoting smomx3:

    She then made some comment like "It's not about me needing a break, or a babysitter for my kids... it's about them spending time with their Dad". Ever since I have known about that comment I think I have held a grudge & I have pretty much stuck with the attitude of "If we are getting the kids, Dh needs to be around & I don't want to have to keep them when he's working or doing whatever!" Do you think this is wrong of me??? 

  • stargazer383
    December 8, 2012 at 8:20 AM

    I hear what you are saying! I have had my DH make similar comments to the extent that he thinks I don't like his kids. That's not true at all! I think as stepmoms we are almost doomed to get that "evil stepmom" persona. It's ok if the BM or the dad says they need a break but heaven forbid if the stepmom needs a break! I have been in a similar position as you--sometimes feeling like the kids come visit and DH is working or off doing something else and then all the work (cooking, cleaning, entertaining the kids, etc) falls on me. It sounds to me like this is more of an issue you need to work on with DH than BM. I don't necessarily agree that if your DH isn't there then the kids shouldn't come. I do think if he is scheduled to work and have long shifts, then it probbly isn't the best time for the kids to come. I mean the point of it is for them to see their dad, right? Maybe you and DH could compromise. Tell him you don't mind them being there without him sometimes but if he is going to be working long shifts then it doesn't make much sense for them to be there then. And also, you could try to plan some fun activities to do as a family with the stepkids too when they are there. That shows your DH that you do care about them and see them as part of your family. I get what you are saying, it sounds like you do accept and care about your stepkids but you don't want to be taken advantage of and you want some time with your own kids too. Having 5 kids all at once to take care of is a lot, especially if DH is at work or not home!

  • pristine729
    December 8, 2012 at 8:23 AM
    Idk... My fiancée watches my son a lot for me, so of course I help him with his children as much as I can. We are each others partners and always try to make each others lives easier, not harder.
    So, try to make his situation less stressful.
  • Tigress22304
    December 8, 2012 at 8:47 AM

    You're well within your rights to say no. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to watch his children everytime he walks out the door.

  • chanizen
    December 8, 2012 at 8:54 AM
    Well, what he is saying is if you aren't there, they can watch each other. So plan a day trip. Get out. Visit a friend. Get a hotel. Have a spa treatment.

    I think you don't really have it clear in your head what you want here. So you have t find that first. Are you saying you don't want to babysit? So don't. Are you saying you want them to go to bm's while he is working. Sounds like you proposed that and he said "fine, they can watch themselves".

    Want him to take the days off? Why?

    In short, you can't kick these kids out. They are his. He lives there. The home is theirs as well. However, it doesn't make you the default babysitter or the maid. So don' be.
  • november117
    December 8, 2012 at 9:24 AM
    You are not alone. I am dealing with a similar issue. I told dh two weekends ago no more extra days here for ss because bm is irresponsible as she screwed us over amd didn't hold up her end of the deal this last time (dropping off and picking up instead of just picking up...she lives over an hour away). And what happens this week? Bm needs dh to pick up ss a day early because she fed him foods he was allergic to and now he has diarrhea and can't stay at daycare. The doctor said specifically not to do what she did and she did it anyway. So dh calls me and says he is leaving work and we are going to go get ss. No "is it ok gor you two have him the extra day?" no nothing. Bm couldn't take off work because if she misses one more day she gets fired (she called off a lot for her relationship issues). Not my problem imo. So, here I am 39 weeks pregnant having ss an extra day because bm does stupid stuff. I had a bad day yesterday and told dh no more extra days unless he is taking off of work. I am not covering for her poor life choices or irresponsibility anymore and I won't have dh volunteering me everytime. I feel that he should ask me first. Especially once baby is born. It will take a while for us to get a routine and I want to have that down pat before I start taking extra days again. Especially since she is so inconsiderate. Sorry I don't have any useful advice. Just wanted you to know you aren't alone.
  • TJandKarasMom
    December 8, 2012 at 9:25 AM

    I think you do deserve some alone time with your boys, but DH is right, you did marry his 3 boys too  (does this man only make boys?! lol).  If you choose to stay home, think about how much alone time you will get with your boys, and even if the sks come over, they must be in school so you would still be home with just the two boys all day.

    My DSs SM doesn't have a lot to do with DS, when ex is working, he sends DS home and doesn't ask SM to keep him.  I am home so I don't mind having my DS home, but it hurts me (and DS) that SM won't keep him.  I don't expect her to or want her to every time, but there are times that I wish she would accept him as part of their family (they have 3 kids together, and then just DS as a SK eowe). 

    How often do you get the SKs now?

  • Refurbished
    December 8, 2012 at 10:20 AM

    I can understand why you are frustrated.  You can't let BM or DH define your place in your own home.   It's perfectly okay to define your own role in this and set limits on what you will and will not do.

  • chasinrainbows
    December 8, 2012 at 10:32 AM
    I'm in the same situation as you. Bm texted me some crap one day that had nothing to do with me. She was arguing with fiance. I've held a grudge and don't go out of my way at all to do anything that would benefit her. I was the ones saving her afterschool money by picking them up in the carpool line on faince's days. I don't anymore. Ya know, I wouldn't want to "interfere" or anything. It's been several weeks now. I'm sure BM has figured out why her "help" went away.

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