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bcbmami
Need advice with disengaging.
by bcbmami
December 5, 2012 at 6:29 PM
You know, if I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't be in this situation. I need advise/tips on how to get dh "engaged" with his kids so I can back off. I have 3 ss's who are 13, 12 and 11. Dh and I have been together 6 years, married 5. When we got together, I was all gung-ho about being a stepmom because bm wasn't doing her job. Now, I see my mistake. Dh expects me to do everything for his kids. He doesn't do a thing at all. For instance, I take yss to his med appts bc dh "doesn't know the way". I went to their parent teacher conferences because dh didn't feel like it. I am seriously thinking he married me (partially) to be his babysitter. :/
He used to be so involved with his kids. Now that he has me to do everything, he doesn't do a thing. And I'm starting to resent it. Like I said, I wish I had known this then so that this didn't happen.
So, what I'm asking is, how do I disengage without dh using the favoritism card?

Replies

  • angirose
    December 5, 2012 at 7:31 PM

    In my exsperience dealing with my ex. As long as you continue to all you have it will never change. My ex always told me he would step in and help, it wasnt until we had a son together that i realized he would never change. I felt i waisted 15 yrs on him. But i learned a very good lesson along the way. This has been responsible for me to change almost everything about me and how i deal with people. Im not saying that would be your solution as I had many more issues with my ex to lead to the break up. This was just one of the issues I had....

    good luck :0)

  • opal10161973
    December 5, 2012 at 7:47 PM

    Tell him you won't do it anymore.  They are his kids and his responsibility alone.  Not knowing the way is THE most bogus excuse ever since GPS was invented and since it's on most cell phones now, he can easily find it himself OR heck- go old school and call the office for directions. 

    eye rolling

    I would have never gone to the parent teacher meeting to begin with, but you can just tell him no next time.  Every time the kids need something that is his legal responsibility to do, tell him it's up to him to make sure it gets done.  I mean helping once in a while is fine, but not every. single. thing. 

  • bcbmami
    by bcbmami
    December 5, 2012 at 9:10 PM
    Honestly, there is more than just this. I just didn't feel like posting it because I'm mobile and it would be really long! Thank you!

    Quoting angirose:

    In my exsperience dealing with my ex. As long as you continue to all you have it will never change. My ex always told me he would step in and help, it wasnt until we had a son together that i realized he would never change. I felt i waisted 15 yrs on him. But i learned a very good lesson along the way. This has been responsible for me to change almost everything about me and how i deal with people. Im not saying that would be your solution as I had many more issues with my ex to lead to the break up. This was just one of the issues I had....


    good luck :0)

  • bcbmami
    by bcbmami
    December 5, 2012 at 9:13 PM
    Ikr? Its not at all hard to find. He just doesn't want to take him!
    On the conferences, the only reason I went was because I had to go for our son's as well. Otherwise, I wouldn't have.


    Quoting opal10161973:

    Tell him you won't do it anymore.  They are his kids and his responsibility alone.  Not knowing the way is THE most bogus excuse ever since GPS was invented and since it's on most cell phones now, he can easily find it himself OR heck- go old school and call the office for directions. 

    eye rolling

    I would have never gone to the parent teacher meeting to begin with, but you can just tell him no next time.  Every time the kids need something that is his legal responsibility to do, tell him it's up to him to make sure it gets done.  I mean helping once in a while is fine, but not every. single. thing. 

  • E_is_4_Ethan
    December 5, 2012 at 10:02 PM

     I was there.

    get a dry erase board with a monthly calender, put everything on there.... appointments, address, and phone numbers. Color code it for each child.

    Then tell him everything you just told us. Tell him he needs to step up. You are his wife not his nanny.

    It's hard...very hard, but you can do it.

  • Ksterling02
    December 5, 2012 at 11:41 PM
    Done it and having "issues " because of it, but I'm still not in charge of SD. I'm going to work on building a friendship with SD, not forcing anything. It's difficult to do the kids will feel the distance and either change or make things worse. SD told DH she feels I am mean..this is ongoing thing as she's been in a home that didn't really have expectations. Disengage and kids and DH will appreciate what u did hopefully. Work in progress for me :-/
  • Lunatic6997
    December 6, 2012 at 12:08 PM

    Sorry you're going thru this!

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